Appletinis don't cause migraines (and other lies I told myself this weekend)

This post is late. It's almost noon and I'm just now writing it, but I have a good reason.

I'm out of K-cups.

I realize that sounds like a pretty lame excuse, but that's how my Monday started and it just threw my entire morning off balance. I had to drink tea, you guys. Then I poured it down the drain because I only drink hot tea when I'm sick and the taste was starting to make me concerned that maybe my throat was feeling kind of ticklish and so I quickly ran downstairs and grabbed a Diet Pepsi. And a box of Thin Mints.

I had grand plans to post something entirely different today, but since I got a little derailed over the weekend (not to mention the NO K-CUP calamity of the morning) I'm gonna have to shelve it until Wednesday. Although, since tonight I'll have my ass planted firmly in my chair for not two, but three hours watching the ridiculous yet always unbelievably fabulous Bachelor finale,  I really can't expect much productivity out of myself tomorrow.  Maybe I'll write a re-cap. Anyone interested?

This past weekend was a roller coaster, you guys.

As you know, I Just Want To Pee Alone was on fire, and all day Friday we watched it climb the charts faster than a One Direction single (let's see if Thing 1 is reading, shall we?). Once it hit #1 in both Amazon's book and Kindle "Humor > Parenting" categories, it made itself at home and has stayed there comfortably all weekend. Now that people are reading - and laughing - the reviews have come pouring in on Amazon, and as if the #1 ranking wasn't enough, the kind words from actual readers have been making my head spin, and may or may not be the reason my family is no longer allowed to make eye-contact with me and must softly serenade me at bath time.

They're not amused. 

{And if you still are without your copy - hard or digital - just go to the "buy my book" page and you'll find more than enough easy links so you, too, can be laughing hysterically in the carpool lane.}

But back to Friday night. 

I was completely wiped out from all the book excitement and the frantic searching for HTML codes to make links and buttons and the copying and the pasting and the reading of all the emails and facebook messages (but not at all from the half a bottle of Chardonnay I drank with the amazing shrimp scampi Husband made me while I was doing all of the above), and was on my way to bed - at 11:30 p.m. - when I saw that the book hit #1.

Change. Of. Plans.

Party Hats - ON.

Appletini mixins - OUT.

Celebratory YMFT mascot cocktail - CONSUMED.

At midnight.

Bad idea.

Such a good - bad idea.

Strangely enough, I awoke Saturday morning with a headache. From one Appletini. And after spending a few hours making that "buy my book"  page up there, the headache had morphed into the mother of all migraines. The kind I had to break out the Imitrex and the cold gel mask and bury myself in bed - motionless - for three hours to ride out. However, I'd like to go on record by saying that I do not blame the Appletini. I can't bear to. I blame the Kardashians. Just because.

Raise your hand if you take Imitrex for your migraines. You'll know what I'm talking about when I say that when you take an Imitrex, you feel like crap long after the headache is gone. I call it the Imitrex hangover. It's horrible. So even though my headache was gone by the time I emerged from my cocoon, I felt sludgy and off all evening Saturday. And then Husband wooed me with a delicious Cabernet. And suddenly I felt a lot better. 

And I had to, because guess where I had to go on Sunday?

The dreaded Mall of America.

If you don't live here, you might think I'm crazy for prefacing those three words with "dreaded", but my local friends are nodding their heads in agreement right now. Especially when they realize I was there on a weekend. MoA receives 40 million visitors every year, and I think about a third of them were there yesterday for some reason. But Thing 1 and I had to go because she needed a few dresses for spring break and the only Delia's and Forever 21 and Nordstrom stores in Minnesota are located at - where else - Mall of America. I kept telling myself I was having fun (which, if I could've magically made about 20,000 people disappear, I would've been) but by the time we left I was really wishing for an Appletini - migraine be damned.  Having said that, let me also say to those of you with small children who equate a trip to the mall with a descension into Dante's inferno, shopping with my girls now that they're older is always a lot of fun and a lot of laughs (and a hell of a lot more money than it used to be), so we made the most of it. But let me tell you there's not enough bottles of Chardonnay adorned with Target gift cards in all the world to get me to to spend a day shopping at MoA with a small child. 

After a busy night at a Board of Directors meeting (where I'm a member of...well, the board) and a quick dinner of takeout noodles eaten (as usual) while standing at the kitchen counter, I promised myself I'd get into bed before 11. 

Lie #4 (have you been keeping track?).  I blame all of it on that damn Daylight Savings Time.

So now I'm off to Bed, Bath & Beyond for more K-Cups (and cute dishtowels...and colorful spoons...and a new cookie sheet...and a whimsical wine bottle cover...and funny earbuds...and a big box of Junior Mints...and a Yankee Candle...).

Enjoy your day, my friends! 

I might be back tomorrow with a Bachelor finale recap...or I might actually spend some time providing my family with clean clothes, clean sheets and a dinner that doesn't come in a bowl. With milk.