THE BACHELOR Recap #5 - I Juant Your Sex (but then I juant to make you feel like sh*t)

Well, it's official.

Juanuary is over. 

I can't believe we're five shows in already. You know what that means, my friends? WE'RE HALFWAY HOME. 
{Insert simultaneous cheers and sobs} 
Doesn't it just seem like yesterday that Lucy THE FREE SPIRIT was putting her bare and cracked feet in Juan Pablo's lap and Amy was scaring the hell out of most of the male population?

And in the past five weeks a lot has happened.
Let's see, there was that time when….I mean how can we forget when….Oh! And then remember when that one girl said….huh.
Never mind.
Other than watching Molly the dog enjoy her morning constitutional, the past five weeks have been pretty uneventful.

But last night, Clare and Juan Pablo made damn certain to change that.

So fill up your mugs, take your iPad into the bathroom, switch your phone to voicemail -- do whatever it is you need to do -- because for the first time in five weeks, we've got some serious drama (and asshat-edness) to cover.

Let's go.

*RECAPPER'S NOTE*
The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.
Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I'm too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences, which would make it even longer.
And once again, you are welcome. 

This week finds our gang traveling to Vietnam, and much like last week the girls are verbalizing their geographical intelligence.
"South Korea had its beauty, but this is like nature…trees…the water…the sun…it's beautiful!"
And sounds totally different than just about everywhere else on the planet. Thank you, ladies.
They check into the Intercontinental in Hoi An, and okay, they're right. The nature…the trees…the water…it is beautiful.

House mama Renee scores the first one on one date (what? Another week we're denied Harrison presenting the card? Not cool, ABC) and Nurse Nikki and Gang Prosecutor Andi are pouty.
Renee jumps up and down.
Nurse Nikki and Gang Prosecutor Andi push her over the balcony.
Renee tells us that Juan Pablo "makes her hands hurt" and that "it's a really weird sensation that I haven't had in a long time."
Too bad Nurse Nikki is piercing your soul with her laser eyes right now, Renee. She could've looked at that for you.
Her hands magically cured, Renee curls her hair and gussies up for her date.
She leaves in a pale pink tank, blue cutoffs and flat hair.
Juan Pablo, dressed in a yellow tee and cockatiel coif, is waiting for her in the streets of Hoi An.

Do not even tell me there's no resemblance. I just spent like eight minutes making this. 

They spend the day roaming the streets of the hot city, literally dripping with sweat.
— Time out —
Is it just me or is anyone else noticing that this season the dates are THE WORST and MOST BORING DATES EVER? 
— Time in —
So they spend the day in a pedi-cab and taking selfies and creeping on little local children and buying souvenirs for their own (connection! ding ding ding!) and then Juan Pablo takes her to a dress shop where she gets to pick out fabric so a local woman can make her her very own tailor made dress!!
Gee-zus.
ABC must be in serious financial trouble.
I mean, seriously, what ever happened to private carnivals?

Yes, I know I've used this collage before this season. But the date was that good.
And it took me like 12 minutes to make.

So the local lady is measuring Renee's bust and Juan Pablo creeps around and looks right at her boobs and says, "Oooh! Thirty six! hahaha."
Hey, buddy. 36 is nothing to laugh at. Some people would kill to be a 36. 36 would probably fill out that bikini top that I bought in 2001 when I was breastfeeding but that's been in my drawer ever since.
Oh. Wait. I fear I've said too much.
Moving on.
Juan Pablo proves himself to be a gentleman (spoiler alert: he's not) and runs across the street to buy a fan to fan Renee's sweaty brow as she continues to get measured.
Newsflash: Renee wants to kiss Juan Pablo.
She cannot stop talking about it.
She's crazy with desire to feel his lips on hers.
They end up on a random wooden boat moored in the harbor drinking some beers in sweaty glasses and close talking and you just know she's thinking he's about to kiss her.
He doesn't.

