THE BACHELOR RECAP #8 - I Juanna Be A Cowboy, and RECAP #9 - Do You Really Juant To Hurt Me?

Alright you guys, did you take your vitamins like I suggested?

Are you all carbed up?

Are you physically and mentally ready to tackle this mega-recap? 

THE HOLY MOTHER OF ALL BACHELOR RECAPS??

Grab a snack, put on your comfy pants, give your kids your iPad and a box of Thin Mints, and let's get this party started.

*RECAPPER'S NOTE*
The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.
Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I'm too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences, which would make it even longer.
And once again, you are welcome. 

Before we can get to the Fantasy Suite of truth and pain, though, we have to weed through the hometowns and say goodbye to one of our fair maidens. I'd say I would try to make this as quick and painless as possible, but by now you all know that's a lie.

Who: Nurse Nikki
Where: Kansas City, MO

What they did: The two start with lunch at Oklahoma Joe's BBQ. Nikki wants to see "how cowboy Juan Pablo really is" by giving him a quarter slab of ribs and some fries. Verdict is good. He passes the BBQ test. But can he handle the mechanical bull? ¡Si! He can! Nurse Nikki thinks he "looks hot" gobbling up BBQ and riding a bull at 2 mph and she tells us she loves him but will tell him "maybe later." She "just can't do it now" and "doesn't know why" because "she really wants to."

Wait, what's that? In the distance?

Not seeing it waving right in front of her face, she shares some beer with her Venezuelan/Kansas City cowboy and they channel their inner John Mayer/Katy Perry by riding tandem on the bull.

For your enjoyment, an excerpt straight from Juan Pablo's blog about this date:

It was my first time on a mechanical bull, and I don't think I did that badly. I have to tell you guys a secret – I was such a rookie on the bull that when it moved, it kind of squeezed my nuts. 

Family Interrogation:  Nikki's dad welcomes Juan Pablo to the table, which we learn in their house is the same as welcoming him to the family. 

Well that was easy.

Nikki tells her mom she's in love with him and that if he asked her to marry him she'd say yes.

Mom looks skeptical and gives her the stink eye….for about 1.2 seconds.

Then she's all yaaaay! and hugs! and you love him! and they leave to go pick out centerpieces and a trousseau of florally silk robes and bandage dresses.  

Dad tells JP that "if your heart isn't there I'd prefer you not propose."

Way to lay down the gauntlet, Dad. 

He then further demonstrates his full on knowledge of this game but full on lack of respect for his daughter by telling Juan Pablo that "….if you pick her, I'll give you my blessing." 

Dad. Of. The. Year.   

When Juan Pablo leaves, Nikki just can't bring herself to tell him she loves him, no matter how much she's told us she does and wants to. She says it "didn't seem right" and she "doesn't know why."

Hey, Nikki, look right here. Right here. See? Aren't they pretty? 

_____________________________________________________________

Who: Andi
Where: Atlanta

What they did:  Since he made her do all sorts of horrible, heinous and embarrassing things like play soccer and sing karaoke and (heaven forbid) dance, Andi's getting payback by making Juan Pablo do something he's uncomfortable doing.
Keep his tongue in his mouth and his d*ck in his swimsuit?
Good guesses, but nope, they're going to the shooting range.
We find out rather quickly that this isn't in Juan Pablo's wheelhouse. Seriously, dude doesn't know how to hold a gun, much less shoot one.
I really wish Nikki could see her "cowboy" now.
After Juan Pablo shoots and completely misses his target like eleventy-three times and Andi basically empties like 12 clips of bullets into the center of her bullseye (working with all those gangstas has it's perks), it's time for dinner. 

Family Interrogation:  They arrive to a posterboard sign that says "Welcome Home Pookie" on the front door of Andi's parents' house.

This one's for you, dude. 

Andi's dad disapproves of Juan Pablo from the start, and after listening to Andi tell him how she was always on group dates and basically has only had one alone date with Juan Pablo since they've met, it's clear he's not changing his mind.

Dad tells JP that he's concerned. That if he breaks her heart he needs to run and hide. 

And because dad probably taught Andi how to shoot, I'm thinking Juan Pablo better damn well listen. They talk about being fathers and JP wonders if he and Camila will be accepted into this family if he proposes to Andi.

Dad: Yeah..um..no. 

Then he says something that is probably the wisest thing I've ever heard a parent say in the 12 years I've watched this show: "The person that is good enough for my daughter is going to come to me and say 'there is no one else in the world for me.'"

