Golden Globes Recap: The Bar is Open

You guys, I had high hopes for the Globes.

I always do.

Tables full of celebrities, alcohol flowing, schmoozing during commercial breaks, drunken speeches, the joining of television and cinema; how could it be anything other than awesome? 

And I'm happy to tell you  — it delivered. 

Did the show keep me entertained for the five full hours I sat on my ass and watched it (E! Red Carpet the two hours before the three hour broadcast)? 

No, not always (but that's why you tape it and watch it delayed).  

Was I sitting on the edge of my seat waiting to see who would win for Best Foreign Language Film or Best Miniseries? 

Nope. Didn't care. 

Could I hardly wait for the montage of Woody Allen films and was I waiting with baited breath to see if the grand mini man himself would show up to accept his award (he didn't)? 

Not at all. In fact, I fast-forwarded through that part because I'm not a Woody Allen fan. *ducks to avoid hurling tomatoes*

But despite all this, did I love the show?

You bet. 

Why?

BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO BE THERE. In that room. With all the people. And because, like always, the speeches were odd and rambly and didn't make a whole lot of sense (thanks to the free flowing booze) and oh, yeah. Because of these two.

But before I get to the great moments from the actual show, let's do some fashion critiquing, shall we? 

Let's start with the cringeworthy. The misses. The UGLY ASS DRESSES. In my humble and in no way qualified opinion. 

Lena Dunham

I'm a fan of her show, Girls. 

Well, I'm like 75% a fan. 25% of the time I'm cringing and hating it for a variety of reasons, but because it's so popular and like the "it" show on HBO I keep watching. I'm nothing if not a follower. Shut up. 

I admire Lena Dunham for her individuality and her quirkiness, but this dress seems so normal. So 1993 bridesmaid (if it was in navy blue and had a shawl collar and was on one of my own five bridesmaids). I've gotta give her props for making the effort, but she looks like she's trying to be something she's just not, not to mention uber uncomfortable. And the sex-pot expression and pose looks way to contrived. For god's sake, LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY, LENA. Please.  

Amy Adams

I love her, I do. But I did not like this dress. Too long. Too boring. Too bare on top. Bringing her "American Hustle" globes to the Globes, if you will. Last year she was one of my favorites, this year she looks like she's wearing a maxi dress. The one redeeming thing? She might be the only person in the Beverly Hilton who wasn't spray tanned like an Oompa Loompa. 

Julia Roberts

Love the hair and smoky eye, but why the hell is she wearing her husband's shirt under her strapless gown? 

Sarah Hyland A bastard Von Trapp child

Last year Sarah looked like Sofia Vergara (va-va-voom) so apparently this year decided to completely switch gears and channel Swiss Miss. You know what I think, you guys? I think Sarah's been watching too much Bachelor and has a girl crush on Lucy, THE FREE SPIRIT. No makeup? Check. Flowy dress? Check. No shoes? Can't tell, so let's just say Check. 

The lack of makeup and messy hair was horrid. She says her 'do was "Valentino runway inspired." Was Valentino showing migrant farm workers of the '30's on the runway this year? 

Mila Kunis The Grandmother from Flowers in the Attic

WTF, Mila? Why so severe? So serious? Oh, never mind, you're STILL GORGEOUS, even when you look like a demonic bitch. 

Smile, dammit.

Sandra Bullock

If she had bigger hair she'd look a little bit like Cha Cha from "Grease", don't ya think? Lovin' Sandy, not lovin' this dress. 

Edie Falco

Hey, Edie, Christmas was like three weeks ago. Looks like there's a present you forgot to unwrap.

Jennifer Lawrence

Oh, I love her so much that it's hard for me to say that I do not like her dress, but I just don't. Looks like a maxi pad. In bondage. Or the undergarment for the real dress that's still hanging in her closet. But her personality is so infectious that once (every time) she opened her mouth it became the most fabulous dress at the Globes. 

Moving on to the gals who hit it outta the park. And please remember, I am sitting here on my ass going on hour seven in stretched out yoga pants and a threadbare and slightly stained sweatshirt from 1999. My opinions (and this post) need to be taken with a lot of salt. 

Zooey Deschanel

Okay, I'll admit, if I was only looking at this photo I'd be questioning this choice for "Best Dressed" as well. But in person (or on my TV on the E! Red Carpet) she looked ADORABLE and perfect. From head to toe she was personality perfection. Her hairstyle, which was a loose side-bun with a large flower, fit her quirky identity as did her fun and flouncy bedazzled skirt/top combo which matched her shoes perfectly.  Lena Dunham, take note. This is how you do personality. 

