Bachelorette Recap #8 - Little Shop of Horrors

It's hometown date night, you guys, and that usually means one thing.
A whole lotta crazy.

Let's skip the wordsy intro and get right to it.


*Recapper's note -

The recap will, once again, be primarily in note form.

Once again, because this is pretty much exactly how I wrote it all down when I was watching.

Once again, because I'm too lazy to make this seemingly never-ending post into complete sentences.

And once again, you are welcome.

Dallas, TX -- Zak (a.k.a., "Abs")

Des reminds us that Zak is "All about fun."

We find him jet-skiiing on the lake, bungee jumping over a ravine, sketching in a gazebo. 
Obviously. 

Zak tells Des he had a dream about her.

He proceeds to make her concerned for his prescription medication use when he describes a bizarre dream that includes them melting into sand and eating snowflakes and children. 
Eating snowflakes. Not children. 

Des is happily and ignorantly confused (as per usual) until Zak appears in the family's snow cone truck and it all suddenly makes perfect sense. 

Wait. What?

Oh, you heard me right.

THE FAMILY SNOW CONE TRUCK.

Zak teaches Des the finer art of snow cone making, and while I'm seriously considering pushing "pause" so I can go smash some ice cubes and pour my Chardonnay over them, they drive to an elementary school where they are immediately surrounded by about 200 screaming kids and Des is aproned up and expected to dish out shaved ice faster than she's been dishing out samples of her saliva thus far. 

Zak comes running out in a giant penguin suit and starts dancing with the kids.

"The penguin's my boyfriend!" Des shouts, which is pretty gross and could be extremely disturbing to those kids if you really think about it. 

Family Dinner: 

Des and Zak pull up to Zak's Branch Davidian house in the snow cone truck.

No, it was totally a normal suburban house, but a girl can hope, can't she? 

Zak's family FREAKS OUT TO MEET DES. 

Like, seriously freaks out. 

No question -- they are a fun, crazy, hyper family. 

I'm kind of scared. 

Hold me. 

Maryann (mom), possibly drunk and quite possibly wearing a "Team Des!" shirt under her red lace frock, makes sure Des knows instantly how much they adore her and want her to be part of their family. 

Blond, pink lipsticked sister, who apparently lives at home due to the one on one with Des in her Barbie Fashion Show bedroom, couldn't be more on board for Des to be her new BFF!!

The sister and brother put on a show for Des and sing Zak's song he penned for the "Mr. America" pageant in episode # I forget while he accompanies them on guitar. 

It is awkward and uncomfortable and all I can think about are the endless similar shows my kids and their friends used to put on for us when we'd have their families over for dinner. 

Shoot me now. Please. 

Des eats it up, though.

Even cries.

In fact, can she please just join the family without any obligation to Abs? 

Zak then goes from zero to hero and pulls out a promise ring and tells her he loves her!

She, surprisingly, doesn't look too freaked out and actually appears to be touched. 

Huh. 

In a strange turn of events...

Scottsdale, AZ -- Drew

Thing 1 (who is a HUGE "Book of Mormon" fan) instantly dubs Drew "Elder Price."

It totally fits. 

Des goes crazy when she sees Drew.

Jumps on him and keeps kissing on his very well shaven face. 

Hands off the gelled hair though, girlfriend. 

Drew says meeting his family will be interesting because they've never seen him like this before.

Thing 1: "You mean with a woman?"

I'm raising these kids, you guys. 

And I happily take half credit.

They then go to pick up Drew's severely disabled sister, who he tells Des will "be very excited to see them", possibly to the point of aggression. 

So, yeah...filming this for national T.V. seems like an awesome idea, ABC. 

You whore. 

Melissa (the sister), who is indeed severely mentally retarded, is so excited to see Drew and Des that she moans and rocks and starts crying.

Oh, wait. Sorry. That's me.

Because Drew is amazing with her and his love for her and hers for him absolutely comes oozing out of my television.

