My kids just might be better than yours.

The other day I wrote a post where I kindly divulged some of the pearls of wisdom I've learned in my 17 years of being a parent.

It was my most popular post yet, getting about 500 hits in 24 hours (and I swear only like 97 of them were mine).

And it made me realize that talking about the antics and headaches of preschoolers and younger children hits home to many of you...but that just as many of you are in the same boat as me - the USS Smooth Sailing.   Since many of you are slaves to your elementary school aged kids (and younger) and just dreaming of the day when you can have 15 minutes to yourselves, not to mention entire hours to nap or read magazines, I thought I'd let you in on a few little secrets - some things that may seem as distant to you as the non-existent planet of Pluto, but things that are coming. For some of you sooner than for others. And for those of you who, like me, have older kids, I'll meet you on the Lido deck for a Pina Colada right after I finish writing this.

*My kids, as you may know, are 17 and 11, but I'm sorry happy to tell you most of these statements have been true for the past few years. Hang in there, sister.

1. When the waiter brings your food at at restaurant, you can sit and enjoy eating it HOT instead of either having to take someone to the bathroom or do the "cut & blow" on their chicken strips.

2. You can listen to music other than the soundtracks to Barbie movies, Elmo, or Lion King in the car.

3.  You can watch funny shows on television together that are not animated...until they start talking about condoms, then it might get a little intense.

4.  Your kids can do the chores you hate like vacuuming and emptying the dishwasher (they can reach the high shelves!) and scooping the cat box and folding all the damn socks. So, so many socks. 

5.  You have the stall to yourself in public bathrooms (which is especially indulgent on airplanes).

6.  You can tell your kids to make their own dinner anytime you want.  (It's why I have a freezer full of frozen pizza, corndogs and tater tots...and a pantry full of Fruity Pebbles.)

7.  You can watch much, much better movies together (Les Miserables, for example, but not The South Park Movie. Take my word on that one).

8.  When they are old enough to drive, they can grab the groceries for you when they run to Target for more notebook paper, which frees up more time during your Target runs for browsing the Smith&Hawkin aisle and looking at flip-flops.

9.  They can carry their own shit through an airport.

10.  You can sleep in as late as you want on the weekends...and still take a nap later in the day.

11.  They can babysit themselves. Hold on. Did you get that one? THEY CAN BABYSIT THEMSELVES. (Take a moment to let it sink in...and try not to hit me.)

12.  When at a pool, you can sit and read a magazine while they, too, will sit and read a magazine and not be shouting, "WATCH THIS! NOW WATCH THIS!" 86 times a minute...or will swim happily by themselves without drowning.

13.  They (usually) go to bed on their own without fuss.  Sometimes without you even knowing about it as you sit downstairs watching The Bachelor and drinking an Appletini (but I wouldn't know anything about that). 

14. When on vacation, they can stay in an adjoining room by themselves. (Are you picking up what I'm laying down here??)

15. They get your inappropriate and off-color jokes. And laugh hysterically.

16.  They know how to read. And tell time. 

17.  They can bathe themselves and wash their own hair without getting soap in their eyes and freaking out.

18.  You don't have to go to that god-forsaken Chuck E. Cheese anymore. 

19.  If you and your husband want to grab a bite out or see a movie at the last minute, you say see ya and just walk out the door. You just walk. out. the. door. 

20. Two words - Designated. Driver.

Do I sometimes miss their little voices and chubby fingers and sweet smelling hugs? Absolutely. I'd give up #20 on that list in a heartbeat (wait...maybe not #20...) for just 24 hours with my six-month old babies (but just 24 hours) or an afternoon with their four year old sunny dispositions, but the truth of the matter is you can't stop time from passing, so you better enjoy every stage.  And as you can tell from reading that list, the stage I'm in is pretty damn great.

This contest is neverending....you can click after you read each post if I made you chuckle...Thanks!