Hanging out with Magic Mike.

Two things you should know right off the bat.

1. By "hanging out" I don't mean eating popcorn and watching TV, and

2. By "Magic Mike" I don't mean Channing Tatum.

Trust me, it will all make sense by the end.

Before I get started....

You've been warned.

I have this friend, let's call her 'Dora', that recently got divorced. (I'm calling her 'Dora' because as you will quickly discover, she's become quite the - shall we say -  'explora').

So this past spring, Dora found herself a sassy single lady after like 17 years of marriage to the guy she'd known since practically infancy (not really, but since she was like 18 or something like that); a marriage that, according to her, began to lose its luster as she was walking down the aisle.

Should've been Dora.

Anyway, this post is not about the dissolve of a marriage, it's about what happens when a late 30-something, funny, adorable divorcee decides she's ready to go explorin' and signs up on not 1, not 2, but 3 - yes, three - dating sites.

And let me just say right off the bat - a disclaimer if you will - I find Dora's explorations hilarious and intriguing and disgusting and shocking (seriously, it's like watching a movie) because I cannot even fathom doing what she is doing, no matter what the circumstance.  Ever.  But she's not me and just because I enjoy the stories she tells that are a result of the choices she's made does not mean I agree with them. There. Now Husband and Thing 1 can continue reading...

So Dora signs up with 3 dating sites (one is called "Plenty of Fish." A place to get a sampler platter of delicious deep-fried crustaceans...or a date?) and for the past 4 months or so has been doing some big time exlorin' (oh, I'm gonna keep using it). Like borderline illegal explorin'(not really...but close).  Like explorin' with beefcakey Chippendale dancerish guys who are barely old enough to buy the beer they make her hold while they pee in the bushes (true story).  I wish I could tell you she's doing investigative research for an article or that she's been hired as the new bait on 'To Catch a Predator', but no.  She's livin' like she's dyin'. She's released the cougar that's been caged for far too long. She's partyin' like it's 1999, with boys who were in middle school when it actually was 1999.  

A few weeks ago I had a few friends over to sit and sip on my deck and catch each other up on all our summer activities.

Dora brought visual aides.  And transcripts of texts. And stories.  Too many stories.  I'm still trying to rid my ears of them, 3 weeks later.  The rest of us sat there (screaming and gasping and covering our faces in our hands) as Dora regaled us with just a few of the unbelievable texts she's gotten and experiences she's had.

So for all you who, like me, are so not that girl who ever played the field....the girl who was scared by boys with swagger and 'game' (sorry, Husband)...the girl who watched, horrified, other girls flirt and make dangerous choices, here's why we should kiss the little buns of whatever cupid brought us to the men we are happily married to.  A short list of why I'm so very, very thankful I'm not playing the dating game today.

1.  Men (and believe me, I'm using that term loosely) send her photos of their junk.  Close ups, wide shots, glamour shots (not really, but wouldn't that be hilarious?) - they send it.  As if - as if - the lucky recipient is going to be all, "Whoa, Baby! A man I do not know who sends pictures of his junk electronically is exactly the kind of sharp and classy guy I want to date, regardless of what said junk looks like."
Dora sent them right to the authorities another one of our friends.  Duh.
(And can I just say, EW.  So not attractive, am I right or am I right??)

2.  They use their friends as pimps.  Here's an actual message she got.
"Hi. I have friend that really want get know you.  He really shy ask you.  He also virgin.  He asking you if you can lose his virgin for him.  He want my help talk to you so if possible you can let me know."
Dora called back, obviously.  Nah, just kidding.

3.  Here's one from a guy who'd sent her a message that she apparently didn't reply to in a timely enough fashion for him.
"Your lack of prompt attentiveness prevents any serious option but I would still love to go for a swim, sip wine poolside and hold your petite body while I kiss it generously.  I never dated someone so small...I find the thought erotic and captivating!"
Dora may be short (5'0"), but she's not a circus freak for god's sake.  Plus, I'm thinkin' it's a very real possibility that this guy might be on the pedophile alert list?? Hold on, I need to make a call.

4.  Two more honest-to-god actual texts she received - 
"I got to thinking about your picture. You know it should be illegal for you to walk down the frozen food aisles because you're way too hot!"
and maybe the best most hideous one yet (but kudos to him for not mincing words) - 
"I want to give you the bone."
Seriously.  Who says that??  Besides this guy.

Stay Classy.

And the list goes on and on (and I know this because Dora keeps sending me the most outrageous and disgusting ones of the literally hundreds she gets every few days).  There's guys that have screen names like "NOCANKLES" and guys that want to drop by at 2 a.m. to "hang out" (which does not mean sit on the couch with a bowl of popcorn watching 'Mission Impossible', by the way) and many, many guys who use the word "YUM" or "YUMMY" when referring to her (as in, "You look YUMMY").

And by the way, other than the - shall we say - interesting choices she's made in regards to the maturity level and voting eligibility of a few of her dates (in her defense, one guy did look a lot like Magic Mike...so, yeah...), Dora is very much disgusted by all of the above and is totally in on the joke.  She just wants to find a nice, age appropriate guy to actually 'hang out' with on a regular basis - one that doesn't text photos of his bits & pieces.

So keep feedin' me the cheesy pick-up lines and bad date stories, Dora (but not the Weinergate photos - I beg of you). There just might be a book deal in it for us one day.