Hot Hollywood Hell - Bruce on the Loose

Good news, you guys!

Michael Jackson is back! 

Nah, not really.

Bruce is way too tan. 

When I opened up my UsWeekly last week and saw this photo - 

- I immediately threw up a little bit of the Pringles I was eating in my mouth, screamed for my Mommy, and realized that I had a new victim for my latest (and long overdue) installment of Hot Hollywood Hell. 

If you're new to the blog, here's the deal; I like to skewer a celebrity (or two…or five) every now and again simply for looking like -- or simply for being -- an idiot. 

I'm nice like that. 

And besides, I'm just saying what everyone else is thinking. Would I say it to their face? Uh, no way. Most of them could kill me cold with a flick of their pierced tongue. Or some other pierced appendage. 

All the old HHHs are listed right here on this page, which is full of other favorites and recaps if you want to catch up on some scintillating reading (but lie and say you were on CNN.com if anyone asks). 

Go ahead, I won't tell. 

But back to the disaster that is Bruce Jenner.

When I first saw this photo, I thought he'd died and someone had gruesomely snapped a picture of him in his open casket. 

Wait, it helps if you imagine him lying down.

He's seen here coming out of a surgery he had to shave down his Adam's apple.

I'm sorry, what was that?

HE HAD SOMEONE SHAVE DOWN HIS ADAM'S APPLE.

Apparently, he had a laryngeal shave, which is a procedure that flattens the Adam's apple and is typically a precursor to a sex-change operation.

Oh! Well, then! That makes perfect sense! Because you just know he's always been a little jealous of the attention the other members of the family get instead of him. Plus, there's never anything in his size at the family store.

When will it end? 

When he no longer has the ability of any other expression but this one?

He's not really smiling here.
He's actually sleeping.

Or when he finally gets everything he's been plotting all along?

"Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?"

Like him or not, I hope he stops this madness soon and doesn't end up dead at the hand of some crazy doctor...because this country can only take saying goodbye to MJ once.

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