Bachelorette Recap #3 — aBRANDONment issues.

When I was in middle school, P.E. was the bane of my existence.

Well, P.E. and the Washington drizzle that wreaked havoc on my 80's bangs.

It was back in the day where the teachers picked two kids and had them pick teams, one at a time, going right down the athletic/popular pecking order. 

Guess who always -- always -- got picked last?

It was actually Nancy Jacobson, but I was always second to last. 

And the game I hated the most?

Dodgeball.

Seriously, dodgeball is a horrible, socially unjust game. 

The weakest get picked off immediately (in my case I'd just run up right away and sacrifice myself to the balls so I could sit the rest of the game out on the side) leaving the strongest and bravest to battle it out to the death. 

Plus, it hurts like hell. 

And this is where we pick up our fair Bachelorette and her suitors this week. 

With a game of dodgeball.

Sounds like an awesome idea. 

Seriously, I can think of no better dodgeball participants than Bachelor contestants whose greatest joy and esteem comes from seeing who has the bigger….the better….the stronger….the best -- WHATEVER.

I think next season ABC should just throw them in an arena and have them play The Hunger Games.  

**emailing this fabulous idea to ABC President**

So the fellas get schooled by some professional dodgeball players 

credit: guardian.co.uk

by getting their junk pounded by rubber balls coming at them at about 75 mph, and then Harrison shows up and tells them that because he knows they'll need to keep their franks and beans intact for the upcoming fantasy suite dates, he's going to just let them play against each other.

Big sighs and high fives all around. 

Des, inexplicably dressed in workout gear, says that she's "excited to see the men in their natural state."

Which is apparently the playground. 

The fellas arrive -- by SCHOOL BUS, obviously -- to the outdoor mall in Beverly Hills, and bless ABC's heart, they dressed them to look like the fools they were about to prove themselves to be. 

What followed was about 10 minutes of super boring footage of the guys trying to look tough while wearing shorty shorts, tube socks and sweatbands and Harrison yelling, "MAN DOWN!" every 5 seconds and camera shots of Des making appropriate "ouch" faces and looking overly concerned.

And then, at the top of the deciding game three, just when I was about to fast forward to the crying part that was sure to be coming, Harrison's "MAN DOWN" became real real.

Brooks lost a finger.

Gasping for breath and trying to remain tough despite the sweatband,  he had to be driven away to the ER so he didn't sue ABC for finger negligence as well as losing about 2 billion of his little swimmers from being hit in the groin with dodge balls for the past three hours. 

Spoiler Alert -- Blue team wins! 

Des gets a piggyback ride from the big dude whose name I never remember while the other four dance along behind them wishing their balls didn't hurt so badly and they, too, could give her a ride. 

Red team looks deflated because they know that since they lost they're gonna have to get back on that school bus while the blue team gets to have Des rub Icy Hot on their junk at the after party.

But wait!

What's this?

BOTH TEAMS GET TO GO TO THE PARTY?!?

Hold on. This isn't elementary school soccer where no one keeps score and everyone wins, this is The Bachelorette god dammit!! There are WINNERS and there are LOSERS. This is upsetting the very balance of the show!!

ABC, you're messing with me and I don't like it.

Cut to sirens and edgy camera footage of flashing ambulance lights and the ER.

It's Brooks. In the Hospital. On a gurney.

Apparently, Brooks passed out when they had to reset his finger and is now lying there with a c-pap of oxygen up his nose, wires attached all over his dodgeball uniform and a team of doctors, nurses and ABC interns surrounding his bedside, finger wrapped up like a Q-tip and held aloft. 

More evidence to back my claim from last week about Brooks being a pussy. 

Sorry, dude. That nickname just stuck. 

Back to the after party….

As it starts we hear Des's slightly drunk voice slurring, "A toast to Brooks for taking a finger...."
I'm gonna be honest, I'm really glad she faded that toast out because I do not want to know where she was headed with that. 

Let's start with Brad who has some things he needs to "get off his chest" -- things that have "really been haunting him" and that he's been "waiting for the right moment" to unleash.

He has a three year old son!

His name is Maddox! (Real original, BRAD.) 
He lives with him full time and he's his whole world! He just keeps him a secret!

He's just now telling Des!

Des is all, "awwwww!" and doesn't appear to find it odd that he's waited like 10 days to share THIS MAYBE SLIGHTLY IMPORTANT NUGGET OF INFORMATION and also thinks Maddox is such a cuuute name!

Wait. What's this? 

There's more.

But it's no biggie. Really. 

Apparently Maddox's mom had a drinking problem and one time stole his keys and car and Brad tried to stop her and somehow in all the confusion found himself arrested for drunk driving DOMESTIC VIOLENCE which oddly enough resulted in him having a RESTRAINING ORDER against him. 

As one would expect.

But whatever. 

Des is nodding…nodding…looking horrified and strangely apologetic that such a tragic and unfortunate thing happened to him while making a mental note to go straight back to her Branch Davidian estate and Google the shit out him.  