Dammit. 

Family Dinner:
Des meets Drew's big family, who all seem lovely, despite the questionable fashion choice of Malachai (Drew's now-everyone-in-America-knows-he's-not-only-an-alcoholic-but-is-battling-cancer father), who is wearing a checkered shirt in a saucy raspberry that I honestly think I might have owned in 1991. 

Drew must've picked it out. 

Malachai has a question for Des and while the following exchange was incredibly sweet and heartfelt, it still left me more than a little confused at the purpose. I'm gonna go with the assumption there was more to this convo that got edited out. Regardless, it went like this:
Mal: "Do you believe in angels?"

Des: "I do."

Mal: "Have you ever met one?"

Des: "(Other than Chris Harrison?) No."

Mal: "Yes, you have. It's Melissa. She's our angel." 

Excuse me for a minute, you guys. I think I have something in my eye. 

Linda (mom) can instantly tell Drew and Des' relationship is real.

Mal tells Des she's real.

You know what's not real?

Drew's heterosexuality.

Hey, I'll never be so happy to be wrong you guys, but I cannot shake the pulsing gaydar that pierces my soul every. single. time. I see him. 

Everyone in Drew's family loves Des!

Des loves everyone in Drew's family! 

Hell, I love Drew and Drew's family! 

Drew loves Des!

Drew: "I look at you and I see a future and I see happiness...and I see a beard."

"I'LL BE YOUR BEARD, DREW!" I shout. 

Seriously, I knew a few guys in college who I'd have loved to set him up with.

McMinnville, OR - Chris

Des is super duper happy to see Zak Drew Chris.

He picks her some wildflowers. Which come surprisingly without a poem.

Apparently, Chris used to be quite the ball player (did we know this?) and takes her to the field where he played baseball as a young lad.

Taking a page out of the Ali and Roberto datebook, Chris dresses Des up in a tight baseball tee, trucker hat and for some reason sticks anti-glare tape underneath her eyes and they play ball.

It's sickningly adorable and then they sit on homeplate with a picnic and Des shows Chris her sketchbook full of drawings she did (when she was about six years old, apparently) of all the dates they've had.
They kiss and bump cap brims and I've already said it but I'll say it again -- Adorable.

Shit, you guys.

Family Dinner:

George, Chris's dad, is a chiropractor.
He immediately asks Des if she'd like to "come get adjusted".

If she had a nickel for every time a boyfriend's father has asked her that...

George leads Des down the steep stairs to the basement.

Appears in a short sleeved doctor coat.

George makes Des lie down in his "office" (large storage closet) facedown while he proceeds to push and crack her back, then flips her and twists and pops her neck.

After sharing a cigarette, Des limps upstairs and is replaced on George's table of torture by Chris. 

Let me just tell you that what I'm about to describe is something that 12 hours later I STILL CANNOT UNSEE. 

George sticks a GIGANTIC Q-TIP connected to a GIGANTIC BULB SYRINGE up Chris' nostrils and squeezes and twists and Chris looks like he's wincing in pain and the backs of my legs are hurting and I try to look away but can't and then oh good god George pulls it out along with a string of snot which we're treated to thanks to the awesome angle from Camera A. 

Because HAVING YOUR SINUSES EXHUMED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION is a normal way to have a heart to heart with your dad about the girl you want to propose to.

The rest of the date is weird, but I'm sure it's because that whole sinus thing may have me a little prejudiced against Chris's family.

I might have to take my tee-shirt back. 

Salt Lake City, UT - Brooks

Brooks appears looking scruffy and cute...and in plaid.

Which totally counts as a checkered shirt.  

Clearly I'm out of it as far as this checkered shirt fashion thing goes.

Or I was IN it...in 1989. 

Brooks (in voiceover): "I'm not entirely sure how I feel about Desiree, so that's something that I'm still trying to figure out."

Wait. WHAT??

It is WEEK 8, BROOKS. 

