THE BACHELOR Recap #6 - I Juant You Back

Alrighty, who's ready to feel like crap about yourself?
Anyone? Clare??

Oh, wait. That was last week.
Silly me.
So let's get right to it.
No time for the usual pre-recap chit chat, my friends. Mama's been burning the midnight oil for the past five days at Thing 1's performances downtown and after last week's episode isn't really too thrilled to be doing it again tonight with the shit-for-balls Bachelor, but I WILL NOT LET MY PEOPLE DOWN. For you I will drink wine and eat candy and spend two hours watching and another three hours writing. All for nothing but your gratitude. Although, I wouldn't say no to a tweet or a share or a 'like'….or a FTD bouquet on Friday. *wink*

*RECAPPER'S NOTE*
The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.
Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I'm too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences, which would make it even longer.
And once again, you are welcome. 

Episode six begins with the usual breathtaking shots of the locale of the week.
This week brings our spit-swapping group to New Zealand, and as we're shown an impressive montage of snowcapped mountains, frolicking dolphins, lime green fields dotted with fluffy white sheep, waterfalls crashing down vertical cliffs and stampeding wild horses, I pause to add it to my Pinterest board called "Places I Want To Go Because Of The Bachelor." 

Juan Pablo arrives by sea plane as we hear him exclaim that "New Zealand is the perfect place to fall in love" -- which is now my new drinking game.
The girls check into their digs at the Huka Lodge for the week and in voice over we hear Chelsie say that "being in New Zealand getting to date this wonderful man is great" and Kat "wants to kick it up a notch with Juan Pablo" and "get out and explore New Zealand with him."
Seriously. By now can't they think of something more original…and truthful? Just once I'd love to hear a faceless voice say, "I'm so f*cking exhausted of these transatlantic flights and the 20 hour days of drinking and having to curl my extensions CONSTANTLY and the stress of the effing date cards and the not seeing of Harrison!! This bed looks like a great place to sleep for 13 or 33 hours. Screw the Bachelor!! Not really…but really."

Continuing the tour of their suite, we get a glimpse of their deck at Huka Lodge and I pee my pants a little.

Time out.

For you to understand the visceral reaction this gives me you should know that mountainous streams hold the #1 spot of my favorite geographical type of locations. What. Doesn't everybody have such a list? My top 5:

1. Mountainous streams

2. Mountainous lakes

3. Mountainous beaches

4. Mountainous mountains

5. Lakes (sans mountains)

Maybe mountainous streams are my #1 because of this fun fact: My husband proposed to me on a rock in the middle of one. 

1992 -- the era of the oversized sweatshirts. And the turtleneck.
And stop being jealous of my Elaine Benes hair.

Huka Lodge? You just earned yourself a spot on that Pinterest board. 

Time in.

Andi scores the first one on one date, finally.
Clare is prickly and disappointed because she thinks getting the first date card would've been "CRUCIAL" to settling the bad blood between she and Juan Pablo.
You know, that whole "let's-go-for-a-swim-in-the-ocean-I-mean-let-me-do*-you-in-the-ocean-and-now-let-me-make-you-feel-like-shit-about-it-and-bring-my-four-year-old-daughter-into-it" thingy and now she just doesn't know what's going to happen.

*For the record, both Clare and Juan Pablo have vehemently denied that they did anything more than kiss in the ocean in various web publications this past week. 
Off the record: They're liars. 

Cassandra is jealous.
Remember Cassandra? Former NBA dancer with a toddler whose baby daddy is very most likely a Detroit Piston? Wore 90's florally jeans on their date? No? Don't worry. Doesn't matter.
But House Mother Renee counsels her by the fire and they cry and hug and miss their kids that they left over a month ago and are now a bazillion miles away from because they are trying to woo a man THEY DO NOT EVEN KNOW and (fingers crossed!!) if all goes as planned will reappear in about three weeks with a new daddy!!

Commercial Break.
Ooh! The Oscars are on in three weeks! Make note to start working on this year's bingo cards. Refill wine glass. Give cat shot of insulin. So far, these three things have been the highlight of my night. There better be a warm ocean in the next segment.

