THE BACHELOR FINALE Recap - I Don't Juanna Live Without Your Love

Oh, thank god.
This deplorable season is over.
I'll be honest my friends, I can't wait for next Monday night. You know why?
BECAUSE I WON'T HAVE TO SPEND IT WITH JUAN PABLO.
And after tonight, I'm pretty sure all of Bachelor Nation -- and Clare -- is feeling the same way.
Forget the regular intro. chit chat, let's get to it.

Wait. Hold on. On a serious note…this is the last post you'll see on this blog site.
I know.
It's okay.
I'll hold you.
Take a good look around because later in the week (or whenever I finish reformatting all 320 posts…or 50 of them and calling it good) we're moving to a new home. Don't worry. You'll get the change of address card on Facebook. And if you forget to look and come back here there'll be a forwarding address.
It's kind of sad.
But our new home is spectacular and I can't wait to give you the tour.
How fitting is it that we're going out with a Bachelor Finale?
Even if it was a lame one.

*RECAPPER'S NOTE*
The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.
Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.
Once again, because I'm too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences, which would make it even longer.
And once again, you are welcome. 

For some reason ABC is continuing the LIVE finale format with a studio audience that they rolled out last year, which I'd think was ridiculous if it didn't mean MORE HARRISON THAN WE'VE SEEN ALL SEASON.

Thank you, ABC.  I'll even ignore the inclusion of about seven of the random people in your "Bachelor stars" peanut gallery.

Seriously though, can I just tell you when we paused the TV so I could take a screenshot of this my whole crew was shouting and pointing like we were paparazzi on the red carpet?
"ARIE!"
"BROOKS!"
Actually, that was about it, but still.
It was exciting for a moment.

After Harrison promises us a "big surprise" from Juan Pablo later in the night, he hints at a spoiler by asking us, "Was Juan Pablo here to find love in the first place?"
Here's your spoiler alert: I have no idea. And neither does anyone else who traded three hours of their lives to this Venezuelan devil tonight.
I've decided to make this recap shorter than usual and play the favorite recap game "three words."

He's an asshat.
Thanks for reading.

Nah, who am I kidding? Let's go back to St. Lucia and finish this journey right.
And by 'right' I mean with copious amounts of scorn and ridicule, obviously.

In Juan Pablo's family villa we see that not only have his mama and papa made the trip but his sister's family, the braces sucking cousin we saw a few episodes ago and of course, little Camila. JP tells Camila that she's going to meet two women.
Whatever. She just wants to play barbies.
JP goes to meet Clare and tells us in voiceover that "today I'm going to keep an eye on Clare and see how she fits into my family."
It's like he's trying out a dog, for god's sake.
He really shouldn't have let Molly go.

Clare meets Camila and they do a cute little hand slap but then Juan Pablo makes her kiss Clare's cheek, which seems a little forward for a first date…but let's not forget who we're dealing with here. 

Clare and Juan Pablo's mama have a little chat and Clare tells her that she loves him.

Mama responds by telling Clare that Juan Pablo is hyperactive. Super hyperactive. In fact, as a kid he got reprimanded by teachers for it. 

Clare responds by saying that she "loves their communication!"

The distracting audience members that ABC insists on showing us in the small screen in the lower corner are all, you cray cray, grrrl. 

Mama tells Clare that JP is "sometimes very rude."

Clare, nodding: "He made me cry."

Mama: "Me, too."

Bastard.

Clare tells us that she feels like mama just confirmed everything she's been feeling.

"I really felt connected to her since he's emotionally abusive to both of us."

Okay, fine. She didn't say that. 

Braces sucking cousin asks Clare if she's in love with him.

C: "I'm very in love with him."

BSC: "Well, he might walk away if things get rough."

You guys, are we sure this is Juan Pablo's real family and not some imposters that Andi hired?

Juan Pablo's dad meets with Clare-the-fatherless and tells her that she'll always have a father in him. 

Hold on, I'll be right back. I have something in my eye. 

Adding about three years of therapy and relationship issues to Camila's future, Juan Pablo re-introduces her to Nurse Nikki the very next day. 