Get your head in the game, Pussy Boy. 
Since Brooks' isn't "totally on board" and Des "wants him to stay focused", she wrote him a little note listing all or their 'best of' moments.
And I can't put my finger on it but you can just tell.

Des loves Brooks.

I'm gonna use my 11 years of Bachelor/ette watching to back me up on that one. 

There's a reason Brooks has been at the top of my leader board for 7 of the 8 weeks, you guys.

Of all the dudes left standing, he's the most honest with his feelings.

He's the only one who seems to be playing this game for himself…not to just be the winner. 

So I'm making a totally new shirt.

Family Dinner:
Brooks has a HUGE family and they all rush to hug Des.
Hold on.
Salt Lake City.
Huge family.
Ding Dong. 

And guess what?
They're all wearing name tags!

Janice, Brooks' mom, is intimidating, but in a good way.

Does that make sense?

I actually think I love her. 

Brooks talks to 

and 

who give good, sound advice.
Which shouldn't be too surprising, given their years of mission work. 

Brooks talks to mama Janice about marriage and fatherhood and she's so thoughtful in her responses and tells him how she and the whole family trust Brooks and you guys, I don't have anything snarky to say because THEY'RE ALL SO REAL and unaffected by this show and I totally love them for it (even if none of them know how this game is supposed to be played).

And then….then….

Janice tells Brooks "You're my favorite."

And I died. 

Los Angeles, CA - Slingblade…er, Nate (Des's brother) 

Des hasn't' seen Nate SINCE THEIR DINNER WITH SEAN -- you guys, that was LAST FALL. 

Des couldn't be more uncomfortable talking to him.

I think it's safe to say that this meeting has nothing to do with brotherly advice and everything to do with RATINGS. 

ABC, you're such a whore. 
Again.

Nate: "I want to meet them."

Des: "Yeah. Uh, No F*cking way."

And because they're obviously so CLOSE, it seems perfectly normal that his advice would be valuable and that he'd have any interest in her future happiness. 
I wonder if they paid him in cigarettes and razor blades for his appearance. 

Rose ceremony - Oh, thank god.

Des appears in a sequined mini dress.
I'd have been disappointed if she'd shown up in anything else.

50% of the fellas are in checks.

Ditto.

Roses to:

Brooks

Chris

Drew

Which means poor Zak is left without a mate. 

Des takes him outside and bumbles about feelings and how he's so funny and kind and it's so awkward and then there's this ring that's so beautiful and she's not sure, but should she give it back??
Um. Yeah. 

Zak wishes her luck and then gets in the limo and goes out to a strip club with Nate.

No, but he DID have the limo stop so he could throw the ring out the window.

Dramatic and compelling!
Which can only make me think of ONE THING. 
ZAK FOR NEW BACHELOR! 

Let's find someone for the "drilling fluid engineer" to drill, shall we, ABC?? Because from listening to him -- and his mama -- talk, sounds like his well has been running pretty dry as of late. 

LEADERBOARD AFTER WEEK 8 -
Brooks (holding tight to the lead)
Drew


What do you think is gonna happen? (<< THAT IS RHETORICAL! NO SPOILERS!!)
When is Drew gonna drop whatever bombshell we've been teased that he's gonna drop that makes Des want to go home?
Will Brooks decide Des is the one for him or will he pull a Womack and walk away -- solo -- at the end?
Will Chris be able to rhyme his way into first place?

Sadly, we'll have to wait to find out.
Next week is the pointless "Men Tell All" episode.
I won't be recapping that one -- 1) because I might not even watch it and even if I did the recap would be even more excruciating to get through than this one was and 2) because I have company coming the next day and I'll be dusting and mopping and vacuuming and washing sheets.
Oh, and bitching at my kids to get off their butts and help me, obviously.

So that means I'll see you again after the Fantasy Suite Dates.
Wonder who drew the short straw (no pun intended) and has to go last?