Bachelorette Recap #6 - THIS IS REALITY!

Buenos Días, my Bachelorette fans! 

Are you ready to travel to Spain with Des and the boys? 

I'm spending the week at my happy place and was out enjoying sunset on the lake until waaay after this episode started (thank goodness for DVR at the lake), but managed to drag myself away just as the mosquitoes started biting (about 8:45 p.m. FYI), open a bottle of wine, pour a bowl of mini M&M's (my crack) and hunker down with the Things to watch our fair Bachelorette navigate another week of dates and disasters.

Priorities. 

Let's get right to it, shall we?


*Recapper's note -

The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.

Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.

Once again, because I'm too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences.

And once again, you are welcome.

We open with stock aerial shots from the Barcelona Department of Tourism and Des's voice over -- "Barcelona is the perfect place to fall in love."

Huh.

Really.

Because correct me if I'm wrong, Des, but I'm sure you thought Atlantic City was the "perfect place to fall in love". 

No, wait. 

Munich, Germany was the "perfect place to fall in love". 

I'm starting to lose trust in you, missy, and I do not like it. One. Bit. 

Zak with the abs also thinks Barcelona is the perfect place to fall in love.

He also thinks "People always fall in love in the Spanish culture."

Because that makes perfect sense, you racist.

Although, let's remember, he lives in a Branch Davidian estate in po-dunk Texas, so his worldly experience is limited. 

The boys are "cheers-ing" in Barcelona!

Michael and Brooks are still in their GAP hoodies they got in Munich!

James is again, questionably, in checks. 

Harrison shows up, uncharacteristically in solids, to hand out the first date card.

It's for DREW.

Drew, who is totally gay, by the way, and just in denial. 

I know I called it in episode #1 but have somehow forgotten about it, which is odd considering the evidence of the past 4 episodes:

•Boyfriend's got some serious style. 

•He recited Shakespeare for his talent at the Mr. America pageant.

*hanging head in disappointment*

And let me please go on record to say that I LOVE me some gays. I do. Not only do I love them but I support them. So stop thinking I'm being judgmental. I'm just calling it like I see it. 

Des and Drew have a typically boring date wandering around Barcelona and as usual, end up in a cafe'.

Des: What makes Drew...Drew?

Drew: My father is the man I want to be.

He then goes into the story of how his dad was a drunk….came clean….AA advocate...starts crying, "…this is the first time I've told anybody this." 

So it makes perfect sense, then, to tell Des, the entire cafe' in Barcelona, the three cameramen, two producers and the 6 million people watching.  

Then he discloses that his dad has cancer, "but no one knows about it."

Uh, dude? 

Do you not see the cameramen? 

Dinner -

Des is wearing leather pants AND a leather jacket.

Drew picked it out.

Obviously.

Dinner for two is set up in a private courtyard.
Drew's overcome with emotions.

Takes Des away from the table and away from the cameras.

Des is confused.

This wasn't in the script!

They run down a corridor.

Cameramen fumble cameras and panic, trying to follow them. 

It's a footrace!!

Taking a page from the Ari Luyendyk playbook, Drew pulls Des down an alley and slams her up against a wall and proceeds to eat her face. 

Cameramen jostle for postion.

Harrison, shouting from panic room: "Get the money shot, god dammit!"

Des, panting:  "Wow. That kiss made me feel really special and slightly violated." and then, "Made me see Drew in a different light like an honest to goodness heterosexual!!"

Drew gets the rose.

Right there in the alley.

He decides the alley isn't only a good place to give Des a strep test with his tongue, it's also a good place to tell her about that dickwad James and how he's only here to end up as the next Bachelor. 

Des reacts by saying some things that were bleeped that made me remember that she can be kind of awesome when she's not reading cue cards. 

Group Date -- Guuuuuuuulllll!! 

All the boys left except Zak (who SCORED the next one-on-one date....see what I did there?) meet Des in a professional Spanish soccer stadium. 

Tengo la sensación de Juan Pablo será una patada en el culo caucasion.
Google translate it if you want. 

sidenote - Des looks adorable in a high pony. She should totally wear her hair like that more often.

Juan Pablo, obviously, feels at home.

Brooks says that his name, translated, means "I am Whaaan Pahhblo and I am sexy beasty soccer star and I will win Des's heart" or something like that that makes me remember that although somewhat a pussy and despite those vampirey teeth, I do love me some Brooks. 

