Bachelorette Recap # 7 - Looking for Love on the Island of Wood.

You guys, I was duped.

I'm somewhat ashamed to say that I'd been waiting for this week's episode with about as much anticipation as white-trash America is waiting for the Scratch-n-Sniff season premiere of Honey Boo-Boo.

Yeah, sadly I ain't kidding.
This was in last week's issue of People.
I'd make a joke here about America going to hell, but since this is an entire post about The Bachelorette, I think I'll keep my mouth shut.

Anyway, after that unbelievably compelling teaser at the end of last week's episode my mind had been racing with questions all week.

What bomb does Drew drop that makes Des cry??

Why does Brooks have a ring?? 

Where is he going all alone in that limo?

Why is everyone leaving all alone in a limo? 

Will Des ever get to discover what  "drilling fluid engineer" means?

Will Michael ever realize he looks like a douche in that baby blue GAP hoodie? 

And then it was finally time for me, my Bachelor watchin' sidekick (what up, Husband) and Thing 2 (whose Bachelorette watching I like to view as a parenting service called "Douchebag Spotting 101")  to settle in with our snacks (on the menu tonight: Chardonnay, Root Beer, Monster M&M cookies and Smart Pop popcorn) and finally -- finally -- get some of these questions answered (Thing 1 deserted us to watch "Teen Wolf" upstairs with her friends. Knife to the heart, Thing 1. Knife to the heart).

And then Harrison's usual, "Tonight! On The Bachelorette...." was followed by boring date crap that was only made interesting by a peek at a fab blue dress that Des was uncharacteristically rocking.

There was no sign of Drew's bombshell confession...No image of Brooks in a limo...No crying.

WHY IS THERE NO CRYING??

YOU PROMISED ME CRYING, ABC!!
God dammit.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice at least 182 times, shame on me.
And what commenced was perhaps one of the more bland and lame episodes yet this season.
It's not gonna be easy to spin this into something interesting for you folks, but since there were a few sound bites that made the entire two hour root canal of a show worth it, I'll give it my best.


*Recapper's note -

The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.

Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.

Once again, because I'm too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences.

And once again, you are welcome.

This week Des and the boys will be leaving fluids all over the island of Madeira, Portugal (which my sidekick and wiki researcher tells me means, literally, "Island of Wood". Insert your own joke here).

We find our motley crew cutting through the pristine blue waters on a pirate ship....all lined up on the gangplank. 

Michael is still in his light blue GAP hoodie, so Des pushes him off first. 

Brooks is wearing a checkered shirt that James apparently left behind, so he goes next.
Nah, I'm kidding. But I kind of wish I wasn't.

Boys check out their massive villa. 
There's a room with two twin beds pushed together. 
That one must be for Drew and Michael. 

Des says that all the drama of last week has really bummed her out so of course "she's" invited her old Bachelor besties Catherine, Jackie (who?) and Lesley to fly 6,000 miles to Portugal to drink martinis for three minutes and discuss which boy probably has the biggest...uh...heart.  

The girls feel like Des is the type of girl who needs the spice!

She tells them she's falling in love!

With more than one person!

Girls: "Yaayyyyy! That's sooo awesome!" snap! snap! snap!

Fellas come strolling out on the lower pool deck.

Girls grab binoculars. 

"Who's in the stripes?" "Ooooh! Who's that without the shirt?"  "I'll take the one with the abs!!"
Wait. That last comment might have actually come from me. 

Boys are all putting on a show, prancing and preening and flexing as if they're on display.

Girls tire of watching and start asking Des the hard hitting questions which is why ABC spent over $8,000 to get them there, obviously:
Girls: "Did you kiss a lot of people? Who's the best?"

Des: "Drew." 

Girls: "Who has the best body?" 

Des: "Drew."

"NO WAY. IT'S ZAK!!" I shout. Then remember that Husband and Thing 2 are sitting next to me and mumble something about needing a SACK to put my popcorn in. 
I don't think they buy it. 

Catherine says something that has to be bleeped. It obviously is dirty.
I'm pretty sure it had to do with the size of the boys'.....hearts.

Catherine. 

The girl who is remaining celibate until marrying Sean-the-reformed-virgin. 
The girl who when Des asked her how it was going with Sean responded with, "Oh...I mean, he's like my best friend so....yeah...."

The girl whose face absolutely lights up when the talk turns to who will be the best luurver.

The girls toss some ice water on Catherine and head back to Los Angeles. 

One on One Date with Brooks -- Cloud 9.  

Brooks is all about taking it to the next level so he and Des are going up a mountain, naturally.
In a SmartCar.
Unnaturally.

Seems like just yesterday that Des was blazing around L.A. in that Bentley, doesn't it? 
Guess ABC used up all their budget getting the besties out for that three minutes of booty-talk. 