Andi - "Let's HEAT Things Up"
Andi is hoping to finally have an emotional breakthrough with Juan.
For some reason, six weeks in all the girls have dropped the "Pablo" in his name when talking about him. Thank god, that's less words for me to have to type and you to have to read. Win-win.
She arrives wearing white jeans tucked into cute boots, a plaid button down and new ombre hair.
I do not notice what Juan is wearing because I'm so distracted by wondering who/where/when she got the bottom third of her hair lightened between Vietnam and New Zealand.
Regardless, the two hop into a jetboat and zoom down a beautiful river.
They're visibly cold.
Andi tells us that "Juan" (i.e., ABC producer/intern) has planned an adventure and she'll "have to trust him."
Oh for the love of Harrison. This whole "trust" thing with these two is getting tiresome.
The boat stops and the driver tells them they're going swimming.
Juan is out of his mind with glee. It's kind of creepy and makes me judge him. Sorry, being honest.
They strip down to their water socks and swimsuits and Andi makes good on her admission from Episode 2 when she told him that "I'm the girl who brought a one piece." I said it then and I'll say it again, I love that about her (and btw, it's no Land's End one piece, let me tell you).

They hop in and immediately start walking through chest deep water through cracks and crevices in the cliffs and HOLY. HELL. all I'm imagining are giant New Zealand snakes hanging off the branches or Venezuelan &/or Gang Prosecutoring eating fish swarming around them.

It gets tighter the further they go.

Thank goodness he didn't take the one with the really big boobs is all I'm thinking.
Seriously, she'd still be wedged in there.
Andi is scared and cold and you know where she's wishing they were --

-- but then they emerge from the 6" wide cracks into a pool with a waterfall that Juan pulls her under and holds her captive while the water falls from 50' above and pummels their heads.
Ah. Romance. 

Later that evening they have dinner on the surface of the moon.

Actually, it's a geyser (and ugly as hell) but as they're both shivering uncontrollably they tell us how beautiful it is.
Then one erupts and showers them with freezing cold rain and they have to ditch their lamb dinner they weren't eating anyway and run away. Man, some ABC intern is getting his ass handed to him right about now for planning that one.
They end up wet and shivering on a bridge and talk about things they want in life and whaddya know --  they both want to be loved but Andi plays a royal flush and adds that she "can't wait to have a family." 
With that, Juan unzips his jacket.
I cover the 12 yo's eyes.
Oh, thank god. It's just a rose.
Despite the frostbite, Andi's happy.
Juan eats it up.
Literally.

Group Date - everyone but Clare, who is back at the hotel sticking pins into her Juan Pablo voodoo doll in preparation for her date tomorrow -
The six girls arrive by Range Rover and meet Juan Pablo on an apple green hill full of about 2,000 sheep. And cows.
We learn it is Cassandra's 22nd birthday…from Cassandra…no less than four times. 
Time out.
She's just turning 22? Twenty two?? And felt the need to apply for The Bachelor way back when she was the washed up age of 21? Geezus. When she was born I was 22. Huh. That makes me feel really, really old. Better refill the wine glass. 

The group settles in for a picnic which looks cold and windy and Chelsie grabs Juan and teaches him to make farting whistles on a blade of grass. She probably learned it in Ohio, which she tells him New Zealand "looks kind of like, except we don't have hills."

Yeah, just what I was thinking. 

Next Juan has a surprise!

They get to ride down the hill in OGO balls!!

In various groupings, the gang goes rolling down the hill inside the giant inflatable golf balls surrounded by about five gallons of water. I have to say, it looks like crazy fun.

Adding item to Bucket List: Go OGOing.

When Nurse Nikki hops into the ball with Juan Pablo and they begin their hurtling descent down the hill, he immediately grabs her and shoves his tongue down her throat. Because that's obviously a good time for a make out sesh.
He's a whore. 

Later that night -- ABC has arranged dinner at Hobbiton, the place they filmed a lot of Lord of The Rings and The Hobbit.

It's adorable.

My 12 yo is geeking out.

So is Sharleen.

After sitting on tiny chairs and drinking their Pinot out of clay mugs, Juan Pablo stands…bends so as not to hit his head on the ceiling…and takes mama Renee out for a walk amidst the gigantic pumpkins and miniature cottages to sit on a bench.

He covers her with an orange patchwork blanket which was probably made by trolls.

