You guys, I have to admit something that I have to admit is hard for me to admit.
I didn't really juant to watch The Bachelor last night.
Now before you all go banishing me to the exit limo with my roller suitcase that is only big enough to contain my bikini and my statement necklaces, let me defend myself by saying this: you didn't really juant to either.
Am I right or am I right?
But because I HAVE PEOPLE TO PLEASE (you're welcome) I watched.
And true to how I've felt for the past six weeks, I juanted to take back the two hours of my life that is now gone like (spoiler alert!) -- Sharleen.
And I wasn't even drinking wine to help ease the pain because I'd eaten three Girl Scout cookies after dinner.
But now that it's 9:20 p.m. and those cookies are all but a forgotten memory (much like Sharleen) and I'm settling down to start this post and write for the next hour or so, I'm seriously reconsidering that decision.
Hold on.
I'll be right back.
Since I've recently discovered Friday Night Lights on Netflix and am powering through season one and really want to watch one to try to erase all the irritating drivel I've just witnessed, let's just get this over with, shall we?
*RECAPPER'S NOTE*
The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.
Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I'm too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences, which would make it even longer.
And once again, you are welcome.
Juan Pablo is happy to be back home in Miami.
It's been three weeks since he's seen his daughter and I have to say, I'm impressed that he didn't stay abroad for as long as is typical and came back home to her. Or, what is the more likely story, ABC is pinching pennies as evidenced by the craptastic dates we've seen this season and they made it look like a heartwarming reunion between globe-trotting, gigilo father and sweet daughter who apparently still doesn't know what is going on, despite all the cameras trained on her "surprise reunion" with him.
Good lord.
Juan Pablo and Camila have a sweet reunion at his parents's house and then he has a sit down with his cousin who sucks on his braces wants to know all the juicy details on all the juicy girls.
Okay, he didn't actually say that, but you know he was sorely disappointed when all he got out of his playa-cousin-who-he-lives-vicariously-through was this:
JP: "There was this one girl who caught my attention…she was different…elegant…so classy and sexy."
Cousin: "Yeah? Sexy? (growl) Like how sexy?" *wink wink*
JP: "She is an OPRAH singer."
Cousin: "Ew. Nevermind."
JP: "She could be the one."
Cousin: "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY COUSIN?"
The girls arrive in Miami and check into the penthouse suite at Lowe's.
I've never had a desire to visit Miami, but it snowed six god damned inches today on top of the 16 we already have and there was blue water and white beaches and I may or may not have done some quick Googling to see how much it would cost for us to take a little weekend getaway there in the coming weeks.
Dammit. I hate winter.
They all sit on one couch together and Juan Pablo walks right in their unlocked hotel room door and strikes a stupid Charlie Brown pose in his stupid grape bermudas and sherbet colored tee.
I'm really so over him, you guys.
Everything he does I will now find fault with and ridicule.
Consider yourself warned.
He pulls out the date card himself (this whole Harrison absence is GETTING ON MY VERY LAST NERVE, ABC) and hands it to…drumroll...eye rolls…Sharleen.
And is met with silence.
Sharleen looks shocked (not shocking) and surprised (not surprisingly) and keeps saying, "seriously?" and "you're not kidding?" and the other girls look confused and tell us they're confused and I'M confused and shocked and surprised. She tells us (again) how confused she is as she walks out to meet him in a long, sleeveless dress with tiny white polka dots and a flowy skirt and a belt that would've been so in in like 1996 it's not even funny. In 2014 it's just ugly.
Sharleen and Juan Pablo board a yacht and immediately lay down on a pallet with pillows because that's what you do on a yacht.
After taking the now expected selfie of him and his date together (which he apparently is collecting for some twisted post Bachelor spank board) they lay down in awkward silence as the boat pulls away.
The conversation that transpires next is sort of like the following, but punctuated with ugly kissing:
Sharleen: "There are moments when I feel we just don't get each other. Do I seem uptight?"
JP: "I wouldn't call you 'uptight'…'lack of personality' on the other hand?…"
S: "I just don't seem like myself when I'm around you."
Huh. See that thing flying in the distance, sister? It's a RED FLAG.
He tells her (as usual) to "look at him" and she says, "Oh, no. I'm having a deja vu of the soccer date…"
My crew: "NOOO!!! NOT THE SOCCER DATE!! IT'S TAKEN US FOUR WEEKS AND THREE ROUNDS OF HYPNOSIS TO FORGET THE SOCCER DATE!!"
Cue face slurping.
S: "You're trouble."
And then they have a non-sensical banter about 'trouble' and about not being able to stop kissing each other and so they (of course) start kissing each other and I'm grossed out and confused by this attraction -- on both sides -- and Ew. We're so moving on.
They end up on a small island and do some more ugly kissing and weird Eskimo nose rubbing and lip biting. Geezus, dude. Save some moves for the Fantasy Suite.