When Nikki's dad watched that I hope he felt like shit.

Andi's mom seems to like him (or just likes dancing with him), but her sister "isn't feeling it" which makes Andi cry. She just wants someone to tell her "they totally see it."

It's not going to be her daddy, who tells her he doesn't want her to get hurt and reminds her that HER BOYFRIEND IS DATING THREE OTHER PEOPLE. 

But no matter! Family who she's known for like 28 years whose opinions she values are overruled! Andi tells us she's "very, very close to being in love with him" -- the guy she's known for six weeks and been on (basically) one date with. 

Geezus. And she's supposed to be the smart one in the bunch. 

For your enjoyment, an excerpt from Juan Pablo's blog about this date:

Going into Andi's house, I wasn't feeling nervous at all, but Andi was so scared that she was pooping her pants.

__________________________________________________________

Who: Renee

Where: Sarasota, FL

What they did:  Renee hasn't seen her son Ben in eight weeks. Eight weeks. The longest she's ever been away from him is 2-3 days. But eight weeks seems like a fair amount of time to leave the boy to find a new daddy who he's never met and who is also dating three (or 27) other girls.

I used to like Renee, now I just think she's stupid. 

She greets Juan Pablo on the beach and he does a dumb Charlie Brown dance when he sees her. 

Go back and watch it. It's dead on.

They go to Ben's little league game, and Renee gets to have her reunion with him — after eight weeks — in front of Juan Pablo, a cameraman and two million viewers. Touching. And not awkward for the little guy at all. 

I used to like Renee, now I just think she's stupid. 

Family Interrogation:  The happy family goes to Renee's parents' house. Her mother mentions the bracelets that Ben has been making and Renee has a terrible look on her face because she's realizing that she's missed a few things, like bracelet making and new teeth and EIGHT WEEKS of being a parent.   

Renee goes up and puts Ben to bed. And two million people join her. 

Ben: "I'm happy you're tucking me in after eight weeks, mama, but who is that strange man with a giant camera standing by my bed?"

Nah, he didn't say that, but come on, Renee. Put your foot down and set some boundaries, sister. 

I used to like Renee, now I just think she's stupid.

Mom and Renee have some wine and talk love and happiness. 

Mom gives some sage advice: "Make sure you're IN love, because you know, we can love our pets…"

But Renee is "totally, madly, crazy" in love with him!

Oh, yeah, That's right. I remember now. 

Her dad can "see her glow" which he hasn't seen in a long time.

Renee tells us she's going to tell Juan Pablo that she loves him! She can see him as her husband and Ben's stepdad and wants it more than anything!

But she doesn't. 

She can't.

She tells us that she "wanted to" but "it didn't flow" and she just "couldn't do it" for some reason.

Oh, for crying out loud. This is just getting old. 

_________________________________________________________

Who: Clare

Where: Sacramento, CA

What they did: Clare meets Juan Pablo at the rose garden that she used to go to with her dear daddy when she was a little girl. They walk to a duck pond and and she tells him stories about her father and the things he said to her on his deathbed that bring Juan Pablo (and my crew) to tears. Honestly, it's heartbreaking.

But Clare is happy with Juan Pablo. You can tell. She absolutely glows when she's with him. 

I hear a good 4 a.m. "swim" can do that to a girl. 

Family Interrogation:  Juan Pablo goes to the family home to meet Clare's mom and four of her five sisters who appear to cover the entire gamut of attractiveness. And although the youngest, Clare seems to be at the top of the spectrum.

Oh, stop it. You know you were thinking it, too.

They fill the group in on some of the things they've done together. We hear one of the sisters say, "So you went swimming with buffalo, swimming in his pool and swimming in the ocean all in the same day?"

Well, sure, if you want to call it "swimming"…

Clare starts talking to her sisters. First talks to the one "whose opinion I value."

Because the other five are idiots. 

She tells this highly regarded sister that she'd "say yes in a heartbeat" if he proposes. 

Two of the sisters grill Juan Pablo. Ask if he's ready to propose. He says some things that they don't listen to because they're imagining the feel of his stubble against their chins and wondering what a man with visible abdominal muscles looks like in person without his shirt on. 

Clare wants to talk to her mama.

Her big sister Laura tags along.

Clare is annoyed and basically tells Laura to butt out, but Laura stands firm. Literally. With her arms crossed. Talks for mama. Tells Clare that JP doesn't have her blessing. 