Later that evening --
Renee arrives in the cute tailor made Vietnamese dress and flat hair (thanks a lot, humidity) and they go to a restaurant to have the typical private candlelit meal which we've seen a million times.
But Renee is giddy with excitement at the special-ness of it.
Has she never seen this show?
It's hot.
They're sweaty.
— Time out —
Here's a pic from JP's Facebook page showing us what really goes down behind the scenes:

Producers applying cold towels at dinner. Yeah, IT'S NOT REAL you guys.
Sorry to burst your bubble. 

— Time in —

At dinner they talk about her baby Daddy and she tells him that they were so young but now they're friends and it's EXACTLY WHAT HE'D TELL HER ABOUT CAMILA'S MAMA and he's totally and semi-creepily checking her out while she talks and to be honest it's kind of distracting. But he says that when she talks about her son there's "something about her" and "there could be something there."

They talk more about kids and how sometimes others see them as baggage and HELLO, SHARLEEN? IS THERE A SHARLEEN IN THE BUILDING? 

Juan Pablo loves her eyes. 

Juan Pablo loves her dress.

Juan Pablo thinks she's full of life and sees himself when he's with her.

Juan Pablo asks, "Will you accept this rose, Ray-nay?" and she does! she does! and he leans in and…KISSES HER CHEEK.

He kisses her cheek. 

She's giddy!

Again, I ask you. Has she never seen this show?

They never, ever do that. 

Give the rose. Give the tongue.

I think it's in the contract.

Renee: "If Juan Pablo doesn't give me a kiss tonight, it's okay." And then she scrunches up her nose in an adorably not OK face. 

I kind of love her.

I kind of hope she gets cut.

Because I kind of love her.

Keep reading. It will all make sense very soon.

They go and make some wishes on some candle boats or something like they do every season in some country or other and OF COURSE Renee wishes Juan Pablo will kiss her (now this is just getting sad) but of course he doesn't because "she has a son". 

Good grief. Is her son really going to be watching this? I think hope not. 

JP's sending some seriously mixed signals, you guys, and I don't like it.

Husband (in a perfect Juan Pablo voice): "Oh, no, no, I won't kiss you but I'll be happy to look at your leetle boobies!" 

Good lord I love him. Even though he said they were 'leetle'. 

Group Date (everyone but Nurse Nikki) - "Go With The Flow"
The girls are excited!
Except Gang Prosecutor Andi of, course.
She's still pissed and pouty about having to be on this damn group date.
They arrive in barbie shorts and tank tops and meet Juan Pablo on a riverbank where he shows them some bamboo bowls floating around. Grab a partner and climb in, ladies, you're going paddling!

Everyone has a partner but Clare.
Clare gets to be Juan Pablo's partner!
This makes the other girls mad.
The other girls who stood there silently looking at each other when Juan Pablo said, "Grab a partner!"
The other girls who need to GET THEIR FRIGGIN HEADS IN THE GAME.
This makes Kelly feel the need to tell us that Clare doesn't have any friends in the house and so of course no one wanted to be her partner.

Everyone is struggling to paddle their bowls.
They're tippy and seem to go around in circles and it looks hot. Really, really hot.
Me: "This looks like the worst date ever."
Husband: "What. You mean paddling a giant diaphram around a muddy river?"

Yeah.
Clare and Juan Pablo's boat gets caught up in some palm fronds and while she's trying to push them out of the way he basically leans over, catches her off guard and eats her face.
Because she doesn't have a son who will see this, obviously.

Hold on.
In case you can't see how off balance and off guard she is, let me show you a better one.

After Clare manages to avoid death by tipping out of her bowl as well as the other girls's reactions to that weird and vicious kiss

Sharleen watching the attack

they all take a walk down a dusty path by some cows and farms and guess what! They get to go farming!

Faceless girl: "This date is so exotic and romantic!"

Uh, no it isn't.

Andi is still pissed and pouty. 