She arrives wearing a tie-dyed halter maxi dress that showcases the dove tattoo, because obviously.  

Nikki and Juan Pablo sit on the couch and awkwardly re-create their geographical journey while the rest of the family stares at it and wonders if it hurts to get a tattoo so close to your armpit.

Camila looks bored. 

It's clear she's used to the cameramen and parade of Daddy's "friends" by this point.

Me, too, sweetheart. Can I play barbies with you?

And then it's time for another round of "Juan Pablo is a jerk" -- by Juan Pablo's family.

Dad: "He's not an easy guy. He's focalized in what he wants. He's -- how you say -- very specific in what he wants. He thinks he knows the truth in everything."

So let's see if I've got this straight:

Juan Pablo is selfish; thinks he knows everything; he makes his mama cry and walks away from commitment. 

And he's still single? Shocking.

Nikki has a sit down with mama and it goes a little something like this:

Nikki: "You have a son and he's just….amazing!"

Mama:

Sending telepathic messages to Nikki

Mama, clearly confused as to who Nikki is talking about: "You feel he is the kind of guy you want? (run)"

Nikki: nods

Mama: "You sure? (run away)"

Nikki: "mmmhmmmm"

Mama: 

Look deeep into my eyes

Nikki: "Do you think he's ready for this?"

Mama: "I pretty sure he's ready for this. (run far, far away, pretty girl)"

Nikki, nodding: "Okay!"

Mama, continuing her hard sell, tells us that Juan Pablo is "not easy" and then it's Braces's turn to throw Juan Pablo under the bus…again.

Braces (who evidently also goes by 'Rodolfo') askes Nikki if she can handle fighting and wonders how much of it she can handle in a relationship.

Good god. 

SAVE YOURSELF, SISTER.

Rodolfo: "Because, I mean, Juan Pablo -- I mean, I love the guy…but…sometimes when things are getting rough he'll walk away from the relationship. How are you with that?"

Nikki says something about "Latino passion" and how she thinks they'd get along.

And then, proving herself to be the stupidest girl alive (and not for the last time tonight) tells us (in voiceover) that she's confident that Juan Pablo is the guy for her.

Confident? Maybe.

But blind as a bat.

Meanwhile, back in the LIVE studio, Harrison stands before a stunned audience and takes the mic around for opinions.

Sorry, you guys, we don't have time for this. 

Reaching for the remote…hitting fast-forw -- oh, wait! Catherine got bangs! Cute! 

Moving on.

Clare meets Juan Pablo for their last date looking like a tiny bumblebee in yellow shorty shorts and a black tank. They board a helicopter and soar over the insanely gorgeous coastline of St. Lucia.

I'm terrified to fly in a helicopter, but I'd totally risk death for that view.

Unfortunately, they don't see much of it because their tongues are examining each other's uvulas. 

And then.

Then.

Shit. Gets. Real.

Clare: "When the helicopter landed and there were no cameras or pilots or audio, Juan Pablo whispered something to me. Something that he said -- I don't have words for it. He chose to tell me something that no woman wants to hear."

Husband, interrupting (in Juan Pablo's voice): "I will not buy you shoes." 

Clare: "He said that he really doesn't know me…and some sexual thing that I don't even want to repeat. It was insulting, offensive and it made me feel awful. Every single woman deserves to be treated with respect. I'm not an object…maybe I have him wrong."

Okay, fine, Harrison. You finally win.

After 12 years this really is "the most compelling Bachelor finale ever."

Later that night Clare elaborates and tells us that he basically told her that "he loved hooking up with me."

That's a sweet version, but I'm thinking it really sounded something like this:

Juan Pablo: "I do not really know you, but I know this -- I really like _ _ _ _ ing you."

She tells us she's been down this road before (which is heartbreaking) and she came here for love, dammit, and not just a warm swim in the ocean hook up. She's tells us that she is going to get some questions answered tonight and if he can't answer them then she is outta here. 

Oh, pleasepleasepleaseplease mean it. 

Spoiler alert: She doesn't.

When JP walks into her room she turns and walks away and he follows her begging for a "besito."

I hate him.