Mama sits there, mute.

Clare begs them to please just trust her because she's following her heart.

Mama sits there, mute.

I'm beginning to think there's something wrong with mama. But really.

Clare is pissed and all, "WTF are you doing, LAURA?" and Laura's all, "I won't let you manipulate mama" and mama just sits there, mute.   

Juan Pablo wants to talk to mama, and once again Laura tags along, which makes Clare crazy.
Laura is being such a Nate.

{Des watchers will totally get this. If you didn't watch Des's season, don't worry, congratulate yourself, and continue…}

After finally ditching Laura, Juan Pablo and mama have a nice little conversation in Spanish (finally someone breaks the ice on this whole 'part Mexican' thing), and I realize the only thing wrong with mama is that she lets her daughter bully her. 

Wait. Hold on. I fear I've spoken too soon.

Mama tells Juan Pablo, "We'd be very happy to have you but it's up to you!" and then there's this, from Juan Pablo's blog about this date:

...especially her mom, whom I had a great time speaking Spanish with. At the end of our talk, she even told me I was welcome in her house whether or not I choose Clare at the end of my adventure. 

Nevermind.

There's definitely something wrong with mama. 

_____________________________________________________

What: Rose Ceremony

Where: Miami, FL

Harrison, wearing an unfortunate combination of a lilac checkered button down with maroon tie, walks the girls up to a patio in 45 mph winds. Clare and Nikki, as expected, are wearing short bandage dresses so tight they push their boobs up to their chins, and Andi and Renee are both rocking one shouldered cocktail dresses, Andi's even going with the longer skirt option, which along with the one piece swimsuit probably violates like 18 rules in the Bachelor contestant handbook. 

Roses to:

Clare

Nikki

Andi

Renee, taking her rejection from the man she is so "madly, crazy in love with", handles it with grace. Juan Pablo cries and in hindsight tells us this (from his blog): 

Letting Renee go was very difficult. I almost sent Andi home, but I went with the stronger connection instead of who I thought had more feelings for me.

This will all make more sense after you take a potty break, refill your glass, and get ready for Part II of this soap-opera. The one where Harrison tells us "What happens in the Fantasy Suite doesn't stay in the Fantasy Suite."
Ew. I really hope he's lying.

~~ There will be a 10 minute intermission ~~ 

As episode nine begins, three things strike me immediately:

1. I haven't spent enough time in St. Lucia. The fact that I haven't spent any time in St. Lucia is neither here nor there.

2. The Bachelors and their ladies, on the other hand, have spent plenty of time in St. Lucia at the gorgeous Jade Palace through the years. Who remembers these lovebirds?

Jake and Vienna. He also had Gia and Tenley there.
And by 'had' I mean...

3. I hope they burn the sheets there after they're used. 

Clare is lucky.

She drew the long straw and gets the first date. 

I always feel so sorry for the second and (especially) the third girl on these Fantasy Suite dates who get the sloppy seconds…and worse, thirds. I secretly hope the first one leaves a little something behind. 

But today Juan Pablo is clean and residue free and the two hop in a wooden dinghy that takes them to a yacht. Clare immediately tells us that she's not so sure about the 'overnight' part of this date.

Clare: "Back in Vietnam Juan Pablo and I went 'swimming in the ocean' and that made him uncomfortable even though he sure as hell enjoyed his 'swim' and then the next day made me feel like shit about it and that I was a disappointment to his daughter which made me cry but he told me he didn't want to make me cry but in a way that made me feel like I had to apologize."

Okay, she might have only said the very first part of that but all the other stuff is what I heard. 

So they jump off the yacht and swim (<< for real) in the ocean and talk about her family: how cute her mama is and how big of a bully Laura is. 

As evening approaches, Clare is still telling us that as wonderful as the Fantasy Suite sounds, she's just not sure it's for her.

She's such a liar. 

Dinner/Date card/Key:

At dinner, Clare wants to talk about Camila but I'm not really listening because she keeps distracting me with a stupid duck face.

Out comes the date card with the standard greeting and the key to the Fantasy Suite.

Juan Pablo asks her what she thinks.

Clare (deep breath): "Ummmm….when we were in Vietnam and went 'swimming' and then had our discussion….I hadn't taken into consideration how you'd feel about Camila…and it matters to me now how it matters to you."

Juan Pablo: "Oh! Thaaaat! Yeeaaahh, I WAS TOTALLY KIDDING! It's all good, baby!"

