No costume? No candy.

I love trick-or-treaters.

I love staying home and passing out the candy and oohing and ahhing at all the creative costumes while Husband is out trailing the pre-teen and drinking beers with his buddy and every other dad in the neighborhood.

My favorite are the tiny little ones who don't know what the hell they're doing (pretty much just out collecting a boat load of candy for their parents) but who are dressed as tiny princesses or little kitties or miniature superheroes.  Of course, living in Minnesota, what I usually see is a kid in a snow parka with a bit of pink tulle peeking out from the bottom and a tiara pinned to the top of her snow hat, but it's still adorable.

What is much, much less adorable to me?  The teenagers who run - and I mean run - from house to house dressed in their street clothes but try to tell me they're 'football players' or 'hunters' when I ask them (with obvious disgust) what they are supposed to be.  Puh-LEEZE - wearing a Vikings jersey or a neon orange beanie does NOT a costume make.

And besides the lack of any sort of originality (wanna be a 'hunter'? Throw on a camo jacket and carry a decoy and a fake - fake - gun.  'Football player'? 2 swipes of your mama's black eyeliner under your vacant teenage eyes will give you a lot more credibility, genuis) they stand there, totally mute and holding out their king-sized pillow cases, when I open the door.  So I stand there, totally mute, holding my king-sized bowl of candy, and stare them down.  And wait.  And wait.  Seriously, I'm not reaching into that bowl until they mumble trick-or-treat.  Too cool to say it, are we? Then stay at home.
And when they finally spit it out, I'll slowly reach into my brimming bowl of candy and give them one piece.  One.

Actually, I think this year I'll have a special bowl for the sullen and costume-less filled with tiny boxes of raisins.  Or carrot sticks.

I always get a couple of gangs who show up twice.  When I say, Hey, you guys have been here before they sputter and look confused (not a difficult task).  I lie about not having enough candy for repeats and send them on their way. And then I pray I don't get TP'd.

And listen, I'm all for trick-or-treating as long as you like,  but for cripe's sake - dress up.  And be respectful.

In all fairness to the teenage population in my neighborhood, I should point out that for every sullen and stone-faced and rude and unimaginative group of 'hockey players' I get, there's a group of teens dressed fantastically.   It makes me so happy to open the door and see a group of girls who've put some thought into it.  And I'm not being sexist.  It's an absolute truth that it's mostly the female trick-or-treaters who are more polite and dressed in creative and awesome costumes. Oh, there's a few boys who still dress in costumes to go trick-or-treating at age 16, sure.  They're usually with the girls.  And they're the ones I tell my daughters to date one day.  Seriously.

Last year I thoroughly embarrassed Thing 1 who was home doing homework and passing out candy (sucks to be a studious teen) because every time I saw a group of teens who were dressed up in great costumes (hell, any costumes), I'd gasp and clap and say ooohhh! I looove it!! Bravo!!  
She'd close the door and say, Thanks a lot, weirdo.  Those kids go to my school.

Tonight I promise I'll keep my mouth shut.

Until a 15 year old boy shows up in a snow coat and tells me he's a snow plow driver.
Then I cannot promise anything.