She needs to talk to Juan Pablo and get this whole "why haven't I had a one on one date yet" thing off of her mind. 

Now.

She pulls him aside in a row of green onions and cops a squat where they have a serious discussion.

Or as serious of a discussion as you can have looking like this.

After enjoying a traditional Vietnamese meal at the farmer's home (I'm sadly not lying about that) they get spiffed up for an evening in the Intercontinental lobby and get colorful, fancy drinks that each have an entire Granny Smith apple sliced and skewered on top of them.

No sooner had they all sat down when:

Juan Pablo: "To an amazing group date! Cheers!!" {immediately pulls Clare up off the sofa by her hand} "Clare, I'm feeling rather horny and since you thankfully do not have a child why don't you come with me and we'll get this party started!"

Okay, he didn't say that last part but he did pull her up like as soon as they all sat down.

And you know that's what he was thinking.

The other girls flip their sweaty heads out.

Chelsie is the only one who speaks up: "Um. Maybe we're all just jealous of Clare?"

All the rest of the girls:

Juan Pablo takes Clare for a walk on the beach that leads straight to his SUITE.

HIS SUITE.

Where they change into their swimsuits and have a little swim.

Connected to each other.

I keep wondering how her swimsuit was already there but I suppose that's just a superfluous detail being that THERE'S LIKE EIGHT OTHER GIRLS SITTING IN THE LOBBY GETTING DRUNK ON VODKA SOAKED APPLE SLICES.

Juan Pablo cannot stop kissing her. 

She's eating it up.

Literally.

Suddenly we see Juan Pablo taking Sharleen for a walk on the beach.

Wait. Hold on.

What happened to Clare? 

Cut to a shot of Clare in a lounge chair next to his pool smoking a cigarette and looking satisfied (FORESHADOWING ALERT). 

Okay, I was kidding about that, but for some reason ABC doesn't show us the girls's reactions when they return after what must've been like an hour or more. And with WET HAIR.

I bet it looked something like this - 

So anyway, Juan Pablo and Sharleen are sitting on the beach close talking about something I wasn't paying attention to and before she can say "I want to be a panda in a room full of brown bears" (which she does) he's kissing her WITH THE TONGUE THAT WAS JUST IN CLARE'S MOUTH.

It's awkward and she loves it and mumbles something about not showing him all her cards and then joins Clare on the deck for a cigarette. 

Gang prosecutor Andi is the next lucky recipient of the communal tongue. 

But she still has doubts.

Juan Pablo tells her to "trust me."

Hold on. Isn't that how he got her to take off all her clothes in episode two?

I see a pattern developing here.

So Clare gets the rose (surprise) and the night is over.

For everyone but Juan Pablo and Clare.

Clare pulls a Courtney Robertson and escapes to JP's suite as we hear her say, "One thing on my bucket list that I've never done is swim in a warm ocean."

It's 4:00 in the morning.

She rings his bell (<< more FORESHADOWING).

Clare: "I wanted to see if you'd want to do one more 'first thing' in Vietnam with me."

Juan Pablo: "SI! SI! SI! The answer is YES!"

Clare: "I want to go for a swim in the ocean."

Juan Pablo: "Dammit. But I still think I can make this work."

They run into the water and she's straddling him as waves crash around them and they're kissing and then we get these cryptic yet not-very-cryptic-AT-ALL sound bites:

Juan Pablo: "Omigosh Clare…she's on fire. There's something there that I don't have with anyone else." "The waves were wild…and we got a little wild, too." "There's obviously this thing that we have that I don't have with anyone else in the house."

Huh. Each other's fluids, perhaps?

Clare: "He was holding on pretty tight and wouldn't let go" and "We just went for it" and "I don't regret it" and "It was pure bliss in every way" and OHMYGOD I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THE FLUIDS BUT IT'S TOTALLY TRUE.