And then make him stay 50' away from her at all future cocktail parties. 

Chris (who I cannot remember ever seeing before) makes his move and takes her to the rooftop.
Des is all, "OH MY GAWWD!" and "THIS IS AWEEESOME!!" 
And they have a meaningless conversation.
I've already forgotten his name. 

Brooks returns, STILL IN HIS SWEATBAND, pulling his morphene drip.

He looks totally drugged, despite his claim to the hospital personnel that he doesn't do drugs.

"Looook aht yeeeooouuu," he slurs, pointing his bandaged finger in Des's general direction as she does her best to retreat away from the blood soaked appendage.

"Okay, kissh me," he says, and bobs and weaves into her face, holding her head with the hand that STILL HAS THE HOSPITAL BRACELET on, securely fastened over his wrist bands. 

Des, having no choice but to kiss him, tries to steady his face with her hands and says a few things about "chemistry" and how "easy it is" with Brooks. 

Sweetheart, Vicodin makes everything easy.

Rooftop gets the rose and they get a boring serenade by a boring singer.

Fast forwarding. 

Next day: 
We find the fair Des, sitting on her couch, sketching….journaling, maybe, about the laws concerning double restraining orders?…when she gets a totally unexpected phone call from Harrison who heard from his cousin's dry cleaner's brother's financial analyst that "someone" isn't there for the right reason. 

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. 

This never happens. 

Des seems oddly upbeat and excited about the drama that's about to unfold and chirps to Harrison that she'll meet him at the mansion lickety split to shut this shit dowwnnn.
As soon as she finds some apricot earrings to accessorize her light peach jeggings and dark peach tank top ensemble.
She's just so giddy that she's about to have her Ali/Bentley dramatic moment.
For awhile there she was afraid her season was going to be as boring as Emily's. 

Here's the three word version of what went down:

Pulls Brian outside.
Asks his intentions.
Brian holds strong.
Calls him out.
Here comes Harrison.
Brings out girlfriend.
Just got real.
Brian shits pants.
Girlfriend is hysterical.
Des is comforting.
Things get ugly.
Girlfriend threw rocks.
Because Brian sucks.
Brian is liar.
Slept with girlfriend.
Day before taping.
Lied to ABC.

Wait. Just. A. Second.
Brian lied to ABC????
Slept with his girlfriend two nights before coming to L.A. for the taping???
That's it.
Harrison has had it.
Harrison takes charge.

"Brian, I cannot have you on The Bachelorette anymore. Bring me your torch. The tribe has spoken."

Brian walks into the mansion where all the fellas are avoiding eye contact and looking at their feet like, "Duuuudee. Suuuckkks," and the beefy ABC security guards escort him straight to his room to pack his bags and get the hell out of this mansion of truth and integrity. 

Cut to the guys, who've now turned on Brian like he's Bieber.
Beefy tattooed guy whose name I cannot remember laments, "It really isn't fair because a lot of us have left a lot of things behind -- family members, daughters, sons..."
Scrrrreeeeeechhhh.
I'm sorry??
DAUGHTERS?? Who the hell has a DAUGHTER??

Faceless voice says, "I mean, dude! That is so disrespectful!"
Umm, as is NOT TELLING DES YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER.

Des comes out and gives the "If you're hiding anything, tell me now or else forever hold your peace" speech.
Harrison chimes in with, "Anyone? Anyone?"
Bueller? Bueller?

ABrandonment gives us a frightening insight into his life when he tearfully tells us that the whole situation with Brian has bummed him out because he's had many, many experiences with falling in love with many, many men who've come into his life as father figures "and then they're just *sob* -- gone." 

Seriously, this dude has to have failed the mandatory psych test.

Or the psychologists are just the meanest people on the planet for setting him up like this. 

Which is horribly awesome. 

One on One Date - Dancing on the Ceili side of a building with #Kasey
(anyone know why he stopped using hashtags?)

Harnesses pinching places that shouldn't be pinched (what is it with ABC trying to decrease the population?) and then they're......nevermind.

This date was lame and boring. 

**popcorn break for everyone**

Dinner by the pool.

Then suddenly "out of nowhere" (as Des said about eleventy hundred times), The winds began to switch...the house, to pitch!

Palms are bending, pool cabanas are tilting, candles are falling over and shattering providing a real threat of inferno, but WORST OF ALL, THE ROSE IS ABOUT TO FLY OFF THE PLATE. 

So what do you do in gale force winds with a hurricane imminent? 

Jump in the pool, of course.

The freezing cold pool.

The date ends with them in hotel robes sitting in the stairwell, shivering.

Apparently ABC only rented the pool and couldn't set up an, oh, I don't know, SUITE or at the very least CONFERENCE ROOM for them to continue their dinner in. 

Des risks her life and runs into the storm to find the rose anyway. 

