SPOILER ALERT - I'm pissed.

You guys, *SPOILER ALERT*, I'm pissed.

And no, I'm not getting a little ahead of myself with the "Spoiler Alert" because I'm about to talk about The Emmys and the series finale of Dexter which I was super excited for, and simply by saying 'I'm pissed' might give something big away. 

Like how sucky they both were.

If you haven't watched either yet (and you even care) take the 'Spoiler Alert' warning at its face value, because coming up I'm gonna actually tell you how Dexter ends. So if you are a fan of the show or you (again) do not care, now would be a good time to check Facebook or watch some cat videos on YouTube or (best idea) go up to that 'favorites' tab up top. Not only are there a lot of links to some mildly interesting posts, there's a list of recaps of awards shows that are actually worth reading because they were awards shows that were mildly watchable, unlike last night's Emmys . 

Sidenote: If none of that made much sense I have a good excuse. Actually, I have four.

1.) It's midnight.

2.) I had a board meeting that ran late and didn't get to even start my taped Emmys until almost 9:00 which means I missed all the Red Carpet coverage, which I'm now thinking might have been the more interesting show. 

3.) I stupidly kept watching The Emmys until after 10:30 and then started the series finale of Dexter which was so beyond ridiculous that my mind is still reeling.

4.) I've only had one glass of wine. And yes, I am more coherent after two, but it's midnight and I'm not that much of a wino. 

Shut up. 

But anyway, back to SPOILER ALERT. Because, yeah....SPOILERS AHEAD. 

Let's start with the Emmys.

I know a lot 12 of you might have come here today expecting an Emmy fashion wrap up. 

But if you'll refer to reason #2 (and then #1) above, I DID NOT GET TO SEE ANY RED CARPET COVERAGE. Seriously, the most I saw of the fashion this year was the four actresses I saw on stage in between my fast-forwarding. Here's my take on what I saw:

Tina Fey looked unbelievably gorge. Like crazy fantastically gorge. Girlfriend cleans up well. 

Jane Lynch had on floods and an ugly ass necklace and harsh makeup. 

Julia Louis Dreyfus forgot to comb her hair. And possibly wash it. But she's cute anyway so I forgive her. 

Sofia Vergara's boobs are ginormous. But I think she probably looked pretty. I really don't know because I couldn't stop looking at her boobs along with everyone else in the world. 

I'm sorry, you guys. 

I feel like I've let a lot all 12 of you down. 

But you know what? 

I'm just as let down as you are. 

Because you know how I love awards shows (and if not, I'll direct you - once again - to the 'favorites' tab up top) and you know how I love my NPH. 

You know how I wish he was my gay BFF (and I only specify 'gay' because I already have a straight BFF and because, yeah, I really want a gay BFF). 

Look. He wishes it, too. 

 You know how I love him on HIMYM.

You know how I loooove him as the Tony's Host. 

But last night he was kind of sucky. 

That pains me to say, what with him being my gay BFF and all, but since we're so tight, I feel I can (and should) be honest with him. 

It's totally not his fault. I actually kind of feel sorry for him. I think after his unbelievably fabulous Tony's openers he's got a lot to live up to and a lot expected of him. But whoever wrote the opener for last night's Emmys as well as the "middle of the show" song should be locked in a room without mirrors with a couple of Kardashians for a week. Sorry, that's the worst punishment I can think of at midnight (12:12 actually). 

And it didn't get better. Or at least I don't think it did. I finally stopped fast-forwarding after the awkward memorials in which a select few dead actors were remembered and a whole bunch of others were not and after Elton John read a whole thing about Liberace (really??) off a teleprompter. 

Everyone's so critical of awards shows these days. 

I'm not sure what they expect. I mean, they're awards shows. They're not variety shows, and that's just what everyone expects them to be. And last night, at 10 p.m. with only a Jimmy John's Turkey Tom that was easy on the turkey and heavy on the mayo (gross) eaten in a rush to get home and no wine, I have to admit that I did too.

Moving on.

I never watched The Sopranos but I now know just how everyone felt after the deplorable finale. 

Raise your hand if you think this entire season of Dexter has been laughable. 

Like full of holes ridiculous. 

I'm not kidding, I don't think there's been one episode where Husband and I haven't paused it like five times marveling at how absolutely ludicrous it has become. 

And now Dexter's dead.

Just kidding. 

I just wanted to see how many of you ignored the SPOILER ALERT.

Dexter's not dead, but Deb is.

And while that sucks, it was so stupid how she died that I didn't even cry.
So for those of you who watched, here's my bullets (sorry, Deb) from last night's grand finale:

• Deb's death was lame.  If she was gonna die, have her go out in a kick-ass way like the kick-ass chick she was, not due to some lame blood clot that left her brain dead.
• I know there was a lot of confusion over evacuating the hospital, but really? No one saw a random man CARRYING A DEAD BODY covered in a sheet down a gangplank to a boat?
And speaking of no one seeing things...
• Hannah, apparently a WANTED WOMAN, never seemed to be worried about people recognizing her, ESPECIALLY IN AN AIRPORT FULL OF FEDERAL AGENTS. How 'bout a hat, honey? Some dark glasses? Maybe a wig?
• When do you think Joey and Battista will wonder what became of poor Deb? Because the day after the hurricane they sure didn't seem to be concerned.
• When the Jimmy Neutron dude's horse tranquilizer wears off (which luckily NO ONE IN THE BUS SAW  Hannah give him) he's gonna know she's not only in Argentina, but she's got poor little clueless, parentless Harrison with her. You know what that means?

He's comin' for ya, Hannah. 

• And speaking of Harrison, when will Aster and Cody and his own grandparents realize he's missing? For that matter, when will poor lifelong babysitter Jamie realize he's missing?
• I know he's gotten himself out of some sticky situations, but really, how in the hell did Dexter swim to shore IN A CATEGORY 3 HURRICANE?

Here's how the series should have ended (thank you, Husband, for this perfect scenario. I'm sending your resume into Showtime later).

Dexter gets killed horrifically in a shipping container by Oliver Saxxon.
Deb gets there too late, but when she arrives she finds Harrison sitting in a pool of Dexter's blood, crying.
Deb picks up Harrison and slowly walks away.....

FULL CIRCLE. Bam.

Or, Dexter becomes a reclusive bearded woodsman in Oregon and lives a life of self-imposed solitude.

Yeah, that's better I guess.
The writers say they'd been planning the series to end like this for years.
If they mean they've been planning for it to be disappointing and ridiculous, then bravo to them.

Here's a >>LINK<< to a pretty funny recap of the finale (and bonus! it's all screengrabs and captions). Looks like I'm not the only one who thought it was ludicrous.


What did you think of The Emmys this year? And if you're a Dexter fan (or a former one, like me), were you satisfied at the ending? 

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