What he really says is that the girls that are now left are important to him and are the ones that he wants to spend the night with.

So, yeah, pretty much what I originally said. 

Clare: "Okay, then. Let's go! But if you make me feel like shit tomorrow your ass is grass, mister."

JP (toasting): "Cheers to spending the night together. And when we wake up we'll definitely know a lot more about each other."
Word.

Once in the Suite of Fantasy, Clare hems and haws and finally, after about 21 duck faces tells him that she's "loving falling in love" with him.
Kisses.
Jacuzzi.
Assume the position.
Fade to black.

The next day…
Juan Pablo (in voiceover): "My sleepover with Clare was great, but now today is my overnight date with Andi!"
Honest. To. God. It's like he's a kid in a candy store.
But actually.
Juan Pablo is waiting for Andi in a stupid orange tank top with green trim which showcase his stupid, sculpted biceps.
They spend the day in a local village playing the steel drums and creeping on local children.
They end up taking a "land buggy" to a remote jungle waterfall, where they have a picnic and talk about Andi's family. He tells her that while they were tough on him, he appreciated and understood it.
Andi once again gets to show off her brown one-piece-that-is-totally-not-a-one-piece and they sit under a waterfall and kiss while the water pounds on their heads. AGAIN.

Dinner/Date Card/Key:
Dinner is set up on a coffee table in front of a couch on a pier. Andi chooses to wear a belted swimsuit cover up with heels.
Juan Pablo tells her that he's concerned because in her hometown she'd told him she "really badly wanted to fall in love" and he doesn't think she should have to force anything.
She tells him that wanting something isn't the same thing as forcing something.
Language Barrier -- 48  Juan Pablo -- 0
He tells her he's laid back and "pretty easy."
There are like 193 fish and a small crustacean in the warm Vietnamese ocean who agree.
Out comes the date card.
Out comes Andi's scripted speech about how she'd "like to get to know him better" and "if you think this is a good idea" and for Harrison's sake, a YES or NO answer is all the dude holding THE ROOM KEY to the GIANT BED is going to hear anyway so just cut through the crap already.
They go into a gorgeous (but thankfully different from the night before) suite and we hear Juan Pablo say that "Andi is great wife material and could be the one."

Spoiler alert -- She's not.

The next morning…
Juan Pablo's voice: "Waking up this morning I'm so happy about Andi. We had a great night together. We talked for hours and hours and HOURS. Our chemistry is great. She could be the one!"

Andi's voice: "Waking up this morning I could not WAIT to get out of the Fantasy Suite. I thought I was falling in love but the Fantasy Suite was a nightmare. I hope he does not think that went well. The whole night was a disaster."

ABC editors, I love you.

In the next few minutes we hear Andi talk more than we've heard her talk all season, and boy she ain't holding anything back. She tells us many, many things (we already knew) about Juan Pablo, including:
• He made everything all about him
• He name drops
• He talked about his Fantasy Suite date with Clare the night before
• He has no filter
• He thinks he can say whatever he wants to say and that everyone will fall in love with him
• He never once asked her about herself
• He only cares about himself

Andi: "It's extremely important for me to be with a guy who loves me more than he loves himself."
I'm pretty sure Andi is the first girl on this show to show actual, honest to goodness self-respect.
Bravo, Andi.
But if you agree to become the next Bachelorette I will realize you were full of shit.

Nikki drew the unfortunate short straw and gets the third date.
Juan Pablo is waiting for her but Pocahontas walks up instead.
You think I'm kidding?

I'm not.
She's wearing a fringed bikini top cut so low that it makes my husband question if she has nipples or Barbie boobs, and loose palazzo pants.
With an outfit like that, it's like she knew they were going horseback riding.
Nikki knows she's in love with JP but tells us for the bazillionth time that she can't tell him.
I'm bored.

Dinner/Date Card/Key:
We hear Juan Pablo tell us in a semi-creeper voice that "the day went great but I can't wait for tonight…I can't wait for tonight. Ay yi yi."
Ew.
He's such a gigilo it's gross.
At dinner they talk about feelings probably but I'm kind of done with this part of the show. I'm just waiting to get to the good Andi stuff so let's just get this over with quickly.
They go to the Fantasy Suite and Nikki finally tells him she loves him but says it like I say it when I'm staring at a pan of brownies.

