Ready, Seth, GO. (choke...sputter....and stall)

I didn't fall asleep until 2 a.m. last night this morning.

As much as I'd like to blame it on the three and a half hour Oscar broadcast, I'm guessing it was the Diet Pepsi I drank at 6 p.m. (Husband says 8 hours is quite a stretch for even the strongest pot of espresso, but I'm sticking with it. Gives my rationalization that wine is the only acceptable beverage choice for me after 5:30 p.m. much more credit). 

But still.

Three and a half hours.

They say it was one of the longest Oscar shows in the past 20 years. 

I blame the opening, which went on about 128 minutes too long. 

But we'll get to that later. 

Before the song about boobs and the odd dance routines and the FLOTUS (WTH? She's been on  television more lately than she's been in her freakin' garden. Seacrest better watch his back), there was the Red Carpet. And it was about as red hot as my ass was after sitting in my chair for three+ hours. (I'm working on four hours of sleep here, people. The jokes will be lame. Apologies in advance).

• Jessica Chastain

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Self-described as "A very 'Happy Birthday Mr. President'" kind of dress, I thought she was old Hollywood glamour perfection. Keep your eye on red. She's here to stay, methinks.

• Amy Adams

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She's the epitome of a princess, am I right? In an awards show era where it seems like everyone who's a size 4 and under (which is just about everyone in Hollywood. Eat a donut for godssakes) wears body fitted dresses, I loved this gigantic fairy tale skirt. Although it reminded me of something.....can't quite put my finger on it....oh yes! I remember....

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Girlfriend knows how to do princess.

• Reese Witherspoon

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Can I be her for just a day? 

Wish she'd had more color on her lips, but that's really all I can offer here. I wouldn't have picked that dress for myself, but the color and little bow detail work perfectly on Reese. And the hair. Don't even get me started. Please tell me she had thickening extensions in or I will shoot myself. See that curl in front? That's seriously the thickness of all the hair on my head. 

• Jennifer Lawrence

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Just when I thought I couldn't love her any more. This look is insane.

My first reaction was "Holy crap that is a lot of dress....and it is taking a lot of work" as I watched two handlers basically picking her up and setting her back down on her camera marks, but when she was standing still, it was unreal looking. The hair? Killing me. The backwards necklace? Gave the big, important dress a touch of youth and fun.  Couldn't help but wonder how she was going to lift it to walk around by herself, though. I'm freakin' clairvoyant, you guys!! 

•Anne Hathaway

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She's a forgetful girl. Forgot her panties at the Les Mis premiere, and now nipple covers at the Oscars? Really, Anne, there's an app for that.

Here's the thing about this dress that as I've been checking my sources this morning have discovered that, much like Anne herself, was extremely polarizing. I like it just fine. It's just not an Oscar dress, especially if you're a nominee. In addition to the unfortunate points on the seams (no, her boobs really aren't small cones...I don't think) the dress is just too casual looking.  Looks like she's wearing an apron over...well, nothing. And since I'm not sure that this dress allowed for panties, either, there's a good bet that's exactly what it is.

• Jennifer Aniston

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Wait. Anyone know what she was even doing there? Odd appearance, I thought. 

Good to see her in color, but since I hate bright red, not that one. 

Dress was snoring, and the hair?  Woman! This is the Oscars! Use some product! Bust out a curling iron. Maybe a bobby pin or two.

I've just now decided to be over her. 

Sorry, my friend.

• Sandra Bullock

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Gorgeous.

The end.

The dresses I hated (other than Aniston's)?

•Halle Berry

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The red carpet announcer, who loved this, said, "Oh, there are just no words...." 

Hmm. I can think of several.

Ugly. Trannie. Tron. Mistake.

•Salma Hayek

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Careful, sweetheart, your dress is about to choke you. If your boobs don't do it first.

•Naomi Watts

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This dress is getting a lot of rave reviews, but I hated it (settle down, I think she's amazing, I'm only hating on her dress).

