Prom. Go Big or Go Home.

As you probably know, May is prom season, and because I have a teenage daughter and friends with teenagers, I’ve recently been re-educated on the pomp and circumstance surrounding this adolescence milestone — and you guys, what I've learned is terrifying. 

I say “re-educated” because the only way prom in the year 2013 resembles prom in the year 198-- ...er, the year I went to prom...is by the fact that a horny guy still asks a naive and unsuspecting girl to go with him, buys her some crappy flowers and a decent meal and then expects a little sumpin’ sumpin’ in return. 

Some things never change. 

But I’ve learned that the hullabaloo of it all certainly has — starting with the simple act of asking the girl to prom. 

Grab a helmet, folks; everything I'm about to tell you may just Blow.Your.Mind.

The one rule of thumb for the guys to follow when asking a girl to prom these days? 

Go Big or Go Home.

Gone are the days when the boy the girl had had a crush on for two years caught her in the parking lot after school, handed her a rose and simply said, “Will you go to prom with me” (which may or may not be something that this girl will ever forget, even without backup dancers and guitar accompaniment).

Seriously, there’s now usually some kind of choreographed performance involving many friends complete with days of rehearsal. Songwriting! Musicians! Video! Spelling out “PROM?” with flower petals or candles on her front lawn! 

And once she’s secured a date via the skywriting message or YouTube request, the girl doesn’t have it so easy, either. Air brush tanning, manis, pedis, and two hour long hair appointments are a given these days, not to mention shopping for the appropriate undergarments.  I’m not kidding, the other day I heard a radio spot for a bra store that was targeting teenage girls who “needed that perfect undergarment to make her look her best at prom.” Um...pretty sure that’s code for, “....to make her look smokin’ hot  when her lecherous date peels her dress off with his teeth.” 

Listen, my daughter isn’t going to prom this year (Harry Styles is out of the country), but if she goes next year you can be damn certain I’m making her wear her rattiest bra and ugliest underwear thereby making sure she’d die of embarrassment at the thought of anyone seeing it. Duh. 

Spray tans? Hair appointments? My prom day was spent far differently. 

I worked a five hour shift at the yogurt store where I painted my nails between customers and made myself drink an 8 oz. glass of water every half hour. I probably showered, did my makeup and hot-rolled my hair in about an hour. My date picked me up (in his wicked Trans-Am), we exchanged corsages, my mom snapped a few pictures of us standing by the door and we were on our way. I remember going straight to the restaurant where we met two other couples for a nice dinner — and where I had to go pee every 15 min. from the 80 oz. of water I’d consumed — before heading down to the dance. I don't remember much from the actual dance, other than being super excited when "Lady in Red" came on. (Fellow 80's peeps, am I right?)

Okay, I'll answer the questions I know are burning your mind.
Yes, he's wearing tails and yes, my bangs ARE awesome, thankyouverymuch.

But by today’s standards? 

LAME. ASS. 

Let me describe the 2013 scenario:

A group of maybe 12 couples (but no less than eight) meet up at a totally unrelated — yet picturesque — location along with all their parents several hours before the dance. There they take hundreds of photographs which include, but are not limited to, the following combinations:

• couple alone
• all couples, boys behind girls, smiling
• all couples, boys behind girls, acting goofy
• all couples, walking toward and away from camera
• all couples, jumping in the air
• girl with besties
• all the girls, smiling
• all the girls, acting goofy
• all the boys, looking tough
• girl/boy with parents
• couple together with parents 

If you question my accuracy on this, I can prove it. 

Let me show you my Facebook feed next week.

As for the dinner? The transportation? I honestly have no clue, but I imagine it to be maybe a private jet to Vegas for a quick meal and back in time to make a brief appearance at the actual prom, which I have heard from actual parents is actually pretty lame. 

As for the after parties — I don’t even want to know. 

I'd tell you about mine but other than spending about five awkward hours wondering if my date — who was also my best boy friend and as fate would cruelly have it, my biggest crush — was ever going to kiss me (he didn't) and sitting on the roof watching the sunrise (and ruining my mom's white sweatshirt on the red tiled roof), I don't remember much about it. 
Those two things are memory enough, I guess.

And listen, I'm not anti-prom. Quite the contrary. An excuse to wear a dress fit for the red carpet, do something with your hair other than throw it in a ponytail and feel like a celebrity for an evening? All for it! It's just that it seems like such a monumental effort these days. Not to mention expense. 

Seriously, when did prom become as big of a deal as a freakin’ wedding? Was it maybe when so many weddings had to happen as the result of prom? 

Ahh...it’s all making more sense to me now. 



Have any prom memories of you own to share? I'd love to hear them!

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