Clare calls him out on his offensive comment and he immediately gets flip and defensive, and the accent becomes about 85% thicker.

Clare wants to really talk about things. The future. The real stuff. 

He continues to be pompous and ass-hatty and talk in circles that don't lead anywhere.

Clare tells us that she was getting concerned and that she had a moment where she thought "this is the end."

Aaand then she didn't.

Juan Pablo continues patronizing her and tells her that he does know her and that "a proposal for me and my daughter…ees hard" and then tells her that he sees them having babies "within a year."

Clare, caving: "Hold on. I like hearing this! You can insult me and demoralize me all you want!"

JP gets closer and touches her face (of course): "I mean, who met Camila? Who met my mama? Who met my dad?"

Umm…Nikki did, you wad.

But Clare once again falls victim to his Venezuelan charm (gag) and his secret weapon of their winter juanderland song on his iPhone.  

Damn you Josh Kracjik. 

Nikki's date starts with her telling us (for the eleventy-billionth time) that she loves Juan Pablo but won't be able to relax until she hears him say it back.

In related news, Nikki has just collapsed from tension. 

Sitting on the beach, they have the following conversation -- which is Exhibit B in the ongoing case proving her stupidity: 

Nikki, hoping she's discovered the problem: "You might be a little bit afraid to open up?"

JP: "Nope! I'm not guarded. When I feel it, I will open up."

Spoiler alert: five months later...

Nikki: "What's going to happen when we don't have a private island anymore?"

JP: "I'll have my bed, my TV, my movies, my sports, my office! I'll be doing all that by myself!"

Nikki: "Not all the time by yourself."

JP: "Nah…but some of it by myself."

Nikki: "You, sir, are a selfish asswipe."

Oh, wait. That was me. 

That evening she tells us that she just wants to hear him say he loves her.

Thing 1: "He can't say that though! He's not allowed." 

Husband: "He can if the cameras or audio aren't on. He can say, "I don't know you, but I sure like to bang you. Have you learned nothing from this episode?" 

Oh, yeah.

Nikki and JP sit on her couch and ponder the fact that their journey is almost over for about two or 22 minutes. Nikki is quiet. She takes him to the bedroom and tells him, "I have something for you."

JP: "NOW WE'RE TALKIN'..."

She gives him this button -

Just kidding.

It's actually a framed photo of them and a card which she's (of course) signed, I love you, Nikki. 

Well played. Putting the ball in his court! 

She looks at him with ten full weeks of hope and expectation, wondering how he'll respond.

He kisses her on the head and leaves.

The Final Rose Ceremony - 

Here's Clare putting on a tacky one shouldered pageant dress, earrings the size of Texas and curling her hair just right.

(Husband: "I could catch a bad-ass Bass with those earrings."

He totally could.)

Here's Nikki in a more understated royal blue dress and a slit up to her crotch (but of course). 

They're both en route to meet Juan Pablo by boat. 

They're both giving us lots of introspective voiceover about "the beginning of their forever" but all I'm paying attention to is the fact that THE WIND IS WRECKING CLARE'S CURLS.

And then a giant Bass jumped out of the ocean and swallowed her head

Because we all know the Bachelor rule (that has only been broken once) that states that whoever gets out of the limo or off the boat or out of the helicopter first is doomed for the big 'but' -- we know Clare is not going to get her happy ending.

Well, technically she already did in Vietnam, but let's not split hairs.

As she teeters through the sand with her heels sinking with every step we hear a lot of voiceover about how her dad would be proud and how Juan Pablo makes her feel "safe" and how much she "trusts him."

After basically telling him all of the above he tells her she's "amazing" and "unbelievable" and that he "wishes the air could suck him because this is the hardest decision ever." (<< I'm not gonna touch that one, folks.)

And her face goes stone cold.

And she suddenly becomes the best person to get dissed in the history of this show.

After telling her that he has to trust himself and say goodbye to her he goes in for a hug.

DENIED

The LIVE studio audience -- and my crew -- cheers!

Clare: "I've saved this moment for the man of my dreams and I thought it was you. You could have told me. You told me you wanted to have babies (with me)! You had every opportunity to tell me how you felt."