JP decides to use this opportunity to get serious and make a statement that makes him seem thoughtful and intelligent: "I think a lot about Sharleen the OPRAH singer because your job is tough."
Sharleen: "Do you want me to address that?"
Seriously, you guys, she talks like she's leading a press conference.
She tells him she's been thinking about it and has "different priorities" and something about "change being good" that Juan Pablo eats up (literally) but that I'm too bored with to rewind and write down.
They go into the warm ocean and she's straddling him while they kiss, just like he did with Clare (but totally just like he didn't do with Clare, if you know what I mean).
Look out Sharleen, he's gonna make you feel like shit about that in about two days.
Later that evening Sharleen tells us AGAIN that her chemistry with Juan Pablo is "very special" and something you "don't get with everyone you meet" and that there's a "flicker in my heart" but she needs a "mental connection."
Huh. This chick's not using the same brain these Bachelors are used to, that's for damn sure.
She's annoying, but I suddenly like her a little.
Juan Pablo tells her that she's good at not trying to impress him but impressing him at the same time.
S: "Thanks??"
They lay on the same pallet on the same yacht and do some of the same ugly kissing that sounds a lot like they're eating big bowls of mac-n-cheese and Juan Pablo tells her that he really wants to meet her parents.
Crickets.
Crickets.
She lies and tells him she thinks it could work and that she thinks she could do it.
It that's not a signal that she's just not that into you, dude, I don't know what is.
But let's not forget who we're dealing with here, kids.
He tells her he likes her honesty and continues snacking on her face.
Meahwhile back at the penthouse, the girls are sitting on the couch wondering what Sharleen and Juan Pablo are doing on their date.
"Probably just walking around the city," says someone who I don't catch because I am inspecting a hangnail. Snore.
The date card arrives and the winner is Nurse Nikki, who smiles but says after reading it, "I have to dance again?" Humph!
Chelsie complains about Nikki complaining too much and Clare contemplates lacing Nikki's Pinot with Ex-Lax.
When Sharleen gets home, she's confused.
She tells us that she shouldn't be confused. That she should be "certain."
This can only mean one thing.
Time to visit the House Mother.
Sharleen tells Dr. Renee that she feels like it should be "black & white" at this point and she's just not sure about anything other than his tongue and it's not fair to take the hometown spot away from someone who is sure.
Renee, once again proving herself to be her own worst enemy and THE WORST PLAYER THIS GAME HAS EVER SEEN convinces Sharleen to stick with it and to not give up.
For her one-on-one date, Nurse Nikki has decided to wear a silk camisole and a silk floral robe over her cutoff barbie shorts.
Juan Pablo takes her to a flower shop and tells her they are there to pick out flowers to take to a dance recital. CAMILA'S dance recital.
Nikki is like OMIGOD because this totally shows how much he cares for her! But she's "so nervous" because "you don't just introduce anyone to your daughter!" And also, because she chose to WEAR HER ROBE.
He tells her that she'll also be meeting his parents and Carla, Camila's mama.
Okay, timeout.
What the Harrison hell is going on?
This breaks like eleventy-four Bachelor precedents and rules that provide the very framework of how I live my life from January to March. We all know that THE GIRL DOES NOT MEET THE PARENTS UNTIL THE DATE BEFORE THE FANTASY SUITE. And now the child? And the -- pauses to take a deep, cleansing breath up through the nose…out through the mouth -- child's mother???
I may or may not be thrown by this decision for weeks and have trouble sleeping as I lay there contemplating the motive behind these shenanigans. Well done, ABC. You've thrown me right off that horse I've been so comfortable riding for THE PAST 12 YEARS.
And also, please do not tell anyone how much this has affected me.
Circle of trust, my peeps. Circle of trust.
Time in.
So Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo, carrying a sorry bouquet of clovers and tulips, arrive at the dance studio for this "recital."
Listen, having had girls who danced for a combined total of 20 years I've been to my fair share of dance recitals, and I'm here to tell you this was not one.
Where were the costumes? Where was the stage? Where was the dancing??
Nikki quickly meets the parents and the baby mama (who gives her a hug) and Camila walks out with her class and waves at her Daddy and the Victoria's Secret Barbie sitting next to him and they begin their show, which consists mainly of Camila singing and about 20 backup dancers. Seriously, what do you think ABC pimped up to get all these families to sign releases for their five year old daughters to be on the FREAKIN' BACHELOR?
I'm thinking ABC staged this to try to get Camila her own show now that her Daddy's popularity is plummeting. Suck it, Disney Channel.
After therecital Camila Show! Juan Pablo introduces Nikki to Camila as "my friend Nikki" and Nikki has a little chat with her about Cheetos (cute) and then she chats with the parents and Carla. She even gives Camila a kiss on her cheek when they leave and Carla gives Nikki a hug.