Clare continues talking and telling us that it was "hands down the best night of my entire life" and that "we all deserve to feel that amazing" and then says something about being a baby giraffe but I stop listening because I'm trying to deflect WHAT JUST HAPPENED IN THE OCEAN from my 12 year old.

She thinks they just made out.

Until now.

No, I'm kidding. She doesn't read these recaps, just watches the show.

I've totally got this parenting thing nailed.

Nurse Nikki's one on one date - 

As Juan Pablo walks to meet Nikki, we hear him tell us that "Last night I had a great night with Clare and I'll be thinking about her a lot today but today I'll be thinking about Nikki." 

And imagining she's Clare.

So he takes Nikki for a swim in the warm ocean and…

Nah. Kidding.

They have to rappel into Hell instead. 

Not kidding.

They get all roped and helmeted up and have to drop into this dark abyss called 'Hell' that you can't even see the bottom of. 

Nurse Nikki is terrified.

Juan Pablo: "Are you fine?"

Nurse Nikki is not fine.

Nikki: "Should I call my mom and tell her I love her?"

Nurse Nikki is panicking and shaking uncontrollably and cannot, I mean CANNOT, move her legs. 

Juan Pablo is sweet and stays right behind her (so he can keep his hand on her ass) and talks her through her fear.

Juan Pablo: "Imagine you are at a private carnival with Brad Womack."

Halfway down they have to stop and dangle on their ropes to give Nurse Nikki a break to compose herself. Juan Pablo kisses her and with the strength of Clare…and Sharleen…and Andi (but not Renee) he gives her the courage to continue.

"TO HELL!"

Later that evening - 

Nurse Nikki is wearing a one-shouldered tank top that she must've thought was a dress and they're sitting on an couch with plates of uneaten food in front of them.

She's talking about nothing and Juan Pablo is rubbing her hair and staring at her hungrily.

It's creeping me out.

He tells her he's tired because "I didn't sleep much last night."

OH YOU DON'T SAY.

He asks about her job.

Nikki begins an impassioned speech about why she's a pediatric nurse and how she's compassionate and how the kids mean so much to her.

Juan Pablo:

She then interviews for the role of stepmom and tells him that before she came on the show she'd never thought about it but now it's like she know's it's "who he is" and she's totally cool with it and some other well-rehearsed stuff and then he gives her the rose instead of gobbling her up. But then gobbles her up.

Cocktail Party (Stick with me. Sh*t's about to get real) - 
Juan Pablo sets the tone right off the bat by telling them that three of them will be going home tonight.
They look shocked and like this is news to them and then all sit on the couches with their cocktails silently.
Clare breaks the awkwardness with a toast: "Cheers to finding love, being in love and making love!"
I wish I could tell you I made that up, but nope, that was all Clare.
Cryptic Clare.
Juan Pablo takes Andi outside and she kind of wants to talk but he won't stop kissing her.
He's starting to creep me out, you guys.
And he's kind of a douche.
Renee finally gets some alone time and (guess what) wants to kiss him but he tells us that (guess what) HE WILL NOT KISS HER BECAUSE SHE HAS A SON AND HE HAS A DAUGHTER.
So let me get this straight.
It's okay for him (WITH A DAUGHTER) to DO IT IN THE OCEAN but he won't give Renee a kiss?
He tells Renee that he doesn't want her son "to be pissed at him."
Okay, now he's just making shit up.
Renee: "No! No! He knows why I'm here! He wouldn't be pissed! I promise!"
Juan Pablo: "Well then, how about we take a little swim in the warm ocean?"
Sorry, I can't stop.
He didn't really say that.
But he did cut her off and eat her face.
Finally.
And Renee was so happy she danced and spun and shouted it from the rooftops.

Okay, are you guys ready to say "despedida" to the Juan Pablo you've loved for the past 10 months?
Because here goes.

