Bachelorette Recap #5 -- Hot Tugging with Des

The recap is a little late.

I know.

And I'd like to apologize.

I'd like to apologize, but I'm not sure I can.

Because instead of watching The Bachelorette last night, this is what I was doing.

Ripping up soggy carpet padding in our entire basement.

For over six hours.

Am I pissed that the we live in a place where we had the sh*ttiest winter on record and that our "summer" has been nothing but stormy and rainy and tornadoey and left us without power for 24 hours last weekend which caused our sump pump to stop pumping water from under the foundation of our house and seep up under our carpet?

Sure I am.

But I'm even more upset that it wrecked my The Bachelorette night.

Obviously.


So this morning, I left the basement smelling like the "Tropics Trail" at the zoo and watched last night's episode upstairs.

I have to say, watching The Bachelorette with a cup of coffee instead of a glass of wine just isn't the same.

I also had to make due without my favorite Bachelor/ette watching sidekick, who was back downstairs ripping up more carpet.

Thankfully it looks like we'll only have to replace the pad.

Super-happy-to-live-in-Minnesota-this-summer-and-have-the-jobs-they-have men from the restoration place are on their way to tell us if the dry wall isn't....well, so dry anymore and how much we get to pay to continue living here.


But enough about why I'll be living in California by this time next year, let's get our soggy butts to Germany and join Des and the fellas!


*Recapper's note -

The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.

Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.

Once again, because I'm too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences.

And once again, you are welcome.

Episode #5 opens with a yodel and aerial shots of Munich, Germany, which as usual, makes me add a few pins to my "Places I Need To Go Thanks To THE BACHELOR" Pinterest board. 

Guys arrive on the subway.

Apparently they all made a quick stop at The GAP, because most of them are sporting matching hoodies in various sherbet (or is is sherbeRt?).

Boys think Munich is "amazing" and "cool", but I mean, they've just come from Atlantic City so really, ABC could've flown them to Anaheim and they'd have been impressed. 

Date card arrives.

James reads it.

He's wearing an infinity scarf.

Come again?

HE'S WEARING AN INFINITY SCARF.

D-bag. 

Chris gets the one-on-one.

Hold on.

Chris has suddenly turned cute.

Like, kinda hot.

Like, really hot. 

Like, IthinkIcanForgetAboutTheWholeHighHeelsHoolaHoop thing hot. 

Des and Chris decide to wander around  Munich with their tour books and treat us to a whole montage of ridiculousness.

Des and Chris do the Lady and the Tramp thing with A SAUSAGE!

Fun Lovin' Des and Chris take photos with creepy mimes!

Dress up in cliched German garb! (I can't tell if Chris is wearing heels with his lederhosen or not, though.)

Frolic and do a dorky dance in the middle of a courtyard with 300 tourists who ABC paid to act like they gave a damn!

Wait. What's this?

Bryden's still pouting back at the hotel and feels something is missing.

Realizes his "wound" won't go away.

He's not feelin' it, yo.

So he's doing the only thing you'd do in this situation.

HE'S GOING TO CRASH HER ONE ON ONE DATE AND TELL HER HE'S BAILING.

Meanwhile, we hear Chris chime in (with this voice over that ABC made him come back into the studio to record last week to set the scene), "This date is getting better and better! I don't think anything could go wrong!"

Nice (cleverly orchestrated) segue, ABC.

Bryden, looking for Des, is literally interviewing Munich pedestrians asking if they've seen TV cameras. 

BECAUSE OF COURSE THE CAMERAMEN FOLLOWING HIM DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.

Cut to Des and Chris doing a do-se-do in the middle of the plaza when Bryden the PARTY POOPER finds them.

Bryden steals Des to break up with her.

Chris is pissed his polka got interrupted (as one understandably would be) and is all "Dude, don't you dare be upsetting my lady so I have to switch into comforting mode JUST WHEN I WAS GETTING MY POLKA ON, GOD DAMMIT!!"


Bryden breaks up.

Des looks real broken up -- not.

Returns to Chris and says, "Why couldn't he do this tomorrow?? It's sooooo annoying! "

You know what makes a girl who just got her public polka interrupted feel better, though?

A gallon of beer.

And Chris's tongue.

Two-on-two date card arrives.

It's Michael and Ben.

OMG THEY HATE EACH OTHER!!

Oh, wait. everyone hates Ben. That's right. 

Back to Chris and Des who are eating dinner in a palace, of course.

Chris is ready to start a family.

Des's ex was very unexpressive.

She's tearing up. 

The ex couldn't say "I love you" first and it "rrreaarlly hurrt, ja knooww?" 

She's getting drunk.

Chris has a poem.

He wrote it on the plane.

It rhymes.

She's losing control with lust at Chris's expressiveness. 

