I don't wanna grow up.

And by 'grow up' I mean get older.
And by 'get older' I mean accept the fact that I'm getting older.

Last week my mother turned 69 and Husband turned 44.
That makes me.....old.
(You might be thinking, no, that makes them old, but remember, kids, it's always about me).

I think it hit me last week when I had to schedule my yearly exam with my GYN (par-tay) and remembered how she scolded me last year because I don't take vitamins (specifically, Calcium for the rapidly increasing brittleness that is apparently occurring in my shrinking bones). So I ran to Target to buy a jumbo bottle of multi-vitamins and Calcium + Vitamin D which I will take (sporadically at best) for the next month so I can look her straight in the eye when I answer her yes, yes of course I take vitamins + calcium and then come home and forget about them for another year.  And when I go to that appointment and she asks me if I'm experiencing any 'pre-menopausal' symptoms, I will assume she must have me confused with one of her older patients and give her my best whatyoutalkin'boutWillis look but politely shake my head and tell her that other than the normal crazy that I unleash on my family on a daily basis, I'm just fine, thankyouverymuch.

It hit me again when my sister emailed me to ask how old Husband was going to be and my immediate response was 42.  When I did the math and realized he was going to be 44 (and that he's only 4 months older than me), I was like, Shit. That means I'm not 41 either...or 42. 

It hit me last weekend when my mama made a comment about how we weren't to mention how old she was and I said, haha! just wait until next year when you are 70! and then thought, 70?? Wait. What??

It hit me when I tried to read my People Magazine in the bathtub and had to hold it like a foot and a half from my face so the words would come into focus, and then remembered that last year my eye doctor told me I should get bifocals.  Bifocals? Sure. I'll pick those up with the Calcium.

It hits me every morning when I look at the bags and dark circles under my eyes and the wrinkles around my mouth (a cruel fate especially since I've never been a smoker) and think, crap, how is that me?

It hits me when I realize my daughter is nearing the age I was when I met Husband.

It hits me when I look back at photos taken 2 years ago and remember the moments as if they were yesterday and then think, 2 years from now Thing 1 will be off in college and life in our home will never be the same.

It can make a girl pretty blue from time to time.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not old old, and that you're only as old as you feel and all that crap, it's just that sometimes I'm a little shocked that I'm at the age now where people are talking to me about menopause and bifocals and fiber supplements....all with a straight face.

A long time ago I think I told you that one of my favorite quotes is this one:

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?

I'm going with 32.  

That sounds good.
32 is older than the 20's when you think and act like you know it all (but in hindsight realize you were still a kid and totally did not) yet still younger than the years from 38- 42 45 where you like to complain a lot about how old you're getting.

Wait.
Hold on.
When I was 32 I had children that needed help wiping their butts and who weren't able to make their own breakfast (&/or "needed" 3 meals a day) and didn't want to take a nap and bitched when they were overtired (oh, wait, that one was me) and woke up 4x a night and crying...so much crying.
Nevermind.

I'll take 43.
But maybe with my 20/20 eyesight back.
And Restylane injections around my mouth.

Because despite the rapidly brittling bones and the colonoscopies (remind me to tell you about my experiences with that another time) and the diminishing eyesight and the wrinkly jawline and the bittersweet realization that my days with little girls are over, life at fortythreeandahalf (if I say it fast it doesn't sound so bad) isn't so bad. I'm just using the blog to bitch a little. It's one of the reasons I started it, of course. You are welcome.

And look at what I recently found - vitamins that look like gumballs and taste like candy!

If that's not validation that I'm not alone in my denial, I don't know what is.