Des and Brooks practically have to push the smart car up the mountain. Seriously, this is all I keep picturing...

Des, in voiceover: "I just can't wait to take it all in with him!" 

Uh...TMI, Des, and thanks a lot for the spoiler alert. The Fantasy Suite dates aren't for like TWO MORE WEEKS. 

Smart car still trying to make it up above the clouds. 
Des keeps looking at Brooks as she's talking to him (which we know because the rearview mirror cam is literally 2" from their faces) which makes me terrified for their fate. 

FOR GOD'S SAKE WOMAN -- KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD.

They end up at the top of a mountain peak above the clouds with a picnic of wine and wine and wine and of course, their tongues. 

Lots of inane comments like "Welcome to cloud 9" and getting "lost in the clouds" which combined with the monster m&m cookie and chardonnay isn't doing anything good for my stomach.

Brooks babbles incoherently about the puzzle pieces of his life and is not making any sense whatsoever.

Des is nodding and agreeing. 

She can picture her life with Brooks.
Who the hell cares if she can understand him.

Clouds come in and completely cover them. 

You literally cannot see the edge of the cliff. 

So naturally, they stand up. 

Des: "We didn't just break through the clouds, Brooks and I broke through in our relationship."
And then fell 3,000 feet to their death.

Dinner-

Des is wearing a sequined mini, silky top and super high hooker heels. 

Brooks decides on Mr. Rogers's old stripey cardigan and chambray button up with black tee underneath, naturally.

Brooks realizes hometowns are coming up and decides to go ahead and start apologizing for his family now. 

That coupled with the dead man's cardigan makes me shout warnings at the television.

Fun lovin' Des decides to play an adjective game!

Huh, it's no poetry, but it'll do.
They have to pick adjectives that describe their journey to love.
Des says that you start out WALKING, then you are JOGGING, then RUNNING and then you cross THE FINISH LINE!
In a related note, Des failed third grade English.

Des tells Brooks that where they're concerned, she's RUNNING. 

Brooks looks a little panicked. 
He was sure those were verbs.

There's a fireworks show and Des says something about how kissing Brooks is exactly like a fireworks show and is obviously so into him, despite that douchey sweater. 

Lots of sound bites from Des about being excited to meet his family and how she wants to spend family reunions with them and how she can see Brooks down on one knee proposing.

This can only mean one thing, you guys. 

Brooks is a dead man walking.
Makes sense, since he's already rocking the sweater. 

One on One with Chris - Message in a Bottle

Chris (5 o'clock shadow, check) and Des (striped sundress and white Keds that I wore in 1999, check) are yachting out to a private island.

Talk about chemistry while slathering each other w sunscreen.

Passion. Check.

Picnic in a flowered field.
Dullsville.
Until this.

Des: "What's this? Did you bring something?" (points to empty bottle.)

Chris: "I did. We're gonna make a message in a bottle."

Des: "Hooray! Are we gonna write a poem??"

Chris: "Uh….DOI."

Des: "How should we start it?"

You can literally SEE them trying to "out-poem" the other. 

Chris: "uh….let's start it like this - 'Experiences we share together…..'"

Wait wait wait. This is gonna be one of THOSE poems? Ugh.

Des (chewing on her pencil): "Experiences we share together….ummm….keep the memories close to heart?"

I seriously just threw up a little bit of the cookie I just ate in my mouth.  

Des: "No matter the distance or the hours away…"

And they keep going like this, SERIOUSLY, for like 25 minutes.
Or two.
I forget. 

Then….THEN…they read their whole creation out loud and I have to stop the show to punch myself in the face.

And then just when I didn't think it could get any better (worse) -

Des (reaching for the bottle but much funnier if you imagine her not reaching for the bottle): "OH, I NEED A CORK IN IT!!"

Chris (in voice over): "I don't think anyone else has shared the same affection Des and I have shared and uh….I have something else to share with her…..(literally his next soundbite), WE'RE GONNA GET A LITTLE WET."

ABC editors, I love you so hard right now. 

And also, would everyone just puh-leeze be patient? The Fantasy Suite dates are right around the corner.
Chill.
If Catherine can do it, so can you. 

Dinner - 

Des in sequined mini #2.
Excuse me while I fire her stylist. 

Chris is going to tell Des that he loves her!

He doesn't use these words very often!

He's excited!

He's also clearly drunk.

Very nervous…fidgety…sweating.

Kicks a table.

Knocks a bottle over. 

Has a surprise for her!

Let me guess….it's another god dammed poem. 

'Surprise', my ass.

Chris proceeds to pull out a folded note, all sweaty and pilly from his pocket, that's called "Individually Defined."

Oh good grief.
*Opening new bottle of wine* << me, not them.

Chris proceeds to recite an 18 page poem about their journey.