"I have had SUCH a great day!" 

Liar. She's just spent the past 15 min. telling us how much it sucked. 

#doomed. 

Group Date - The Lone Ranger Spaniard

What's this?

The Bentley has been replaced with a stagecoach!

Well, this can only mean one thing.

HILARITY is about to ensue.

Sure enough, the fellas arrive at a western movie set to find the lovely Des being attacked by a rogue cowboy!

They stand there stupidly while she kicks the cowboy's ass and throws him off the balcony, and then tells them that they'll be working with stunt coordinators from (shameless cross-promotion #285) THE NEW DISNEY MOVIE-- THE LONE RANGER!

The guys learn some cool cowboy moves.

Des changes outfits (the first one was prettier).

The guys change into cowboy gear (all except for Zak W., who apparently drew the short straw and is dressed as the village idiot in a porkpie hat and doofy suspenders).

Fellas act tough.

Fellas ride horses and throw fake punches and pull pistols.

Fellas try to be "Des's Disney's Lone Ranger" to get special one on one time with her.

Whhan Pahhblo wins.

It's about time. 

The Spanish Cowboy.

Excuse me while I go "brush up on my Spanish" (fyi - that's what we're gonna call it).  

One on one time turns out to be watching a TWO HOUR movie ("The Lone Ranger" - duh) in a tricked out barn while the other fellas discuss childcare outside. 

Halfway through the movie, Des and Whhan Pahblo decide to swap popcorn kernels.

With their tongues. 

He does the Arie thing with his hand.

Caliente, Whhan, Caliente!

Evening party --

Bryden -- Dude got rid of the Lloyd Christmas bangs tonight! He's actually cute! Still awkward, though. I haven't decided about him yet.

Zak - blows smoke up her ass. She eats it up. Gag.

James (thick necked big dude) - knows how to play this game and play it WELL. Sad story about sick dad with pancreatic cancer and balls out asks if he should be sticking around and if she can honestly see herself with him.
Breaks Des's heart.

Des goes to get the rose.  

He gives her a daisy in return.

She thinks that is "so cuutttteeee" and puts it behind her ear. 

His dad? Probably has an intermittent case of IBS.

Well played, James. 

Next day - (stick with me, we're one pool party away from being done) - 

Harrison shows up. IN THE MORNING.

Oh crap.

This cannot be good.

Sure enough, the cocktail party is CANCELED.

Shocked looks!

But, oh, that fun loving' Des!

She wants to have a "chill, pool party" with the fellas instead!

Ben tries to derail the whole afternoon and kidnaps Des to show her that he's not just a boring old dad and can be spontaneous and fun lovin', too! 

You guys, I've officially decided.

Brody or no Brody, I don't like him.

Was it the douchey tank top and hot pink shorts? I'm not gonna lie, that had something to do with it.

Other dudes are going OUT OF THEIR FREAKIN' MINDS WITH HATRED for Ben and have no qualms telling him to his face that "they cannot unscramble that egg" and "cannot be friends" BECAUSE HE'S A GOD DAMNED LIAR and he wears hot pink shorts. 

In a side note, why the eff do these guys dress like complete douchewads? 

In what quickly turned into my favorite moment from the whole boring installment, Brandon pulls Des aside and with eyes welling with tears tells her that Brian's earlier deceit has made him remember all the guys his mama made him fall in love with that disappeared and guess what? He's NEVER GOING TO HURT HER and he's falling in LOVE WITH HER and thinks about her ALL DAY LONG!

She, quite understandably, looks terrified and makes a note to add him to her restraining order. 

He kisses her, she gives him the "friend pat hug" and cannonballs away from that shit into the jacuzzi. 

Rose Ceremony -- 

Brandon's "never felt more confident".

Uh-oh.

Des arrives in an ugly ass blue dress with a gigantic rhinestoned horse collar that is horrible.

But she still looks pretty.

From the neck up. 

Rose.

Rose.

Suspenseful music.

Rose.

"Whhan Pahblo?" and then a lot of stuff in spanish I cannot understand but don't care because I'm too busy staring at Whhan Pahblo. 

Ben's starting to panic.

Rose.

Everyone's looking at Ben.

Final Rose.

Final Rose?????

Oh, crap! Ben, Brandon and some dude I've never seen before are still rose-less!!

Suspenseful music swells….

aand the rose goes to BEN (duh).

aBRANDONment is DENIED (for the 629th time in his life)!! 

That oughta be AWESOME for his issues. 

As the show ends, we are treated to Brandon's breakdown:

"Once again…someone left me."

"Way to go, Brandon."

That's right, buddy, it's something you did. 

It was always something you did. 

I sure as hell hope there was a whole team of psychologists in that limo.

Next week?

Atlantic City, baby.

And "Mr. Bachelorette America."

God help us all. 

LEADERBOARD AFTER WEEK 3 -
Ben
Brooks (hanging on by a thread)
Bryden
James