Juan Pablo tells us that he feels like he "made a mistake" by going with Clare to the ocean.
He takes her and sits her down and tells her that it was "a little weird for me."
Clare: "Uh…like weird good or weird bad?"
She doesn't really say that but by the look on her face you know that's what she's thinking.

He tells her that he's just "too fair" and that "maybe it wasn't right" but "what happened happened."
Little. Shit.
You TOOK HER BACK TO YOUR ROOM AND BASICALLY BONED HER IN YOUR POOL.
Juan Pablo: "I'm trying to be as fair as possible."
Clare: "It's not about fair. It's about how you feel. It's about your heart."
And your (insert your own body part of choice here).
Then Juan Pablo pulls the daughter card, which by this point in the season is seriously getting dog-eared. He tells Clare that he "doesn't want Camila to see what happened" and that "if she sees it I don't think it would be that nice."
HOLD. ON.
See what happened??
Dude. Inappropriate.
Clare looks shocked: "You and I?"
Juan Pablo: "Yeah. Doing that."
Clare is crying (of course she's crying).
She's feeling embarrassed and stupid and telling him it wasn't ever her intention to disrespect his daughter.
Juan Pablo starts close talking and telling her to stop crying for him and that "it's okay."
Clare says that it's not okay or "you wouldn't have brought it up to me."
Right on, sista.
He wants her to look at him and not cry because of him and that all he wants is for her to understand him...but "don't worry about it!"
Okay, let's see if I understand you, JUAN DICKHEAD PABLO.
You went into the ocean with her.
You did things with her in the ocean while you knew there were cameras on the beach recording it.
You now regret it. Fine.
You now are changing your tune and making Clare feel like a whore. NOT FINE.

Clare tells the camera that "I knew when we were in the ocean that it was a mutual feeling. There was no miscommunication. There was no misunderstanding. He was on board with everything!"
Yeah, I'll bet he was.
That was why she got on board. Ba-dum-bum.
Clare comes back in and tries to rejoin the group but she can't.
She breaks down and leaves. Tells the camera (in tears) that Juan Pablo told her that his daughter is going to see it and that it was never her intention to disrespect his daughter.
Tells us that it takes a lot for her to even "open up" (liar) and that she just "wanted to go out and swim in the ocean."
Juan Pablo comes out to find her and keeps telling her he wants her to be okay and demanding her (in the nicest and smarmiest voice) to "look at me" and to "forget it."
Clare: "But why didn't you say no when I asked if you wanted to come with me. Why didn't you say no?"
PREACH IT, SISTER.
Juan Pablo: "Because I didn't want to take away that emotion that you had." And because I was horny. "It was my mistake, too. I should've said no but maybe I would've hurt you."
Clare: "You wouldn't have hurt me."
Juan SHITCAKE Pablo: "It was sweet that you came to me and wanted to thank me for everything...for the day."
Oh NO HE DI'INT just say that.
Clare (in voiceover): "If he didn't think it was right he shouldn't have done it."
You know what that is, my friends?
The poster I just made to hang on my daughters's walls.

Because really, it's just that simple.
Thank you, Clare.
Husband: "That's a window into his soul, Clare. You better get the hell out because I'm sure he won't ever make you feel like shit again."

Wise words to end with.


Roses to:
Nurse Nikki (already had)
Clare (already earned had)
Renee (already had)
Sharleen
Cassandra
Chelsie
Kat
Andi

Going home:
Kelly (who will finally be reunited with Molly)
Danielle
Alli


Leaderboard after week 5 -
Nurse Nikki
Andi
Clare (but who I think -- hope -- will leave before the end)


Catch up on the past recaps right here!
#1 - I Juant You to Juant Me
#2 - Walkin' in a Winter Juanderland
#3 - I Juant to Kiss You All Over
#4 - Oh, I Juanna Dance With Somebody

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Thanks for all the supportive comments and feedback!
Glad you enjoy them, but please -- NO SPOILERS!!
I will totally go all Emily Maynard West Virginia Hood Rat 
on you if you do. 

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