Surprisingly, not one of them asks why she's wearing her robe.
I cannot wait to see Clare's head explode when she finds out about this.
That evening Juan Pablo continues to give Nikki the "wife treatment" and takes her to his office, which is apparently the entirety of Marlin's Park. They drive right into the stadium and walk onto the field for a picnic. Nikki, appropriately dressed in a backless white halter cut down to her navel and a black mini cut up to her navel, risks a serious wardrobe malfunction by having a game of catch with Juan Pablo. Seriously, my crew just knew a boob was coming out to play the game every time she threw that ball.
They lay on the field, and while I'm having serious PTSD flashbacks about what happened last time he was lying in the middle of a field with someone, discuss the "specialness" of the day and then Nikki gets choked up and asks him where she'd fit into this family of his.
Specifically, with baby mama Carla as one of his obvious BFFs.
Juan Pablo assures her that Carla wants what is best for him and yay! Nikki is hopeful and uses phrases in her voice over like "home run" that make me want to simultaneously punch the scriptwriter in the throat and toast to him for his cheesy brilliance.
Back at the penthouse, Sharleen feels sick because she finally has made a decision without using her loins as her brain.
She goes downstairs to break the news to the rest of the girls.
Blah blah blah "I'm super conflicted" and blah blah blah "not fair to the rest of you" and blah blah blah "takes it seriously" blah blah blah "doing what I consider the best thing right now."
Girls give Emmy winning performances by looking appropriately sad and melancholy but inside you know are thrilled that their odds of hometown visits were just raised by like16% 17% a lot.
Sharleen walks to Juan Pablo's room.
Juan Pablo, who we just saw in Marlin's Park with Nikki, opens the door wearing a blue hoodie from H&M that my 12 year old daughter wears all the time.
Sharleen: "Can we talk?"
JP: "No, I will not go for a swim in the warm ocean with you."
They sit on the couch.
S: "I feel like yesterday was…"
JP: "mmmhmmmm…you feel like you…"
S: "Let me finish, jackhole."
She starts again. Whispers in a volume only snails can hear.
"I feel like yesterday was amazing and that's what makes this excruciatingly difficult."
Tells him that she just "doesn't know if she can get to the place she's supposed to be in three weeks" and that she "needs more time" and she "doesn't want to take the spot of someone who knows they can be right for you."
Huh.
I swear I've heard this before.
JP, whispering so low I keep checking to see if the cat stepped on the mute button: "Look at me. Look at me."
S: "No, because I don't want to cry."
JP, giving her what is now and forever more his party line: "I don't want you to cry because of me."
THEN STOP MAKING ALL THE GIRLS CRY, asshat.
She tells him she's sorry and he tells her that "it's not easy" but that now "she got to know herself better" and then Sharleen does the unthinkable and looks down.
Juan Pablo grabs her face and tilts it up telling her to LOOK AT ME and whispers some more shit that I've grown tired of listening to.
He walks her to the door.
Gives her a bro hug and a kiss on the forehead and sends her on her way.
I guess when you drop out of the game you lose the tongue.
Juan Pablo goes to his balcony and throws himself off. Says she would've gotten a hometown date and starts to cry and says it doesn't make sense, because honestly, how could someone deny the magic that is Whan Pahblo?
Group Date - Clare, Andi, Chelsie and Renee
Three of the girls are rocking florally muumuus they picked up on the streets of Miami, and Chelsie is wearing a black cotton romper. They get picked up by sea plane and taken to a private beach.
There's a rose up for grabs on this date and they immediately begin campaigning for it.
Chelsie takes him aside and produces a stack of colorful envelopes (that she did not have when she got on the plane) that are notes of advice from her parents.
From Mom:
Don't chew gum.
Two drink maximum.
Keep your clothes on.
Juan Pablo: "I hate your mom. What does your dad say?"
From Dad:
"Remember this is supposed to be fun! Whatever Mom told you, do the opposite!"
Juan Pablo: "I love your Dad! Let's get drunk and get naked!!"
Andi is ready to break down and tells Juan Pablo she's feeling "super vulnerable" and starts to cry.
I'm ready for the party line about NO ONE CRIES ON JUAN PABLO'S WATCH but he just shoves his tongue down her throat instead.
Andi: "How do you always calm me down so much?"
JP: "It is not me, seniorita, it is the magic of Whan Pahlo's tongue."
Open wide.
Renee and Clare, in their ABC issued ruffled bikini tops from Gymboree, are wondering who will get the rose. Clare is sure it will besomeone he's totally sure of her. She tells him (again) that she's the youngest of six girls. Surprisingly, still hasn't told him she's part Mexican.
Out of the blue, he tells her he'd have liked to have met her dear Dad, who (let's not forget) is sadly dead.
She starts to cry, proving that his party line about not wanting to make anyone cry is A GOD DAMMED LIE, and tells him (again) about the video her Dad made for her future husband.