Looked like it was made from a disco ball and the weird neckline cut did nothing for me except make me stare at her left boob every time they showed her. Like instant zoom. Even now, I can't stop looking at that boob. 

And I'd be remiss not to mention my OTP, who, in typical OTP fashion, did not disappoint. 

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I was obsessed with her dress on the red carpet, but when I saw the back it lost me a little bit in all the ruffles. But the color, the hair, the necklace, the husband....

Divine.

Oh, and by the way, just so you guys know how worthy I am to be offering up my critiques, I present you with this. 

My own Oscar outfit.

That's right. Mama knows fashion. 

On with the show!

Somehow Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams squished themselves and their giant dresses into their theatre seats, and the long night began.

Before I dive in here, let me just say that I had zero expectations for Seth McFarlane's hosting job as well as the show itself, because it's the Oscars. It is, at its core, an awards show. Sure, the biggest and most glamorous awards show, but the awards - no matter how boring - are what it's about. It's really not meant to be anything else.  And I think where it fails year after year after year is in the fact that it tries to be everything else. And last night's show was certainly no exception. It tried (in vain) to mix vaudeville, variety, comedy sketches, big musical numbers, small musical numbers and stand-up on one gigantic, beautiful, golden stage. And as usual, it was all too much, and much like myself for about three years in high school, it just simply tried way too hard. 

Do I think it was a bomb? No, not really. I was entertained for about half of it (which for me and the Oscars is pretty good) but it just never really clicked. 

It was just a whole mess of Awesome and Awkward.

Seth McFarlane being Seth McFarlane and singing about boobs - AWESOME.

Seth McFarlane doing sock puppets and dressing up like the flying nun and making out with Sally Field - AWKWARD.

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Seth McFarlane singing "The Way You Look Tonight" - AWESOME.

Dude can sing.

Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron for some inexplicable reason trying to channel Astaire and Rogers while Seth McFarlane sings "The Way You Look Tonight" - AWKWARD.

Is he looking at her boob? He's totally looking at her boob!

Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain presenting together - a whole lotta AWESOME.

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Charlize Theron and Dustin Hoffman presenting together - AWKWARD.

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Jennifer Hudson belting out the big finish of "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" - AWESOME.

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Catherine Zeta-Jones lip syncing her way (very badly) through "All That Jazz" - AWKWARD.

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Cast of Les Miserables all together singing "One Day More" - AWESOME.

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When Russell Crowe opened his mouth - AWKWARD.

Barbra Streisand singing "Memory" to honor Marvin Hamlisch + all the other dead cinematographers and people we've never heard of - AWESOME.

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The fact that a 70 year old woman is trying to dress and style her hair like she's 30 - AWKWARD.

(And the fact that this similarity exists is no accident. The question is, who's trying to be who?)

The theme from Jaws playing long-winded people off the stage - AWESOME.

(although if it had been accompanied by the candygram shark from SNL coming up on stage and eating them, it would've been so, so much more awesome)

Anne Hathaway's breathless opening line to her breathless, stupid acceptance speech - AWKWARD.

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"It really did come true." Gak.

Christopher Plummer presenting an Oscar (and the way he was introduced) - AWESOME.

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Kristen Stewart presenting an Oscar (and really, everything about Kristen Stewart) - AWKWARD.

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I can't think of many other places she does not belong. Except in movies.

Wearing this dress to accept your Best Actress Oscar - AWESOME.

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Wearing this dress to try to accept your Best Actress Oscar - AWKWARD STILL AWESOME.

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Ben Affleck gets to give his Best Director speech as Argo wins Best Picture - so AWESOME.

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The rest of the academy when Ben Affleck gets to give his Best Director speech as Argo wins Best Picture - AWKWARD.

"It doesn't matter how you get knocked down in life...cause that's gonna happen. All that matters is that you gotta get up." 

Can I get that on a t-shirt, Ben?

That's a wrap on awards season, you guys. 

Thank god. I'm exhausted.

Wanna be AWESOME yourself? VOTE FOR MEEEEE!