JP: "You're one of my special ones, you know that."

Ew. What does that mean? Nevermind. I don't really want to know.

Renee discloses that she and Cassandra (why the hell are you bringing up another woman, woman??) had "quite the mommy moment" about missing their kids and how they appreciate him not seeing them as "having baggage."

He tells her, again, how she and Cassandra are his "special ones" and then shoves his giant tongue into her mouth to shut her up. 

As they walk back to the cottage, Renee tells us that she hasn't felt like this in a long time.

She wants to kiss him for the rest of her life.

Instead, they pause to take a selfie and Juan exchanges her for Nurse Nikki.

Back to the bench.

Someone has refolded the orange patchwork blanket.

Someone gets paid to do shit like that.

Sweet Jesus I'm in the wrong line of work.

Nikki tells us she's going to "step outside her comfort zone" and a lot of rhetoric about being scared and taking risks and having no regrets.

JP silences her with Renee's tongue.

No, wait.
With his tongue.
No, hold on.

Even though Nikki had it in her mouth already today (in the OGO ball) I think it's now considered Renee's because her spit is the last one on it. Isn't that the rule? Last spit on claims it? 

I'm getting confused.

I need help.

Let's see if I can keep this straight.

Andi was the first spit under the waterfall and on the moon.

And then he gave it to Nikki in the OGO.

And then it got passed on to Renee.

And now it's making its way back to Nikki. I totally bet it tastes different.

Moving on.
Sharleen's the next one to get under the patchwork quilt.
S: "Hiii!!"
JP: "Haave you met Nikki?"

Sharleen pulls away from the tongue long enough to ask him, "How am I feeling right now?"
JP: "Weeelll, after last week's regretful romp in the ocean I promised myself I wasn't going to take it that far, but sure, just let me get my hands under this quilt...oooohhh! You mean emotionally!"
Sharleen: "I mean, this process is just so inorganic for me and I'm trying to process where everyone's at right now..."
JP, grabbing her face with both hands and holding her still while hexing her with his gaze: "Do not question yourself. Live this. Enjoy this. Make the best of this and do not question yourself...or Whaan Pahblo."
And then jams everyone else's tongue down her mouth.
And let me get this straight; the boy has a hard time comprehending words like "bolt" and "frazzled", but "inorganic" doesn't make him bat an eye??

Inside the hobbit house the girls are celebrating Cassandra's birthday. Did you know it was her birthday? While enjoying the festivities, she really just wants to "open up to Juan Pablo in ways I haven't opened up to him before."
Wait. Is there a warm ocean nearby?
They go to the bench and cover up with the orange patchwork quilt.
That blanket has seen a lot of action tonight.
I wouldn't advise going over it with an ultraviolet light in the near future.

Cassandra tells him some important-to-her stuff and he plays with her hair but doesn't kiss her. Even though it's her birthday. Must be that whole "wanting to keep it clean for the kid" thing rearing its ugly head.

The girls are wondering who will get the rose.
Renee wants Cassandra to get it. WTF? I've said it before like a trillion times, that girl really does not know how to play this game.
Juan Pablo's voice over: "I think I'm going to have a happy ending here."
Check the blanket, dude, there's a good chance you already have.

Sharleen gets the coveted rose.
Birthday girl gets another walk with Juan Pablo.
You just know she's thinking he has a "special" present for her.
As they walk out of the cottage the other girls all start to tear up and give each other glances that clearly communicate they know. They know that cow is off to slaughter.
In a rainstorm, Juan Pablo sits Cassandra down and tells her that although she's one of his "special ones" he needs to be honest with her.
She's gorgeous. She's funny. She's NICE. (<<< NOOOO! STORY OF MY LIFE!!)
He doesn't want to take even two more days away from her son so Happy Birthday, cupcake. I got you this plane ticket…and these feelings of inadequacy.
Real "special."
I have to give JP props, though. Fully respect what he did and despite the crap I give him, he did it in a very sincere and sweet way.
Shoves her in a limo (didn't even get to say goodbye. Harsh) and returns to the cottage sans Cassandra.
JP: "I'm sorry, girls. Her leg was lame. I had to do it."
The girls fight back tears and promise themselves to do squats in the morning.