It was a sweet story the first time, sweetheart.
Now I've grown tired of it.
It starts to rain and Juan Pablo gives the rose to Andi, meaning she's IN for hometown dates. Also means the other girls have to take their soggy asses back on that sea plane because Andi gets Juan Pablo to herself for the rest of the evening.
As the plane ascends over the ocean, they see Andi and Juan Pablo kissing in the warm ocean.
Clare pounds on the window and yells, "KEEP IT IN YOUR SHORTS, ASSHOLE!"
When the girls get back to the hotel, Nikki comes tripping down the stairs wondering why they're back. Clare tells us she'd rather hang out with a jellyfish than with Nikki.
They fill Nikki in on the events of the day and then just sit there in silence on the couch.
Nikki says that Clare looks "checked out" and some other stuff and walks back upstairs.
The other three are all
which I don't really get because I'm not sure how Nikki was being offensive, other than the fact that oh, yeah, SHE GOT TO MEET THE ENTIRE FAMILY.
(Which I'm supremely disappointed that we never got to see their reactions when they found out, by the way.)
Clare follows her up to her room and confronts her.
I lost track of the barbs that were being flung back and forth at least 13 times, but I think it went something like this --
• someone was talking shit about the other one
• someone can't come to terms about who was talking shit
• Nikki cuts Clare off which pisses Clare off
• Clare cuts Nikki off which pisses Nikki off
• Nikki tells Clare they will never be friends
• Nikki asks Clare to "excuse yourself" from her room
• there is a 20 minute confrontation about whose room it is and who is paying for it
• someone feels bad or doesn't
• someone feels like someone walked out of some conversation
Clare finally walks out of the room that we never figure out is whose and says, "You're a piece of work, Nikki."
Nikki tells us Clare is like a dog: "She peed on him first so she thinks she claimed him."
Rose Ceremony -
The girls arrive in solid jewel colored mini dresses (except Chelsie who is in a black romper) and sit poolside on a couch being silently bitchy to each other.
Nikki and Clare continue to try to pierce each other's souls with their eyes and when the other three girls mysteriously vanish (i.e., were given "errands" to run for the ABC producers in hopes of creating a cat fight) try to freeze each other out with their frosty silence.
They keep the cameras on them -- with no background mood music except literal crickets -- for about two (but what seems like 20) minutes.
The girls return one by one and picksides couches.
Andi is Team Nikki and Chelsie and Renee join Team Clare.
Harrison FINALLY shows up and Juan Pablo happily jumps up off the couch to leave with him.
Bitches be crazy.
Roses to:
Andi (already earned)
Nikki
Clare
Renee
As the girls hug Chelsie goodbye Juan Pablo starts to cry.
Cheslie grabs his face: "Look at me. LOOK AT ME. Do not cry because of me."
No, she doesn't say that, but does say some sweet things to him and takes her rejection like a champ, until she gets in the exit limo and downs a bottle of champagne.
Juan Pablo breaks down.
Goes full on Mesnick.
Good to see you again, Jason.
Leaderboard after week 7 -
Clare
Nikki
Next week there'll be TWO DAYS of this, you guys.
TWO DAYS.
There's the hometown visits (which look typical) on Monday, but Tuesday Harrison tells us that, for the first time, "What happens in the Fantasy Suite doesn't stay in the Fantasy Suite" and will "shock America!"
There's crying and drama and I CANNOT WAIT.
Not sure I have two recaps in me, though, so it will be a combined recap going up on Wednesday.
It's gonna be a long one, so you might need to go ahead and clear your afternoon that day.
I'm already carbing up to get ready.
But because I HAVE PEOPLE TO PLEASE (you're welcome) I watched.
And true to how I've felt for the past six weeks, I juanted to take back the two hours of my life that is now gone like (spoiler alert!) -- Sharleen.
And I wasn't even drinking wine to help ease the pain because I'd eaten three Girl Scout cookies after dinner.
But now that it's 9:20 p.m. and those cookies are all but a forgotten memory (much like Sharleen) and I'm settling down to start this post and write for the next hour or so, I'm seriously reconsidering that decision.
Hold on.
I'll be right back.
Since I've recently discovered Friday Night Lights on Netflix and am powering through season one and really want to watch one to try to erase all the irritating drivel I've just witnessed, let's just get this over with, shall we?
*RECAPPER'S NOTE*
The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.
Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I'm too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences, which would make it even longer.
And once again, you are welcome.
Juan Pablo is happy to be back home in Miami.
It's been three weeks since he's seen his daughter and I have to say, I'm impressed that he didn't stay abroad for as long as is typical and came back home to her. Or, what is the more likely story, ABC is pinching pennies as evidenced by the craptastic dates we've seen this season and they made it look like a heartwarming reunion between globe-trotting, gigilo father and sweet daughter who apparently still doesn't know what is going on, despite all the cameras trained on her "surprise reunion" with him.
