Bachelor Recap #2 - Walkin' in a Winter Juanderland

After recapping the Globes until way past my bedtime last night (this morning?) I have to say I wasn't going into tonight's episode of The Bachelor with my usual excitement.
Sure, pouring my small portion of mini m&m's into my designated portion contol cup and hearing the satisfying plink plink plink as the tiny and colorful morsels hit the plastic thrilled me (as usual), and opening a fresh bag of Skinnypop made me drool before I even sat my ass in my official recapper's chair, but I was (dare I say) kind of exhausted and overwhelmed at the prospect of having to produce another never-ending recap so soon.
And then I saw the clips of what was to come.
Barbie shorts!
Snow!
Tears!
Bikinis!
Boobs!
Tears!
An 80's dance party!
Tears!
And the very best? THE BATHROOM BREAKDOWN.

Needless to say my mood shifted exponentially.

So pour yourself a drink (unless you're VICTORIA) and let's get recapping.

Episode 2:
Menu:
mini m&m's (my crack)
Skinnypop
Diet Ginger Ale (yes, I'm watching and recapping dry (again) tonight. Don't worry about me (although I kind of am), I had enough wine last night while watching the Globes to cover tonight, too).
Crew:
Faithful Bachelor-Watching Sidekick since 2001 - Husband
12 year old daughter (furthering her "Dating 101" education)

*RECAPPER'S NOTE*
The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.
Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I'm too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences, which would make it even longer.
And once again, you are welcome. 

We open with a shot of Molly the dog doing her morning laps in the pool.
You guys, THE DOG IS STILL THERE.
If Kelly makes it to the out of country dates, I wonder if she can get little Camila to dog-sit?

ABC, apparently deciding to give us more footage of either the drama that is going to unfold later or added shower scenes with JP (pleasepleaseplease) cuts out Harrison arriving with the first date card.
HOLD. ON.
Not acceptable.
ABC, this is a mistake you do not want to make again. If you keep Harrison hidden away until the end of the show I may need to write a letter, start a petition or -- don't make me say it -- start a Twitter war. And it won't matter that I kind of suck at Twitter. I WILL WIN.

One-on-One Date: "Let's Chill"
It seems that prosthetic baby bump Clare got the first one-on-one and as she's applying her makeup with gigantic makeup brushes and lipgloss sticks tells us in voiceover that she has "an average, mundane life" that gets boring sometimes.

Sad face.

JP arrives in a skin tight teal long sleeved t-shirt and jeans (A+) and picks up Clare who is wearing a pleather/sherpa jacket over a white tee that at first glance looked like something my dad might have worn in the early 70's but when she stands up is actually cute (solid B).

Cut to JP who says, "Being Elll Batch-E-lour (with a clearing throat sound on the 'lour') makes me give a lot of surprises." 
Okay, let's huddle for a sidebar.
First of all, "The Bachelor" in spanish is "El Soltero," not "El Batch-E-lour" (with a clearing throat sound on the 'lour').
Secondly, YOU ARE NOT THE ONE GIVING THE SURPRISES. Almost 12 years. TWELVE YEARS and they all still believe they are the ones who planned the dates. Idiots.

So JP and Clare walk out to the car and all the girls and Molly come running out to see JP blindfold Clare, knock her over the head, shove her in the car and peel out.
No, not really, but she does have to ride shotgun -- BLINDFOLDED -- through the hills of L.A.
After vomiting all over the window, she tells JP that she's kind of nervous. Huh. Ya think? The blindfold might have something to do with it.

JP tells us (again) that "he has planned a spectacular date," and they arrive and ohmygodijustpeedalittle it is a FREAKIN' WINTER JUANDERLAND.
Close your eyes. No, really. Close your eyes. Let me describe it for you:
A field of soft, white snow.
Dozens of thick, green pine trees with branches dusted perfectly white.
Strings of white globe lights surrounding the field, illuminating the snow and trees magically.
A hill -- not too high, not too low -- with two sledding tracks cut into it and two sleds just waiting for fun.
An ice rink glinting in the glow of the lights.
All in the middle of Los Angeles (or very possibly on a soundstage at Warner Bros.).