Des and the boys kick the ball around.

Des then appears in uniform with her team of girls.

Boys scoff and trash talk the "girl scouts."

Girls proceed to KICK THE BOYS' BUTTS, 10-2. 

Boys blame James for being a wimpy goalie (because, remember...JAMES IS THE NEW BEN AND WE HATE HIM).

DINNER - 

Everyone meets at Des's enormous villa.

Des takes Chris (who sadly is not rocking the 5 o'clock shadow this week) to her room -- "I've got to show you my room!"
They lay on Des's bed to talk. Of course.

I pause to tell my girls that the only time this is an acceptable place to have a covo with a boy is when you are The Bachelorette...or when you are on your literal deathbed.

Des inflates Chris's uh….ego. 

Yeah, let's go with "ego".

Des: You're really athletic!

Let's play (soccer) again tomorrow!

Meet me at the soccer field!

Chris: Be there or be square.

Don't be late.

Don't make me wait.

Des: Oh! Oh goodie!! Are you rhyming?!

Chris: Sure am, babe. On purpose.

Des: Me too!

Chris: You next. Did you write me something?

Des: I did actually! Do you want to hear it?

Pulls out a card.

Reads a AABB poem that is like 24 stanzas and one exactly like I might have written for my mom in 5th grade.

Chris and his tongue tell her it's beautiful.

Chris's voice over: "The Chris and Des love scale is rapidly rising."  

Yeah, as is Chris's "ego."

#Kasey and Michael decide it's time to confront James.

Lay the whole sordid story on the line, including the part about overhearing the conversation between James and Mikey about having girls out on the boat.

James looks shocked. 

Denies.

Lots of yelling.

I'm getting uncomfortable.

Eating mini M&M's by the handful.

Michael's getting riled up.

James tries to pass it off as "Yous guys! I was kidding around!"

Blames it on Mikey.

It was Mikey! Hey Mikey! 

You sorry son of a bitch, you.

James goes all Jersey Shore and starts "F you-ing" Michael and #Kasey and poor unassuming non-5-o'clock-shadowed Chris. 

I'm finding it hard to breathe. 

Keep eating M&M's.

Drinking wine. 

#Kasey takes Des aside and gives her the rest of James's horrid story (The broads and boats part. If you're confused, don't worry, it's not necessary knowledge. Just hate James. Trust me. That's all you need to do).

Des decides not to hand out a rose because of all the controversy.

Walks all the guys except James out to the vans with them dragging their feet and whining, "But it's not faaaiiir" but then realize that James is about to get SCHOOLED and so they're all like, "Sucker's goin' dowwwn!"

James gets schooled -- the three word version:
Des confronts James.
Bachelor, broads, boat.

Des believes fellas.
James starts spinning.
Obviously blames Mikey.

Poor sap cannot catch a break. 

Swears on dad.
Dad with cancer.
(Or with IBS.)
This is ludicrous!
Has 'effin' headache.
James is crying.
James is bawling.
Des is doubting.
Des needs sleep.
Might be drunk.
James lives on.

One-on-One Date - Painting peckers 

ABC has set up a date for Des and Zak in an art studio, so it's only fitting that at the last minute a producer threw her a sketch book and a pencil and had her sit on a wall sketching a cathedral as Zak walks up. 

Someone gets paid for that, you guys.
I am in the wrong line of work.

So Zak and Des spend the afternoon drawing a man in a trench coat, portraits of each other and then, like we didn't see this coming, a nude male model.
Which gives Zak -- who let's not forget drinks his coffee in the nude -- an idea!
Sure enough, Zak appears in the white hotel robe with a twinkle in his eye.
I start chanting, "TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!" and then remember my children are sitting next to me.
Zak drops his robe to reveal a pair of tighty whiteys and those abs that shamefully have not made a real appearance since episode #1.
Guess ABC isn't worried about ratings, because if I was in the control booth, I'd be making damn sure Zak's luggage got lost -- a lot.

At dinner:
Zak: What do you NEED to know about me?
Des: Well, other than when we're ever gonna get around to that whole "drilling fluid engineer" thing...

The rest of dinner is boring.
They don't eat their food, but since they feast on each other's tongues for awhile they seem to be sated.

Zak -- ROSE.