Good lord.
Juan Pablo and Camila have a sweet reunion at his parents's house and then he has a sit down with his cousin who sucks on his braces wants to know all the juicy details on all the juicy girls.
Okay, he didn't actually say that, but you know he was sorely disappointed when all he got out of his playa-cousin-who-he-lives-vicariously-through was this:
JP: "There was this one girl who caught my attention…she was different…elegant…so classy and sexy."
Cousin: "Yeah? Sexy? (growl) Like how sexy?" *wink wink*
JP: "She is an OPRAH singer."
Cousin: "Ew. Nevermind."
JP: "She could be the one."
Cousin: "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY COUSIN?"
The girls arrive in Miami and check into the penthouse suite at Lowe's.
I've never had a desire to visit Miami, but it snowed six god damned inches today on top of the 16 we already have and there was blue water and white beaches and I may or may not have done some quick Googling to see how much it would cost for us to take a little weekend getaway there in the coming weeks.
Dammit. I hate winter.
They all sit on one couch together and Juan Pablo walks right in their unlocked hotel room door and strikes a stupid Charlie Brown pose in his stupid grape bermudas and sherbet colored tee.
I'm really so over him, you guys.
Everything he does I will now find fault with and ridicule.
Consider yourself warned.
He pulls out the date card himself (this whole Harrison absence is GETTING ON MY VERY LAST NERVE, ABC) and hands it to…drumroll...eye rolls…Sharleen.
And is met with silence.
Sharleen looks shocked (not shocking) and surprised (not surprisingly) and keeps saying, "seriously?" and "you're not kidding?" and the other girls look confused and tell us they're confused and I'M confused and shocked and surprised. She tells us (again) how confused she is as she walks out to meet him in a long, sleeveless dress with tiny white polka dots and a flowy skirt and a belt that would've been so in in like 1996 it's not even funny. In 2014 it's just ugly.
Sharleen and Juan Pablo board a yacht and immediately lay down on a pallet with pillows because that's what you do on a yacht.
After taking the now expected selfie of him and his date together (which he apparently is collecting for some twisted post Bachelor spank board) they lay down in awkward silence as the boat pulls away.
The conversation that transpires next is sort of like the following, but punctuated with ugly kissing:
Sharleen: "There are moments when I feel we just don't get each other. Do I seem uptight?"
JP: "I wouldn't call you 'uptight'…'lack of personality' on the other hand?…"
S: "I just don't seem like myself when I'm around you."
Huh. See that thing flying in the distance, sister? It's a RED FLAG.
He tells her (as usual) to "look at him" and she says, "Oh, no. I'm having a deja vu of the soccer date…"
My crew: "NOOO!!! NOT THE SOCCER DATE!! IT'S TAKEN US FOUR WEEKS AND THREE ROUNDS OF HYPNOSIS TO FORGET THE SOCCER DATE!!"
 |
| Sorry, but if I can't unsee it, you can't unsee it. |
Cue face slurping.
S: "You're trouble."
And then they have a non-sensical banter about 'trouble' and about not being able to stop kissing each other and so they (of course) start kissing each other and I'm grossed out and confused by this attraction -- on both sides -- and Ew. We're so moving on.
They end up on a small island and do some more ugly kissing and weird Eskimo nose rubbing and lip biting. Geezus, dude. Save some moves for the Fantasy Suite.
JP decides to use this opportunity to get serious and make a statement that makes him seem thoughtful and intelligent: "I think a lot about Sharleen the OPRAH singer because your job is tough."
Sharleen: "Do you want me to address that?"
Seriously, you guys, she talks like she's leading a press conference.
She tells him she's been thinking about it and has "different priorities" and something about "change being good" that Juan Pablo eats up (literally) but that I'm too bored with to rewind and write down.
They go into the warm ocean and she's straddling him while they kiss, just like he did with Clare (but totally just like he didn't do with Clare, if you know what I mean).
Look out Sharleen, he's gonna make you feel like shit about that in about two days.
Later that evening Sharleen tells us AGAIN that her chemistry with Juan Pablo is "very special" and something you "don't get with everyone you meet" and that there's a "flicker in my heart" but she needs a "mental connection."
Huh. This chick's not using the same brain these Bachelors are used to, that's for damn sure.
She's annoying, but I suddenly like her a little.
Juan Pablo tells her that she's good at not trying to impress him but impressing him at the same time.
S: "Thanks??"
They lay on the same pallet on the same yacht and do some of the same ugly kissing that sounds a lot like they're eating big bowls of mac-n-cheese and Juan Pablo tells her that he really wants to meet her parents.
Crickets.
Crickets.
She lies and tells him she thinks it could work and that she thinks she could do it.
It that's not a signal that she's just not that into you, dude, I don't know what is.
But let's not forget who we're dealing with here, kids.