Clare? Find out which ABC producer planned this date AND GIVE HIM DADDY'S DVD.
NOW.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…
Here's three lovely bachelorettes sitting in a hot tub, wondering what Clare and JP are doing on their date.
Here's Lucy THE FREE SPIRIT also standing in the hot tub, topless, wondering what Clare and JP are doing on their date.
*insert sound of screeching brakes*
TOP. LESS.
Big old black censor rectangle covering her ta-tas.
Standing (to clarify: not sitting).
Here's one ABC cameraman thanking the good lord for his job.
Here's Husband cursing the big black censor rectangle.

I've got to hand it to the editor of this show.
The music they threw in that scene was fantastic.
If you have it taped and forget what it sounded like, go back and watch it again.
I'll wait.

Back in Juanderland…
Clare and JP are having a snowball fight and playing hide & seek amongst the pine trees and then they're magically wearing skates that fit just right and JP is trying to help Clare stand up on the ice and it's exactly like Bambi learning to ice skate and IS TOTALLY ADORABLE.

You guys, not since the private carnival that Brad Womack took Ashley to (who later became The Bachelorette and is now married to the other JP -- stay with me, people) has there been such an unreal and unbelievable first date.

Who else remembers the awesomeness of this?
Being that I did just spend seven minutes taking screenshots of it and creating this collage,
I obviously do. 

Clare tells us that she hasn't felt this alive in a long time!
JP can see her in his life with Camila already!
Suddenly, Clare is skating backward and doing crossovers on her turns.
In other news, Clare is a faker.
JP doesn't care because HOT TUB!
This cameraman drew the short straw because Clare keeps her top on.
Immediately JP positions himself in front of her and as she rubs his back she discloses that "my dad was one of the greatest, greatest men…the perfect mixture of gentleman and strong and compassionate and loving and it's hard to find that in a relationship and unless someone is going to be a positive in my life I will wait forever."
JP heard "my dad was…." and then felt Clare's boobs on his back and stopped listening.

JP: "I like Clare. I want her to feel like she's safe and that she can open up more."
Swear to god, you guys. I couldn't make this stuff up.
Well, I can (and do very often) but that? Words from his mouth.

So they kiss -- a lot -- in the steamy hot tub in the winter juanderland and (surprise surprise) Clare gets the rose and what's this? Music? Can it be? Is it a Disney managed songster who has come to serenade promote his latest single?

Clare and JP throw a coat on over their wet suits and run over the snowy field to see Meatloaf strumming his guitar. Or Josh Krajcik (who?) but he kind of looks like Meatloaf. Google him my young friends.
Now they're dancing and swaying and touching swimsuited covered parts of bodies and then.
THEN.
IT STARTS SNOWING.
Gently falling snowflakes surround them as they continue to kiss and smash barely clothed bodies and JP's hand is on her butt (thank you 12yo for pointing that out and would you look at that, it's time for you to go to bed) and GAME OVER.
Everyone else in that mansion should pack up their extensions and statement necklaces and just GO HOME.

All this and she still didn't tell him she's part Mexcian.

{Oh, and by the way, the juanderland provided by MagicSnow, not JuanPablo.}


One-on-One Date: "Feel the Electricity"
Kat gets the second date (thank you, Molly dog, for delivering the date card) and I don't like her.
She has an annoying habit of twitching her head and smiling too big when she talks, so obviously.
JP comes to pick her up in his semi-fancy sportscar and runs over Molly in the driveway.

Private Jet.
Kat in Barbie shorts and chambray shirt tied in a knot over her belly button.
Not for long.
JP disappears into the cockpit (?) and reappears in an Adidas track suit with a flashing rainbow heart on the jacket.
Gives Kat some neon Barbie clothes that Katy Perry recently rejected.
Arrive in Salt Lake City for the "Electric Run", which is really just about 2,000 crazy people in roller rink attire jogging and jumping around an arena that is lit up with crazy colorful lights.
Kat and JP run up a rainbow lit sidewalk and join the cheering and out of their minds with excitement crowd!

They lose their minds in the frenzy and fun!
My migraine that I thought I got rid of on Sunday returns!
JP is crazed and seems to be in his element. That boy has had some good times in his past, you can tell.

They lead the run and end up on stage jumping and dancing and sweating and Kat seems to think (script alert! script alert!) there's "a lot of electricity in the air" and that "there's a lot of electricity between me and JP" although other than lick the sweat off her face and give her a rose I don't see it.