No that IS NOT a tear in my eye, HUSBAND. It's the allergies in this damn basement.

Ends with "…..I truly mean that I love you."

Des's tongue congratulates him on his recitation and she tells him, "You melted my heart….in a GOOD way."

Oh, thank god. Because I thought you meant in a literal way. 

That would've been scary.

One on One with Michael 

I cannot even begin to describe the atrocity of Des's outfit. Let's just say that much like her wardrobe of the Mr. America episode, she's wearing an outfit I would've worn -- and rocked -- in like 2007. 

10 seconds into this date tells me one thing. 

Michael's gay.

That's what I haven't been able to put my finger on with him. 

NO WONDER he loves that GAP hoodie!

They wander the city. 
Michael bites a phallic looking piece of fruit like he owns it.

Michael: "Oooh! I didn't expect that!" (Yeah, I bet you didn't. 20 bucks on what you were really expecting.)

Des: "What is it? Do you need to spit it out?"

Michael: "HA HA!! Noooooo, I'm fine!" (Woman. Don't insult me.) 

They continue their shopping spree through the streets of Medeira sipping mimosas with Michael giving his advice on jewelry, which he's (non)surprisingly good at. 

Des is totally drunk and slurs that, "Yuuur the see test prrsn I've ever mt in my tire life."

Seriously. I had to rewind that three times. 

The girlfriends then ride a wicker couch down the mountains of Madeira with Michael's voiceovers spouting scripted lines about "love is a roller coaster" and "love being a wild ride" and shut up Michael. Your case is dismissed. 

Dinner- 

Dinner with Des and Michael is so boring I start binge eating.

Michael talks about his recent broken heart. 

Des looks as bored as….well, as I am.

Here Des, have some of my Skinny Pop.  I really shouldn't eat this whole bag alone.

Two on One Date - Des and Drew and Zak go go-carting.
Stick with me, Imma make this as fast as Zak's go-cart.

In a scene straight out of grease, Des starts the go-cart race that will determine who gets "a surprise".

And no, thankfully it's not one of Chris's poems. 

Zak wins. 

Group has a picnic together for about three seconds.

Des: "Zak, since you won, do you wanna go first??" 

Ew. 

Zak has a gift. 

It's not a poem. 

It's a scrapbook of drawings of their experiences!

All three of them.

Des tells Zak she loves it and struggles to avoid critiquing his artistic ability. Or lack thereof. 

Des takes Drew off for his turn.
Ew.

He talks about his family and his mentally challenged sister and how excited she'll be to meet her and it's obvious.

Des lilkes Drew.

Des loves Drew I think.

He's adorable.

Drew: "I've never had these feelings before."

Obviously. 

Obviously.

Thing 2: "So…I'm 80% sure that Drew is 100% gay."
Man I love that kid. 

One rose on this date, and it goes to…..

DREW. 

Good lord he's so damn cute, you guys. 

I'm just gonna do it. 

It's my blog, dammit, so I can.

Rose Ceremony -

Des is looking SMASHING in a solid, non-sequined (thank god) turquoise floor length gown with no back and perfectly curled but not too curled hair. 
No, I'm not kidding.
I know.
Shocking.

Because this episode has been so mind numbing, there's time for a little sit down with Harrison.

Harrison: "What do you think of Drew?"
Des: "Drew is the best looking guy I've ever met." 

So we see that girlfriend has a type.

Harrison: "Is he husband material?"

Des: "Well, I mean, he'd be perfect to take to the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale, but...." 

Harrison: "I want to see your face when I say this word. Brooks."
Des, blushing: "What?? Whyyy??" tee-hee tee-hee...

Turns out Des loves Brooks. 

Forget RUNNING, she tells Harrison she's at "THE FINISH LINE" with Brooks. 

Dammit. 

Roses go to -

Brooks 

Chris

dramatic music….worried looks…. aaand 8 minutes later…

Zak

Michael is upset, so he does what one would when in this situation ON NATIONAL TELEVISION, he calls his mama. 

Michael: "Desiree SENT ME HOME, MAMA!!"

Mama: "If it wasn't meant to be…it wasn't meant to be."

Michael: "But WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?"

Uh, Michael, we need to have a talk. 

Wear your GAP hoodie and meet me outside the closet in five. 

Hometowns next week, you guys.
And NO EVIDENCE of last week's crying, Drew's confessing or Brooks's solo limo ride AT ALL. 
Mike Fleiss you schiesty bastard, you.
But Des's brother returns.

And surprisingly, he's not wearing an orange jumpsuit and chains around his ankles. 

LEADERBOARD AFTER WEEK 7*-

Brooks 

Drew

Chris

Zak

*in order of Desiree's love, not mine.

Okay, now give me your best "Island of Wood" joke.

I'm serious.