He tells her he likes her honesty and continues snacking on her face.
Meahwhile back at the penthouse, the girls are sitting on the couch wondering what Sharleen and Juan Pablo are doing on their date.
"Probably just walking around the city," says someone who I don't catch because I am inspecting a hangnail. Snore.
The date card arrives and the winner is Nurse Nikki, who smiles but says after reading it, "I have to dance again?" Humph!
Chelsie complains about Nikki complaining too much and Clare contemplates lacing Nikki's Pinot with Ex-Lax.
When Sharleen gets home, she's confused.
She tells us that she shouldn't be confused. That she should be "certain."
This can only mean one thing.
Time to visit the House Mother.
Sharleen tells Dr. Renee that she feels like it should be "black & white" at this point and she's just not sure about anything other than his tongue and it's not fair to take the hometown spot away from someone who is sure.
Renee, once again proving herself to be her own worst enemy and THE WORST PLAYER THIS GAME HAS EVER SEEN convinces Sharleen to stick with it and to not give up.
For her one-on-one date, Nurse Nikki has decided to wear a silk camisole and a silk floral robe over her cutoff barbie shorts.
Juan Pablo takes her to a flower shop and tells her they are there to pick out flowers to take to a dance recital. CAMILA'S dance recital.
Nikki is like OMIGOD because this totally shows how much he cares for her! But she's "so nervous" because "you don't just introduce anyone to your daughter!" And also, because she chose to WEAR HER ROBE.
He tells her that she'll also be meeting his parents and Carla, Camila's mama.
Okay, timeout.
What the Harrison hell is going on?
This breaks like eleventy-four Bachelor precedents and rules that provide the very framework of how I live my life from January to March. We all know that THE GIRL DOES NOT MEET THE PARENTS UNTIL THE DATE BEFORE THE FANTASY SUITE. And now the child? And the -- pauses to take a deep, cleansing breath up through the nose…out through the mouth -- child's mother???
I may or may not be thrown by this decision for weeks and have trouble sleeping as I lay there contemplating the motive behind these shenanigans. Well done, ABC. You've thrown me right off that horse I've been so comfortable riding for THE PAST 12 YEARS.
And also, please do not tell anyone how much this has affected me.
Circle of trust, my peeps. Circle of trust.
Time in.
So Nurse Nikki and Juan Pablo, carrying a sorry bouquet of clovers and tulips, arrive at the dance studio for this "recital."
Listen, having had girls who danced for a combined total of 20 years I've been to my fair share of dance recitals, and I'm here to tell you this was not one.
Where were the costumes? Where was the stage? Where was the dancing??
Nikki quickly meets the parents and the baby mama (who gives her a hug) and Camila walks out with her class and waves at her Daddy and the Victoria's Secret Barbie sitting next to him and they begin their show, which consists mainly of Camila singing and about 20 backup dancers. Seriously, what do you think ABC pimped up to get all these families to sign releases for their five year old daughters to be on the FREAKIN' BACHELOR?
I'm thinking ABC staged this to try to get Camila her own show now that her Daddy's popularity is plummeting. Suck it, Disney Channel.
After the
Surprisingly, not one of them asks why she's wearing her robe.
I cannot wait to see Clare's head explode when she finds out about this.
That evening Juan Pablo continues to give Nikki the "wife treatment" and takes her to his office, which is apparently the entirety of Marlin's Park. They drive right into the stadium and walk onto the field for a picnic. Nikki, appropriately dressed in a backless white halter cut down to her navel and a black mini cut up to her navel, risks a serious wardrobe malfunction by having a game of catch with Juan Pablo. Seriously, my crew just knew a boob was coming out to play the game every time she threw that ball.
They lay on the field, and while I'm having serious PTSD flashbacks about what happened last time he was lying in the middle of a field with someone, discuss the "specialness" of the day and then Nikki gets choked up and asks him where she'd fit into this family of his.
Specifically, with baby mama Carla as one of his obvious BFFs.
Juan Pablo assures her that Carla wants what is best for him and yay! Nikki is hopeful and uses phrases in her voice over like "home run" that make me want to simultaneously punch the scriptwriter in the throat and toast to him for his cheesy brilliance.
Back at the penthouse, Sharleen feels sick because she finally has made a decision without using her loins as her brain.
She goes downstairs to break the news to the rest of the girls.
Blah blah blah "I'm super conflicted" and blah blah blah "not fair to the rest of you" and blah blah blah "takes it seriously" blah blah blah "doing what I consider the best thing right now."
Girls give Emmy winning performances by looking appropriately sad and melancholy but inside you know are thrilled that their odds of hometown visits were just raised by like
Sharleen walks to Juan Pablo's room.
Juan Pablo, who we just saw in Marlin's Park with Nikki, opens the door wearing a blue hoodie from H&M that my 12 year old daughter wears all the time.