The poem earns him tongue. 

And a rose, which when she gave it to him decided to phrase like this, "Chris, will you accept MY rose?"

And that, folks, is what you call a Freudian Slip. 


Roses are Red

Chris might have them beat

My money says he'll get the key (and a LOT more) 

in the Fantasy Suite.




Group Date -- or When They Almost All Certainly Died In A Giant Igloo

Des welcomes the boys (who are all now wearing matching parkas) by telling them where they are in German while looking at her cue cards out of the corner of her eye. 

The group boards a teeny tin can gondola which dangles them by a piece of thread as it takes them high above the German/Austrian mountaintops.

I peed just watching it.

Suddenly, the group is beckoned by an adorable little old-man yodeler. 

Who yodels like crap, btw.

The only real thing that was of interest on the first part of this date is when they all had to sled back down the mountain.

The highest in Germany (apparently).

On sleds without brakes.

I was hoping for more blood and broken bones and tears, I'll be honest.


Then Des leads them into a giant igloo mansion with ceilings that are about 6' tall and little carved out rooms with bearskin blankets and pillows.

I'm getting claustrophobic.

And cold.


Brooks, in a surprising show of manliness, takes her to one such room straight away. 

He starts spouting a whole bunch of nonsense about his feelings and why he's there and Des is all, Stop talllking already! and just decides to silence him with her (what else) tongue.

Hey Mikey takes Des outside and wants to make small snowmen.

Does Des?

DOES SHE???

DOES SHE EV-ERRRR!

She LOOVVEES that idea!!

Hey Mikey wants to make a Mikey and Des family of 5….or even 10 snowmen!!

Scrreeech. 
Des looks panicked, but quickly starts building tiny snowmen.

As soon as they get started, Zak comes yodeling in.

See ya, Mikey and your family of 10!

Zak discloses something.

10 years ago he wanted to be a priest.

Shirtless, nude coffee drinking Zak.

A priest.

And apparently he had his very own Eat, Pray, Love moment 10 years ago on THIS VERY SAME MOUNTAIN (or that one....or that one....) and was told (by either God or the Baroness Schraeder) that "Somewhere out there was a lady man who wasn't ever going to be a nun priest." 

Climb Ev'ry Mountain, Zak. 
Keep climbin'.


Des goes back into the igloo and makes out (heavily) with James.

Who now the boys do not like.

He's so Jekyll and Hyde it's DRIVING THEM CRAZY.

Des gives the rose to Brooks -- "someone who can always make her laugh." 

James, oddly back in his infinity scarf, cannot understand how fun lovin' Des gave the rose to fun lovin' Brooks.

In related news, James isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Two on One Date - The State of Ass-hat vs. Brody's Dad

Ben is going in to this date confident!

Says it will be important to relax and react to whatever happens like a polite man -- "a Christian man".

Michael has decided to take a somewhat more aggressive approach -- "Today is Armeggedon."

Michael, after reminding us that he's a prosecutor and therefore very important, tells us that, "Today Ben will be found guilty of FRAUD and IMPERSONATION of a southern gentleman".


Sustained!

Michael, Des and Ben start the date off sitting snuggly together on a bench and appear to be drinking coffee and Bailey's out of a thermos (I know my coffee and Bailey's -- don't question it) and have terribly uncomfortable small talk with Michael coming out of the gates strong and already laying the groundwork to throw Ben under the bus.


Des tells them they're doing the Polar Bear plunge and to shut suit up.

While neither wants to jump in the frigid lake and shrink their kibbles and bits down to the size of actual kibbles and bits in front of Des, neither is backing out, either.


But wait! 

That fun lovin' Des was KIDDING!!

They're not going to swim in the freezing lake!

They're going sailing in a HOT TUG!

Wait. 

A what??

Sweet baby Harrison, Is that a hot tub BOAT??

I MUST HAVE A HOT TUG!!

*googling Hot Tug*

HOLY MOTHER OF G*D!!  DO NOT -- I repeat -- DO NOT GOOGLE "HOT TUG"!!

Nah, actually, a whole bunch of photos of actual hot tugs come up, but after I wrote that up there I have to admit, I was expecting a lot worse.

*now googling other forms of 'hot tug' to see what version will actually produce something inappropriate*

Michael goes for the jugular by bringing up Brody and him being an absentee father and goes into a whole diatribe about how HIS dad was ALSO a deadbeat and it really screwed him up and made him become a flawed man an attorney.

Ben clenching jaw.

Des is getting super uncomfortable and it has nothing to do with the hot tug.

Ben having a hard time remaining a good Christian.

*sidenote* when we come back from commercial James is giving Mikey a weird face massage by pulling his cheeks in and out and THEN rubs his shoulders and leans over the chair and gives him a reach around hug.