Fun, crazy event but a stupid, lame date. Although if anyone can get me a pair of those light up glasses I'll love you forever.

Group Date: "Say Cheese"
Kelly assumes the date is a photo shoot but it could be about eating cheese which she's okay with because she's good at either one.
Let's give Kelly a break, you guys.
Remember, her occupation is "Dog Lover."
Lucy THE FREE SPIRIT wonders how she's going to get JP's attention with so many other girls but then lifts her shirt and shows her ta-tas to the camera and says, "I'll just go like this! HAHA JUST KIDDING!"
*cue big black censor rectangle and ABC censors/editors working overtime*
Cameraman texts boss and tells him he'll go ahead and stick with Lucy for the rest of the show.

Girls arrive via limo at warehouse where JP is waiting in a bright blue tee (A).
Unclear if Molly is in the limo.
JP bangs authoritvely on garage door which opens to reveal the empty warehouse set up for a photo shoot!
Kelly hides crackers she brought with her just in case.
A man who obviously thinks he's an individual (cough*douche*cough) because he has a dyed blue statement beard tells them they're going to be photographed with dogs for an animal adoption campaign.
Kelly silently cursing the intern who wouldn't let her bring Molly on the date.

And then, because apparently ABC thought we'd all like to throw up our mini m&m's and Skinnypop in our mouths, they show us shots of the dogs pooping.
Multiple times.

The girls have to pick a dog and have hair and makeup people dress them to fit the "scene" they'll be in. This date sucks.
And stinks.

Kelly gets to wear a condom on her head and is spray painted brown with white spots.
Silly Chelsie is wearing a gigantic afro to match her dog's fluffy hair.
Victoria has to save JP's life and straddle him and give him the Heimlich maneuver (<< remember that).
Lucy THE FREE SPIRIT has to get unnaturally covered up in a giant fire hydrant costume.
Elise and Andi get to wear…nothing but an 8x10 cardboard sign.
Nada.
No clothes.
At all.
Cardboard sign.
8x10.
Elise isn't happy.
She's a first grade teacher and a role model and this isn't cool (but being on A DATING REALITY SHOW is apparently ok).
Andi isn't happy.
She's a gang prosecutor and this isn't in her comfort zone.
Which is drug trafficking and men who will shank you for a quarter, obviously.
Andi pouts and paces and sighs.
Elise sees Lucy THE FREE SPIRIT walk by in her giant hydrant costume.
Light bulb!
Elise and Lucy switch costumes, which Lucy decides to show off for the motorists on the street outside the warehouse, minus the 8x10 cardboard sign -- i.e., SHE'S NOT WEARING ANYTHING AT ALL.
WALKING A DOG ALONG THE STREET.
Cameraman forgives ABC for making him shoot dog shit earlier in the day and begs for contract renewal.

Andi still pouty.
JP comes to talk her down from the ledge.
Andi tells JP she's not that girl. She's the girl "who brought a one piece with her." (<< love her for that)
JP tells her not to worry, to trust him (here we go) and that he'll be with her.
Andi: "You'll be with me? In the shoot?"
JP: "Jes. I will be with you. In the shoot. Naked."
Andi, arms up, running around warehouse, "GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!"

Photo shoot commences with shots of JP and nameless girl wearing head cones, with another girl I do not ever remember seeing eating spaghetti noodles like Lady and the Tramp, walking the red carpet with mama Renee dressed like movie stars, and oh, yeah, SITTING BUTT NAKED WITH LUCY AND ANDI AND DOGS IN THEIR LAPS and black censor boxes creatively placed to hide all the kibbles and bits.

Ay yi yi.

Later that night, at a rooftop pool/cocktail party, Cassandra tells JP she has a son and Victoria has too much to drink and goes crazy.

The end.

No, not really, but this is getting waaay too long (as usual) so we're going to play my favorite Bachelor recap game, "Three Words," to get through it.

Cassandra has son.
She misses him.
Juan Pablo understands.
Renee wants kiss.
Gets hug instead.
Renee not Clare.
Victoria is drunk.
Like REALLY drunk.
Says she's "fun".
"Loves straddling people".
"Will straddle JP".

*Time out for this quote from drunk Victoria, which is more than three words but had to be recapped in its entirety. You'll see why.