Moving on…

The next day Juan Pablo meets up with Harrison, who for the past week has been drinking rum and entertaining St. Lucian women in his own Fantasy Suite, and he tells him that he "likes" all three women.
There's some discussion among the two about the definition of the word "like" and then Harrison leaves JP with a large flat-screen and video messages from his ladies.
As expected, Clare and Nikki profess their love and are "excited about the future" and then Andi comes on screen and tells him that she has some things she needs to tell him in person.
Fade to black.
Juan Pablo, obviously having been clued in to this turn of events, calmly turns and walks away.
This news isn't shocking or concerning to him?
There is so much over-producing going on I'm getting seasick.
Andi is coming up the road in a silky long sleeved button down and some lace shorts that might actually have been made from my grandmother's heirloom placemats. It's an odd look.

They have a seat, and a talk.
Let's play my favorite Bachelor game "Three Words" to get through at least the first part of it.
(As creator of the game I reserve the right to use JP as one word, and OK as two.)

Andi's feelings changed.
JP is clueless.
JP likes Andi.
"How is Andi?"
Andi's "been better."
Not feeling it.
Not in love.
Not gonna work.
It's OK!
Not OK!
Yes OK!
Stop saying that.
You bother me.
Andi getting mad.
Language barrier problems.
Sick of it.
He's being cocky.
Makes Andi madder.
Have some emotion!
This is life.
You said 'default.'
Did not say.
You said 'default!'
Did not say!

Then comes my favorite part. Andi tells JP that he has no clue about who she is: her religious beliefs, political beliefs, how she feels about social issues.
She asks him if he has any idea about that.
JP: "I have no idea about that."
Turns the tables on her.
JP, looking smug: "What's my religion?"
Andi, without missing a beat: "Catholic."
JP's face:

#AndiForTheWin

She's on a roll.
She tells him that he should never, ever say "it's okay" again. Tells him "it's bad…it's annoying!" then proceeds to give him a lesson on interpersonal communications and tells him to listen and to repeat feelings.
She's so annoyed.
He reaches up to fix one of her eyebrows for some reason and she swats his hand away: "Don't mess up my makeup."
Andi just became my all time favorite Bachelor contestant in the history of the world.

Juan Pablo walks Andi to a 1990's conversion van (thank you, husband, for that description) and she's off.
He tells us that he's disappointed, not because she chose to leave and didn't like him, but because of the arguments, and "I'm not going to argue with a lawyer."
Might be the smartest thing he's said all season.

In the van, Andi tells us a lot more of the same -- that she's 100% sure Juan Pablo's not the right one for her and that he just doesn't get it. She looks like she's holding it together fine until the van psychologist finally breaks her and makes her doubt her future and tearfully admit that she doesn't know if she'll ever find true love.
Bingo.

Rose Ceremony
It's just Clare and Nikki standing there, who hate each other so much the can't even glance over to see what color bandage dress the other one is wearing.
Harrison comes out and tells them that Andi is no longer there and that Juan Pablo will fill them in.
They look dazed and confused.
Not unusual.
Juan Pablo is surprisingly honest in telling them that Andi didn't have feelings for him and chose to go home. And it hurt. But it's okay!
He tells them "there's two roses for the two of you" and that if they don't feel like he's the man for them, he'll understand.
It's (say it with me now) "OKAY."

Roses to:
Aw, nevermind. This part has lost all suspense now.

Next week it's the Women Tell All! and it looks like our Bachelor is going to be sweating in that hot seat.
I don't recap the "Tell All" episodes, so we'll all get a much needed break next week and can gear up for the "SHOCKING CONCLUSION THAT NO ONE WILL SEE COMING" in two weeks.

Let me know in the comments if you actually read this entire recap.
I will thank you, applaud you and be concerned for the welfare of your children &/or the job you were supposed to be doing instead.

Leaderboard (the last one):
I so don't care, but am going with Clare (and that fun little rhyme might just go on a tee shirt)

Catch up on the past recaps right here!
#1 - I Juant You to Juant Me
#2 - Walkin' in a Winter Juanderland
#3 - I Juant to Kiss You All Over
#4 - Oh, I Juanna Dance With Somebody
#5 - I Juant Your Sex
#6 - I Juant You Back
#7 - Don't You Juant Me Baby?

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Thanks for all the supportive comments and feedback!

Glad you enjoy them, but please -- NO SPOILERS!!

I will totally go all Emily Maynard West Virginia Hood Rat 

on you if you do. 

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