Hot Hollywood Hell - Kardashian Khristmas Kard Edition.

You guys, just the other day I was perusing my old Hot Hollywood Hells (<< that link will take you to the 'Favorites' tab where they're all listed…along with a lot of other scintillating reading like The Bachelorette and award show recaps) and was thinking that it had been way too long since something had come along in the celebritysphere that struck me enough to ridicule it. And then, as if they could read my mind, the Kardashians made Khristmas come a little early for me -- and you -- this year.

Kue the trumpet fanfare and ready the konfetti kannon, because the Kardashian Khristmas Kard has been revealed:

What. The. Hell.

Is it a Christmas card or have we all smoked from the same hookah pipe and fallen down a very frightening hole in the floor of Britney's dressing room in Vegas and ended up in a bizarre alternative fetish room full of Kardashians? Hold on. Is Britney in there? Hard to tell, because unfortunately my blog NOR THE NATURAL VIEWING WIDTH OF THE HUMAN EYE is panoramic enough to take all the horror of it in at once. But don't worry. I've chopped it up in four sections to better scrutinize. And by 'scrutinize' I of course mean rip apart with glee.

Hold on, let me refill my wine glass*. This is gonna be fun. 

*In case you're worried, I am writing this on Tuesday night, you guys. Contrary to popular belief, I don't day drink. Unless I'm lying prone on a pool lounge. Or it's a Sunday. 

Part One: Kim

Let me just get one thing out of the way: Girlfriend's lookin' good. Of course, I'd look good too if someone PHOTOSHOPPED all aspects of my body on my Christmas card. Which brings up a good point: If I could be photoshopped on my Christmas card, I'd totally give myself gigantic melon boobs. 

And also? I totally almost wore that same outfit in my family picture this year. Awkward. 

Part Two: Kendall and Kelsey...or Kandace...or Kylie...or whoever the very attractive but not quite as attractive little sister is (oh, relax, you know you think so too).

I used to feel sorry for these two, until a year or so ago when they each proved to be just as spoiled and materialistic and attention whorish as the rest of their family.  I guess you could say they can't help it, but they totally can. They've embraced the Kardashian legacy with gusto and are living the high life (I'll let you decide if that pun was intended).  However, that one on the left -- the Khloe of the Jenner children? She kinda looks like she wants to get the hell out of this Kircus (soft 'K'), doesn't she?? Oh, wait. Maybe she's looking at something else.

Part Three: Khloe, Kourtney, Kris and Kids

The first thing I notice is that I cannot tell if that is Kourtney or Kris holding the baby that thankfully isn't being pimped too hard yet and was actually allowed to be looking away from the camera. But then LEGS LEGS LEGS all up in my face and I'm set straight. Because Kris better damn well be noticed, and since Kim got to be the boobs this year she called dibs on legs. Khloe is obviously overcompensating for her recent struggles through her hair, but hey, it's better than crack and hookers. Oh...wait. And poor little Mason. Doesn't he speak a thousand words in this picture? Fingers crossed for him (*shaking her head as she types those words*). 

Part Four: Bruce (or what used to be Bruce)

Poor Bruce. I'd really have thought they'd have let him off the hook this year, what with the separation and the notable absence in this photo of Slick Willy, CRACKer Jack, and Yeezus. And Rob. But it's totally okay and normal because ohmigod you guys, they trapped him in a glass box and killed him. 

Nah, I forgot, that's how Bruce always looks. 

Anyone want to take a stab at the significance of that sign??

And dammit. You know what pissed me off the most about this card? I spent like three hours on Saturday looking through hundreds of Christmas card templates for one that would fit the photos I wanted to use and would capture the happy message I wanted to send to my friends. If only I'd known the Things and I could've just teased our hair, greased up our legs, plumped up and exposed the girls, tossed some old mannequin parts around and stuck Husband in the deep freeze I'd have had a hell of a lot more free time. Krap.

Oh well, there's always next year.

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