Sharleen: "Can we talk?"
JP: "No, I will not go for a swim in the warm ocean with you."
They sit on the couch.
S: "I feel like yesterday was…"
JP: "mmmhmmmm…you feel like you…"
S: "Let me finish, jackhole."
She starts again. Whispers in a volume only snails can hear.
"I feel like yesterday was amazing and that's what makes this excruciatingly difficult."
Tells him that she just "doesn't know if she can get to the place she's supposed to be in three weeks" and that she "needs more time" and she "doesn't want to take the spot of someone who knows they can be right for you."
Huh.
I swear I've heard this before.
JP, whispering so low I keep checking to see if the cat stepped on the mute button: "Look at me. Look at me."
S: "No, because I don't want to cry."
JP, giving her what is now and forever more his party line: "I don't want you to cry because of me."
THEN STOP MAKING ALL THE GIRLS CRY, asshat.
She tells him she's sorry and he tells her that "it's not easy" but that now "she got to know herself better" and then Sharleen does the unthinkable and looks down.
Juan Pablo grabs her face and tilts it up telling her to LOOK AT ME and whispers some more shit that I've grown tired of listening to.
He walks her to the door.
Gives her a bro hug and a kiss on the forehead and sends her on her way.
I guess when you drop out of the game you lose the tongue.
Juan Pablo goes to his balcony and throws himself off. Says she would've gotten a hometown date and starts to cry and says it doesn't make sense, because honestly, how could someone deny the magic that is Whan Pahblo?
Group Date - Clare, Andi, Chelsie and Renee
Three of the girls are rocking florally muumuus they picked up on the streets of Miami, and Chelsie is wearing a black cotton romper. They get picked up by sea plane and taken to a private beach.
There's a rose up for grabs on this date and they immediately begin campaigning for it.
Chelsie takes him aside and produces a stack of colorful envelopes (that she did not have when she got on the plane) that are notes of advice from her parents.
From Mom:
Don't chew gum.
Two drink maximum.
Keep your clothes on.
Juan Pablo: "I hate your mom. What does your dad say?"
From Dad:
"Remember this is supposed to be fun! Whatever Mom told you, do the opposite!"
Juan Pablo: "I love your Dad! Let's get drunk and get naked!!"
Andi is ready to break down and tells Juan Pablo she's feeling "super vulnerable" and starts to cry.
I'm ready for the party line about NO ONE CRIES ON JUAN PABLO'S WATCH but he just shoves his tongue down her throat instead.
Andi: "How do you always calm me down so much?"
JP: "It is not me, seniorita, it is the magic of Whan Pahlo's tongue."
Open wide.
Renee and Clare, in their ABC issued ruffled bikini tops from Gymboree, are wondering who will get the rose. Clare is sure it will be
Out of the blue, he tells her he'd have liked to have met her dear Dad, who (let's not forget) is sadly dead.
She starts to cry, proving that his party line about not wanting to make anyone cry is A GOD DAMMED LIE, and tells him (again) about the video her Dad made for her future husband.
It was a sweet story the first time, sweetheart.
Now I've grown tired of it.
It starts to rain and Juan Pablo gives the rose to Andi, meaning she's IN for hometown dates. Also means the other girls have to take their soggy asses back on that sea plane because Andi gets Juan Pablo to herself for the rest of the evening.
As the plane ascends over the ocean, they see Andi and Juan Pablo kissing in the warm ocean.
Clare pounds on the window and yells, "KEEP IT IN YOUR SHORTS, ASSHOLE!"
When the girls get back to the hotel, Nikki comes tripping down the stairs wondering why they're back. Clare tells us she'd rather hang out with a jellyfish than with Nikki.
They fill Nikki in on the events of the day and then just sit there in silence on the couch.
Nikki says that Clare looks "checked out" and some other stuff and walks back upstairs.
The other three are all
which I don't really get because I'm not sure how Nikki was being offensive, other than the fact that oh, yeah, SHE GOT TO MEET THE ENTIRE FAMILY.
(Which I'm supremely disappointed that we never got to see their reactions when they found out, by the way.)
Clare follows her up to her room and confronts her.
I lost track of the barbs that were being flung back and forth at least 13 times, but I think it went something like this --
• someone was talking shit about the other one
• someone can't come to terms about who was talking shit
• Nikki cuts Clare off which pisses Clare off
• Clare cuts Nikki off which pisses Nikki off
• Nikki tells Clare they will never be friends
• Nikki asks Clare to "excuse yourself" from her room
• there is a 20 minute confrontation about whose room it is and who is paying for it
• someone feels bad or doesn't
• someone feels like someone walked out of some conversation
Clare finally walks out of the room that we never figure out is whose and says, "You're a piece of work, Nikki."
Nikki tells us Clare is like a dog: "She peed on him first so she thinks she claimed him."