"Kwhan Pahbo isn mie bryfrnnnnnd. Today eye fave him the Hymen mnnnewver. Uf yew do the Hymen mnnewver an sommbdy's like laying dwn ew hv to stradddddle thmm."

Discuss amongst yourselves.
She possibly has a point.
A terribly inappropriate, gross and awkward point, but still.

*Time in.

Drunk girl twerking.
In the pool.
All by herself.
Runs around rooftop.
Spies on Nikki.
Loses her mind.
Locked in bathroom.
Sobbing and crying.
Renne offers help.
Drunk girl refuses.
Tries to leave.
Producer says no.
Must have shoes.
Drunk girl mad.
Back to bathroom.
Falls to floor.
Shouts and cries,
"EFF JUAN PABLO!"
Cameraman on floor.
Shooting under door.
Wishes it was Lucy. (okay, 4 words but I couldn't make that one fit)

Meanwhile, out on the patio, Lucy THE FREE SPIRIT (surprisingly covered up with a robe) tells JP that Victoria "isn't doing well."
Huh. You don't say.
JP tries to talk to her but after about 30 seconds is like, "gotta go!", thanks the other ladies, throws a rose at Kelly for "being a good sport" (what with having to wear the condom on her head and all) and is out of there faster than you can say "clean up in the corner stall."

The next day…
Girls sitting on oversized and overstuffed couches wondering what happened to Victoria.
Wait.
WHAT HAPPENED TO VICTORIA?? You mean, they all left her there??
Apparently ABC, not wanting to have to pay a cleaner to come mop up vomit on the Spanish tiled stairs of the mansion, put her up in a hotel.
JP makes a trip to visit and see that she hasn't died of alcohol poisoning.
Victoria opens the door looking mighty chipper for a girl who drank a pool full of tequila, and surprisingly there are no vomit flecks in her hair.
She apologizes profusely. Says she's "moritfied" but "Welcome to Brazil!"
JP sits and politely listens and then tells her that he's 32, he has a little girl, and THEY CAN'T HAVE THAT KIND OF BAT SHIT CRAZY IN THEIR LIVES.
Sexy and smart.
See ya, Vicky.

And HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE, ABC.
Is this why we were denied Harrison at the beginning? For a drunk girl with behavior we've seen every January - March for the past 12 years (and before that at every sorority party we've ever been to)?? SO not cool.

Cocktail Party
Unexciting and pretty uneventful.
A cute girl in a darling green dress pretends to interview JP and seals her fate as wacko and annoying.
Sharleen the suspected mole looks lovely in a drapy dress and apologizes to JP for her lack of excitement when he gave her the first impression rose.
Lucy THE FREE SPIRIT is wearing a top knot that looks exactly like the one my 12 yo is wearing since she got out of the shower.
Cassandra (the other mother) freaks out because she misses her little boy and does the whole, "I'm not sure if I should be here" thing that was old like 9 seasons ago. Renee takes her upstairs to the bathroom to talk her off the ledge. Renee seems to be taking her "mother" role a little too seriously, which will backfire, mark my words.
JP comes in and is actually so sweet and adorable and says lovely things in a soft voice which accentuates his accent and convinces her to stay.
He's smooth, ladies. Smoooooth.

Rose Ceremony
Roses to everyone except the wacko interviewer in the cute dress and the one African American girl in the house, who looked fantastic and classy and so obviously got the boot. As did Harrison.

Leaderboard - Week 2
Clare
Nurse Nikki

…and I'm going out on a limb here, but I pick one of those two to be the next Bachelorette.
Write it down.

**For Juan Pablo's version of the above story, read his blog on People.com**

Next week it looks like the gang gets to leave the mansion, and that Cassandra (the other mother) gets to know JP's mouth very, very well.

Thanks for all the supportive comments and feedback for these recaps! 
Glad you enjoy them, but please -- NO SPOILERS!!
I will go all West Virginia Hood Rat on you if you do. 

And if you like these recaps, I'd be ever so grateful if you'd 

share the link on your Facebook pages...

or just tell like your entire office or playgroup or book club or twitterverse. 

 One day you might help me reach my lifelong goal of meeting Chris Harrison. 

(Which is actually second to my first lifelong goal of meeting Baio, obviously.)

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