Lupita Nyong'o

Woman, I do not know who you are, but YOU ARE A GOD DAMNED GODDESS and should win ALL THE AWARDS. 

Kerry Washington

Glowing and pregnant with America's baby (do not even tell me that isn't Fitz's), she looked AHMAZING. 

Juliana Marguiles

You guys, for a minute I thought I was the same age as her and was horrified because she looks so damn good (i.e.; better than me (not a hard feat)).  Then I googled her and guess what? SHE'S ALMOST THREE YEARS OLDER THAN ME.  God dammit. I hate her. I love her. Seriously, she looked UNBELIEVABLE. And mark my words, my friends, if (when) I ever go to an awards show, this is how I'm gonna look. (shut up)

Reese Witherspoon

Dress MOLDED to her. I bet she snapped it on like an adorably gorgeous Polly Pocket. 

Cate Blanchett

Here's what I want to know. What kinds of magical creams and potions does she use on her skin? I bet it's made out of unicorn. Despite the slight Morticia vibe, she looked stunning and the very epitome of classy Hollywood glamour. And if the front of her wasn't enough, just look at the back. Business in front, part-ay in the back (and I'm not entirely sure she has an ass crack).

Olivia Wilde

When Thing 1 was a toddler she asked me if mermaids could be pregnant. Here's your answer, Thing 1. (And you are welcome for this inclusion, Husband -- who has a thing for Olivia Wilde…and mermaids.)


Okay, enough with the fashion, let's get to the highlights of the show ~

★ Tina and Amy. The end.

But seriously, their opening was perfection -- the right blend of funny and scathing -- and can we pause for a moment to appreciate how absolutely fantastic they looked?

Looking so amazing this photo deserves a second look

I was super happy to see Tina's gorgeous show hairstyle because I'd seen her talking to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet earlier and had a scary flashback:

Hey, Tina. Give me back my hairdo from 1993. 

What you cannot see in this photo of me from my honeymoon is that I'm wearing little white socks and chambray Keds to keep the pattern going. Be thankful you cannot see it because I cannot unsee it now.

Some of my favorite Tina & Amy zingers from the show:

"…and now, like a supermodel's vagina, let's give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio."

"Gravity is nominated for Best Film. It's the story of how George Clooney would rather float off into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age."

"….if I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I'd go to one of Jonah Hill's pool parties."

★ The speeches that rambled and made no sense and other pieces of evidence that most everyone there was loaded

•Jacqueline Bisset pausing and crying and speaking in fragments. Can you say "Drinky Drinky" Jackie?

•The orchestra soundtrack was working overtime playing people off stage -- except that they wouldn't stop talking and leave the stage. 
•Jared Leto talking about butts and Brazillian waxing.
•Diddy singing "Let it Flow…Let it Floooow" when U2 came to the stage to accept their award for "Ordinary Love" -- ("Let it Go" was a different song with different lyrics written by different people for a different movie).
•Jennifer Lawrence being adorably bumbly and humble and honest (after saying she'd seen all the films in her category, "…not all of them, you know what I mean") and the only person who can get away with all of it stone cold sober (although I can never tell if she is).
•Amy Pohler sitting on Bono's lap and making out with him when she won her award, and then ditching the funny girl schtick and being serious and humble and gracious when she accepted her award.
•Emma Thompson coming out barefoot on stage to present (looking drop dead gorgeous) holding her heels in one hand and a large martini in the other, but no envelope.

★ The schmoozing during the commercial breaks
It's my favorite part of watching the Golden Globes; watching who all the celebrities are talking to when the show cuts to commercials. Here's a few things I saw last night that made me imagine myself in that room:
•The cast of Modern Family raising glasses and "Cheersing" each other (sit me at that table, please).
•Swiss Miss and Taylor Swift doing kissy cheeks to each other (apparently they're good friends. Who knew?)
•Taylor Swift standing next to Gwyneth (who looked dour) and Chris Martin talking to The Edge and the white haired dude from U2 (TSwift working the room).
•Ben Affleck and Matt Damon chatting...probably about me.

★ This dude's hair:

I was wondering where my black chip clip went...

And to wrap it up...
★ This photobomb

proving that no matter how hideous your dress, if you don't take yourself or all this Hollywood nonsense seriously, you are still the most awesome starlet in the galaxy.

You guys, you know I could keep going on and on about the dresses and the jokes (the scripted ones and some of the actual people), but I've got to pace myself: I've got The Bachelor to watch and recap tonight (and tomorrow morning).  This double whammy might just kill me. 

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