One on One - Clare
Clare is nervous.
She's waiting for an apology for what happened in Vietnam.
They go for a picnic on a rocky beach and Juan Pablo begins by telling her that he's been "thinking a lot" and has been worried that since the last rose ceremony she's been "feeling sad."
Clare: "If by 'sad' you mean wanting to cut off your balls with a 7" Santoku, then yeah, you've got it."
He tells her it was his mistake.
Keep going. Keep going.
They talk about boundaries and seem to clear things up and I'm proud of her for making sure to get clarification from him, although I'm not sure I really feel he gave it to her.
But it doesn't matter what I think because Clare feels so much better about the situation that she happily accepts the spit of her housemates!

Juan Pablo tells her that he doesn't ever want her to cry because of him (sweet…and so wrong) and she promises or he promises and ALL IS FORGIVEN.
Clare: "Was that our first fight?"
Tells us in voice over that they talked it through and "he" apologized. Well, "he" and Andi…and Nikki…and Renee…and Sharleen.

Later that night, canoodling on a couch in A ROOM IN THE HILTON -
JP: "How's the heart? Is it melting?"
Love yourself much? Good lord.
Clare tells him how he handled the situation today meant a lot; that he "took it like a man" and "came back and made it right" and that it's "important to not give up on something you want."
Juan Pablo is eating it up.
Tells her he likes listening to her.
He seems surprised by this fact: that he can listen without his tongue.
They want to just chillax so he brings her some MC Hammer pants and they slow dance to the song the dude serenaded them with on their first date in Juanderland.
Clare says that her feelings of doubt "are just a page in their story" and "it's not about what you fight about but how you handle it."
True, unless you're fighting about entertaining prostitutes or the pros and cons of making meth in your kitchen.

I hate to admit it.
They're cute together.
I like this match.

Funny what a week and a good pair of Hammer pants can do, isn't it?

Cocktail Party/Rose Cememony (Home stretch, people. Home stretch) -

Harrison makes his first appearance (criminal!) and he and JP have a sit down to discuss…basically nothing of importance.
Juan Pablo tells him that "tonight it's gonna be hard…as usual."
You don't say.
Sorry. That one was all teed up for me.
The girls are quiet and weirded out by the small group and keep giving each other the stink eye.

Juan takes Nikki away.
She's wearing a red bandage dress cut up to her crotch and unfortunate black nylons.
She tells us she "has to make sure she's not going home tonight."
For some reason JP tells her he's wearing pink underwear and they flirt and then he examines her spleen with his tongue.

Renee is scared now that she's the only single mom special one left.
She can't let him doubt her!
Time to find an ocean, Renee.
Juan Pablo tells us that he could be the one "loving life with her."
Loves hearing her talk about her son.
Loves her eyes.
Loves her tongue.

Had to add a new color to make it clear. 

Kat and Chelsie can't decide who is going home between the two of them.

It's like they're trying to figure out a complicated equation.

There's talk of probability and statistics and wagering.

Not really (they're not that smart), but they both come out with guns blazing.

Chelsie tells him something I cannot recap here because I was so bored I was checking Facebook. 

Kat pulls out the absentee dad story and the hard life tears and the emotionally unstable card.

Sweetheart just dug her grave.

Roses to:
Clare (already earned)
Andi (ditto)
Nikki
Renee
Chelsie

When Juan Pablo slowly walks back to the house after seeing the now really emotionally unstable Kat to the exit limo, Sharleen tells us that she feels wrong being there. She "feels guilty somehow" and "can see other girls suiting him better."
YA THINK???????
JP tells them that next week they're going to Miami (ABC you cheap bastard) and they all cheers! but Sharleen looks like someone killed her cat.

And next week? Clare and Nikki -- BITCHOFF.
My money's on Nikki. Girlfriend looks scrappy underneath all that hair.

Leaderboard after Week 6 -
Clare
Nikki

Catch up on the past recaps right here!
#1 - I Juant You to Juant Me
#2 - Walkin' in a Winter Juanderland
#3 - I Juant to Kiss You All Over
#4 - Oh, I Juanna Dance With Somebody
#5 - I Juant Your Sex

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Thanks for all the supportive comments and feedback!
Glad you enjoy them, but please -- NO SPOILERS!!
I will totally go all Emily Maynard West Virginia Hood Rat 
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