I'm thinking there's gonna be some more Hot Tugging going on later, but not in the lake. 

*end sidenote*

Meanwhile, back at the penthouse...

Drew calls a secret meeting with Brooks, #Kasey and still-rocking-the-5 o'clock-shadow Chris.

In the bedroom.

Obviously.

Says that he and #Kasey were riding home from the group date in the van with James and Mikey and overheard a conversation between the two thugs "that should never have happened."

It had to do with Hot Tugs.

No, but apparently James had an idea for them to be the new 'Kings of Chicago' (move over Oprah) and had hatched a plan to put their collective 15 min. of fame to use after this whole game is over and "rule Chicago" by taking tall, hot chicks out on his boat and playing "Who wants to Hot Tug James?" (be warned, I'm gonna use this at least two more times). 

Oh, and also, he's pretty sure if he ends up in the top four he has a shot at being the next Bachelor. 

As one would by Season 329 of this show.

C'mon.

You cannot be surprised at this.




Back to Ben and Des and Michael, in the courtroom at dinner. 

They're all done Hot Tugging. 

Strangely, none of them look satisfied (I'd have thought at least one of them would be...) 

Michael cuts right to the cross. 

Michael: "Ben, is it true that you do not have any friends in the house?"

Ben: "Well, I never said that I wa--"

Michael: "ANSWER THE QUESTION."

Ben: "I'm not here to ma--"

Michael: "ANSWER THE QUESTION!"

Des is sitting in between them looking like she wants to puke and in the span of 30 seconds we see her take a gulp of both white wine and red wine.

10 seconds later, she's doin' shots.

And because I'm the kind of person who hates conflict, I've ditched the coffee and am doing them with her. 

Des, nervously trying to deflect: "Umm…so what are some traditions that are important to you and that you want to start with your family?"

Ben: "Going to church. Definitely. Going to church every Sunday with my family. That is very important to me."

Michael : "What about Easter, BEN? LET THE EVIDENCE SHOW that you didn't go to church on EASTER. OR CALL YOUR SON."

Judge Des: "Overruled!" 

Michael: Curses!

Ben: "May I be excused, your honor?"

Des: "You may. Counsel? Approach the bench."

Des proceeds to tell Michael he's made her uncomfortable and his questions were out of line. 

She's ready to throw this whole case date out and declare a mistrial. 

But she rules in favor of Michael, and Ben leaves, spouting some very un-Christian words AND using the Lord's name in vain.

Oh, and showing us his true colors (and making me hang my head in shame at my fleeting "Team Ben" moment in episode 1) by giving us these soundbites:

"You guys better be really careful on who makes it to the f*#king end; you're not going to have a good Bachelor."

"You guys missed out. I mean, single dad from Texas??"

"Hi Hollywood!" (waves to the camera)

"Where we getting drunk  -- let's have some FUN tonight!"

"How long do I have to wait before I can be seen with somebody…because I don't want to wait!"

That boy is gonna get SKEWERED in the hot seat on the Men Tell All episode. 

Cannot wait.

Cocktail party - The one that wasn't

Des arrives to a castle looking gorgeous in a one shouldered gown with her hair in a fancy updo with flawless makeup. 
And a long coat.

Fellas arrive.

James and Mikey show up wearing strikingly similar checkered shirts that they got at Banana Republic after their Hot Tugging session the other night. 

Des already knows what she's gonna do (who she's gonna can) and decides not to have any one on one time and forego the party (i.e., NOT LET THEM HAVE ANY DRINKS).

Drew is panicked.

He was gonna tell her that THERE'S A NEW BEN IN THE HOUSE disguised as James.

Des (still wearing her coat) begins by telling the guys that she appreciates them all too much to put them through a cocktail party (WHERE THEY COULD'VE HAD DRINKS), and plus, she trusts all of them so much. 

Well, all except ONE of them apparently. 

So they go into the rose ceremony stone cold sober.

This is new. 

They look confused.

Roses to:

#Kasey

Juan Pablo (who we sadly didn't see much of this week)

Zak (gak)

Drew

(Brooks, Michael and Chris already had 'earned' their roses for the week. By Hot Tugging, of course. Okay, I'm done now.)

It's down to James and Mikey -- Battle of the plaid. 

Rose goes to James!

The douche.

The (other) Bachelor wanna be.

The CANCER (Drew's words). 

And next week, you guys, it looks like he just might metastasize. 



LEADERBOARD AFTER WEEK 5 -

Brooks (holding tight to his lead)

Chris (his 5 o'clock shadow excuses his lame poetry)

If you like these recaps, I'd be ever so grateful if you'd share the link on your facebook pages 

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 One day you might help me reach my lifelong goal of meeting Chris Harrison. 

(Which is actually second to my first lifelong goal of meeting Baio, obviously.)

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