Rose Ceremony -
The girls arrive in solid jewel colored mini dresses (except Chelsie who is in a black romper) and sit poolside on a couch being silently bitchy to each other.
Nikki and Clare continue to try to pierce each other's souls with their eyes and when the other three girls mysteriously vanish (i.e., were given "errands" to run for the ABC producers in hopes of creating a cat fight) try to freeze each other out with their frosty silence.
They keep the cameras on them -- with no background mood music except literal crickets -- for about two (but what seems like 20) minutes.
The girls return one by one and pick
Andi is Team Nikki and Chelsie and Renee join Team Clare.
Harrison FINALLY shows up and Juan Pablo happily jumps up off the couch to leave with him.
Bitches be crazy.
Roses to:
Andi (already earned)
Nikki
Clare
Renee
As the girls hug Chelsie goodbye Juan Pablo starts to cry.
Cheslie grabs his face: "Look at me. LOOK AT ME. Do not cry because of me."
No, she doesn't say that, but does say some sweet things to him and takes her rejection like a champ, until she gets in the exit limo and downs a bottle of champagne.
Juan Pablo breaks down.
Goes full on Mesnick.
Good to see you again, Jason.
Leaderboard after week 7 -
Clare
Nikki
Next week there'll be TWO DAYS of this, you guys.
TWO DAYS.
There's the hometown visits (which look typical) on Monday, but Tuesday Harrison tells us that, for the first time, "What happens in the Fantasy Suite doesn't stay in the Fantasy Suite" and will "shock America!"
There's crying and drama and I CANNOT WAIT.
Not sure I have two recaps in me, though, so it will be a combined recap going up on Wednesday.
It's gonna be a long one, so you might need to go ahead and clear your afternoon that day.
I'm already carbing up to get ready.
#1 - I Juant You to Juant Me
#2 - Walkin' in a Winter Juanderland
#3 - I Juant to Kiss You All Over
#4 - Oh, I Juanna Dance With Somebody
#5 - I Juant Your Sex
#6 - I Juant You Back
If you like these recaps, I'd be ever so grateful if you'd
share the link on your Facebook pages...
or just tell like your entire office or playgroup or book club or twitterverse.
One day you might help me reach my lifelong goal of meeting Chris Harrison.
(Which is actually second to my first lifelong goal of meeting Baio, obviously.)
Thanks for all the supportive comments and feedback!
Glad you enjoy them, but please -- NO SPOILERS!!
I will totally go all Emily Maynard West Virginia Hood Rat
on you if you do.
Glad you enjoy them, but please -- NO SPOILERS!!
I will totally go all Emily Maynard West Virginia Hood Rat
on you if you do.
© 2012-2014 You're my favorite today. All Rights Reserved.
And by 'All Rights Reserved' I mean - DON'T STEAL MY STUFF.
Thanks again for another great recap. I must confess, I did not watch last night (he is getting tiring no?) knowing I could rely on your update...so again thank you.
ReplyDeleteAlso Friday Night Lights...BEST show ever...enjoy!
I've been waiting a whole week for your recap and you flawlessly deliver! Seriously. I was looking forward to this more than the show itself. I freaking LOVE your pictures and gifs(?) - they always make me pee myself. At work (j/k boss, I'm at lunch when I read them!). So glad you (and most of America) are also grossed out by JP and Sharleen's "besitos". The hubs and I look at each other during every awkwardly disgusting kiss. We have to take a break for a second just so we can keep watching! I am kinda sad I won't get to hear Sharleen use the word "inorganic" anymore, though. She was on track to set a record for the most times the word has been said...EVER.
ReplyDeleteYou missed my favorite part when Nikki was in the white top- can we call two strips of paper towels a top?- and JP was pretending to listen to her but staring at her boobies. It was Klassy.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, if I die I gave Brock permission to pursue Renee.
I can't even tell you how much I look forward to these recaps!! Reading this is so much better than actually watching the show which by the way I do while I run on the treadmill so I only half pay attention!!
ReplyDeleteGlad you had wine to type up the post - definitely necessary when you have to relive some of these things!!!
I totally missed the beginning and came in when they were at the "recital"! I could not believe that happened!!!
ReplyDeleteLoved all the moodiness and can NOT wait for next week!
Are you kidding? I have to wait til Wednesday? UGH!!! Imma be going through withdrawal all day Tuesday.
ReplyDeleteThis was fantastic! After all the hype about Juan Pablo being the most requested Bachelor of all time, I'm happy to know that most people are also completely turned off by him.
ReplyDeleteThis was fantastic! After all the hype about Juan Pablo being the most requested Bachelor of all time, I'm happy to know that most people are also completely turned off by him.
ReplyDeleteEven though we are boycotting this season (and it sounds like we are clearly the winners here!), reading your recaps still totally makes us laugh! P.S. FNL is the BEST show ever. The end.-Ashley
ReplyDelete