On their way out of the cellar, they stop and make out against the stone wall.
12 year old: What is it about Spain??

New Day.
James confronts Drew.

Drew says a lot of things about "focusing on Des" and "making her your 100%" and when James tries to defend his statement of becoming the next Bachelor because "it's REALITY!" Drew talks about "making THIS your reality" and oh my god I think I love him and for Des's sake I hope he's not gay. Also, he looks pretty damn cute in a dark gray v-neck. 

*LIGHTBULB* In a brilliant twist - DREW should be the next Bachelor!! Gay or not. Because, hey ABC, stop being so damn prejudiced.

Des comes in and takes James out to have "the talk."

She doesn't think James is someone she can trust.

She says she's ready to say Adíos. 

James starts immediately spinning his wheels and telling Des in a speech that is on fast-forward about how he said hurtful things to the fellas yesterday and he didn't mean any of it and he's regretful and how he is here for Des. 

*Pause. Time out for a lesson for my girls*

Girls, James is a tool and a giant dickface and anytime someone has to sell himself like that and who spins what you know in your heart to be true into self-doubt, you need to run away. Quickly and far. 

And there are people who criticize me for letting my girls watch this show.
Best class in douchewad spotting I know of.

*Back to Des*

Des is waffling.

GROW A PAIR, DES.

She starts crying.

James leans in for a kiss.

And OH MY GOD she's second guessing herself and all that she's heard and you know what? THIS IS WHY THIS GIRL DATES LOSERS AND ENDS UP WITH HER HEART BROKEN INTO A BILLION PIECES.

She has no spine.

James continuing to sell himself.

He's sorry. 

He can see her as the mother of his children.

He's hugging her.

And you guys, JAMES  LIVES TO SEE ANOTHER ROSE CEREMONY.
Desiree Cornelia* Hartsock, you have never disappointed me more. 

*I do not actually know her middle name. That just seemed to flow.

James goes back, squeezes onto the couch between two other dudes and proceeds to spout these pearls of wisdom:

"The reality of it is, when we return to our normal lives, we're gonna date others."

"One of us is gonna be the Bachelor."

"A win win would be Des AND being the Bachelor."

Wait. What? That doesn't make any sense.

12 year old:  Well, not a lot goes through his little pea brain.

17 year old: Wait. If that comment makes it into your post and mine about the balls doesn't…

Me: What comment about the balls?

17 yo: Uh, I don't remember. But it was good.

Okay, Thing 1, you're in. 

James continues the diarrhea of the mouth and is shocked that no one else is getting what he's saying.

All the guys are incredulous.

"How can you not be 100% committed to a relationship with Desiree?"
"We want to MARRY HER!" 
"ALL SEVEN OF US!"

James is all, "DUDES! THIS IS REALITY!!"

Chris, who has been sitting quietly, finally blows a gasket.

Roses are red
I cannot keep it in
JAMES, YOU'RE A DICK
and besides, I'm gonna win.  

Rose Ceremony -- 

Des appears looking like a spicy señorita in a short black lace dress, hair pulled over to the side, and glossy red lipstick. OLÉ!

3 roses to give out….6 guys.

Zak and Drew are safe with roses because of their alleyway escapades, obviously.

Chris - ROSE(s are Red...violets are blue...will you accept this rose...I sure as hell DO)

Brooks - ROSE 

Michael - ROSE - (Ew)

DENIED -

#Kasey (#finally)

James (like we didn't see that coming)

and sadly, we bid Adíos to WHHHAN PAHHBLO (sob….sob…)

And it's (finally) over and time for scenes from next week.

OHMIGOD YOU GUYS, WHAT IN THE HARRISON HELL IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN?

Here's what I make of what I just saw in the previews:

Lots of tropical love frolicking on beaches. 

Lots of happiness.

Drew has something shocking to tell Des that "he can't control" (my money's on, "I AM GAY!")

Des is heartbroken.

Des cries a lot.
A lot.

Brooks proposes?

Brooks is crying!

Brooks is going home (or somewhere) in a limo alone, looking devastated!

All the guys are going home (or somewhere) in limos alone, looking devastated!

Des is crying saying, "I just want to go home."

This is FABulous!!
Most compelling preview in history.
It damn well better pan out.


LEADERBOARD AFTER WEEK 6  (and I'm not letting that damn preview sway me) -
Chris
Brooks
Zak's abs