JP: "Do you want to know when I made my decision?

Clare: "It doesn't matter."

"What you just made me go through? I'd never want my children to have a father like you."

Girlfriend turns and just walks away from that shit.

Juan Pablo: "Whoo! I'm glad I didn't pick her!!"

As Nikki walks off the boat (heels sinking with every step) we're all yelling, "TURN AROUND! SAVE YOURSELF!"

She tells him stuff about "once in a lifetime" and other crap but I can't see her because his giant inflated head is in the way.

He then tells her that he respected what her dad told him about being "100% sure" and that guess what -- he's not. 

"I have this ring in my pocket…"

Nikki lights up!

"…but I'm not 100% sure I'm going to use it…"

"…but I'm 100% sure I don't want to let you go."

Nikki: "I love you."

Juan Pablo: "I like you…a lot."

Good enough.

AFTER THE FINAL ROSE -

Clare, in a black leather dress that screams "I AM TRYING TO SHOW YOU THAT I AM A STRONG WOMAN AND I AM NOT BROKEN" sits on the couch.

Despite the dress, Harrison does his damnedest to try to break her.  

She stays (somewhat) strong and tells us that she wanted it to work and that she basically was a fool for trusting him.

Harrison asks her if she'd like to see Juan Pablo and talk to him.

Clare, who only speaks in questions, responds: "That day in St. Lucia? To be able to say what I needed to say? It was liberating. I've moved on."

The entire studio audience --

After Clare leaves, Juan Pablo comes out.

The audience members really aren't fans.

Harrison begins what will be about a half hour of fabulous tormenting by asking him if he has any regrets.

Juan Pablo starts a long, confusing, non-sensical diatribe and Harrison steps in to attempt to get him back on track. JP cuts him off. 

CUTS HIM OFF.

Does he not know you do not diss the Bachelor Pimp? 

I believe that's considered treason in America, sir. 

He tries to flippantly explain away the helicopter comment he made to Clare and basically is nothing but an egotistical, narcissistic asshole. 

I can't do this, you guys.

I can't listen to him anymore.

Let's move on to the stupidest girl in all the land.

No, not Britney -- Nikki. 

Who comes out alone (at first) and tells Harrison that she and Juan Pablo are "really happy."

Liar.

Harrison asks her if she's still in love.

Nikki: "Absolutely."

Harrison: "Is he in love with you?"

Nikki: --

Nikki: --

Nikki: --

Harrison cruelly reminds her that it's been awhile: "He still hasn't told you??"

Nikki: "Uhh, not exactly. But you know…I know he cares about me…."

Harrison, audience, and every single person watching - 

Harrison is clearly, hilariously, concerned: "Doesn't it concern you?"

Nikki: "He wouldn't be here if he didn't! I'm not going to force it!"

Harrison (in my favorite response all season): "Huh. Interesting."

Okay, humor me for just a moment while I put on my therapist hat.

Nikki clearly has issues. Self-respect issues. Relationship issues. Who knows where they come from (cough…parents…cough) but this girl is all kinds of messed up to allow herself to be treated like this. 

Disclaimer: The above opinion is not based on any medical degree but on 12 years of watching this show…and a dash of common sense and realism. 

When Juan Pablo joins her he's immediately on the defensive and basically a total dick.

Surprise.

He:

• acts confused about the 'big surprise' he'd told producers he would share and claims he never said it.

• refuses to answer Harrison's repeated questions about how he feels toward Nikki -- just looks like this while Nikki looks like this - 

Clearly the woman has Stockholm Syndrome

• tells Bachelor Nation that "we are so done with this show" -- to which the lovely Catherine Lowe responds with "don't slap the hand that fed you."

Preach.

Fifty bucks says Nikki was paid to be there.

I mean, if you dress like a call girl and act like a call girl…..

Well, my loyal recap readers, that's (thankfully) a wrap.

Thank you for following along for the past ten weeks and for all your lovely comments of support!

They make the bleeding eyes and cramped fingers worth it. 

And as for Bachelorette Andi's journey?

I'm not making any recap promises. 

Please don't argue. 

Eees okay.