Bachelorette - ep. 1 - or things a boombox, an Ostrich egg and kick ass son have in common.

If you know me (and since this blog is only 2 months old, I'm fairly confident that most of you do), you know of my love and dedication to all things Bachelor.
And that I often have what I like to think of as snarky comments constructive criticisms of the men and women who like to bare their souls....emotions...body parts in my living room.


So now that I have my own blog, of course I was excited to share them all with you.


However, watching The Bachelorette the other night while taking notes kind of took away from my full appreciation of the ridiclousness and I kind of felt like I was in school taking notes (How to pimp yourself out on National TV 101) and I kept pausing and rewinding so much that the train really lost a lot of acceleration as it began its journey down the track toward its inevitable firey wreck.  Plus, Husband and Thing 1 were super annoyed.


So that I can still watch, uninterrupted, as sweet and tragic Emily sludges her way through this crop of disasters in her search for a new daddy for Little Ricki (and the mini-van full of other babies she idiotically mentioned she wants...right now), I've decided not to give full re-caps in favor of a few highlights &/or bullet points from each show....or maybe every other show.  I'm only one girl.  And if you don't watch, you most definitely will not understand a word of these posts.  But thank you for trying.  


So here's my take on Episode #1 (with apologies for the delay....but my other job as personal assistant to the 3 others in this house seems to keep getting in the way).  


*Emily's ridiculously pretty, in a Miss America, Gol-ly gee "is she even real?" kind of way (although her veneers are a little distracting). I did appreciate (and was frankly more than a little shocked) that she didn't overdo the make-up that first night. So now we know that she's pretty - naturally. Ugh. I think I hate her.


*And - AAAND - she was sweet.  Like 2 cavities from too many Sweedish Fish (of which I know nothing about) sweet. AND she had a personality! What happened to dull, poor-tragically-pitiful Emily from Brad's season?  She wasn't dull at all, and made damn sure to let us know that we all should remove the "tragically pitiful" from our judgements of her.  Fine, but I'm adding 'fame whore' for signing up for this again - again! - and 'liar' for telling us she's doing this "for Little Ricki". Give me a freakin' break, woman. I'm supposed to believe that 


1) you couldn't find a decent man in the entire city of Charlotte that wouldn't drop everything, divorce his wife, rob a store, shave all his body hair, switch to skim milk and pretend to adore that annoying Little Ricki for a human Barbie doll?  
And 
2) You were forced to search for him in the midst of the 25 douchebags who only auditioned for the chance to spend a night in the fantasy suite with you? 
Check your pants. I believe they're on fire.


*Little Ricki will be responsible for the death of at least 1 whale and 2 dolphins from the release of her giant balloon bouquet. 


*Emily seems to be living a double standard.  Here she's being filmed for a reality show on whoring herself out yet she makes sure to tell her carpool of kids, "No potty talk!!"
I guess that's a good lesson for L.R. "Don't use potty talk sweetie-pie, because one day when you are dating 25 men at once it might turn them off."


Let's meet the new crop -


My favorites -
Ryan - the former pro athlete who runs with both kids he mentors...and his dog. Adorable. And bonus points for rockin' the pink tie and unfolding the 4th grade-ish note that said "You're so beautiful" on the back.  And another 50 points for spelling "You're" correctly.  I love you.


Arie - because he's a race car driver and so c'mon...this is sure to bring to the surface all of the 'tragic and pitiful' things we've been told to forget about.  Well played, ABC.


Charlie - fell off a balcony. Ready for love.  How about a van full of babies, Charlie?


Jef with one f - with his skateboard entrance, SAVE THE WORLD water company, choir boy face and Jimmy Neutron hair, he was the one who made Emily show her lack of self-esteem as she told him repeatedly, "I don't feel cool enough" with you.  Hmmm...is there a crack in that fine Southern china set exterior??




The ones who were ridiculous &/or made me uncomfortable -
Dancin' Stevie - entered in a kelly green shirt doin' a leprechaun jig with a boombox on his shoulder that could only have come from Pawn America.  Because, seriously, who owns a boombox??  And he is just itchin' to pick a fight with Kalon. Which can only - hopefully - mean one thing.
DANCE-OFF.


"The name's Charming. Prince Charming" and then made her put on the glass slipper. Good God. Did he really just do that?  


The Grandma.  'Nuff said.


Sweaty Ostrich Egg man.  How do you suppose he settled on an Ostrich Egg for his metaphor? And where in the hell did he get one? That's the question I'd be asking. Can't wait until another guy gets drunk and scrambles that fricken egg.  


Did John really just say, "...my friends call me 'wolf'??"


Kalon - Way too slick for me, but since he's obviously gonna be the 'Courtney' I'm interested.  


The guy with the Bobble Head dolls who had Emily do a "Bobble Head Theatre" with him...and actually said, "They've been through a lot together." Ew. I do not wanna know what he's been doing with those dolls.


I also very much enjoyed that there's both an Alessandro AND and Alejandro.  Fabulous.


But the worst was Doug.  From Seattle.
The dad who used his son as his wingman.
Whose 11 year old son wrote Emily a letter. ("Dear New Mommy....")
Uh...hey, Doug. I think Nora Ephron already did this.  It's called Sleepless in Seattle.


But what do I know?
Doug got the First Impression Rose.
The boy is totally getting a raise in his allowance.
Best. Wingman. Ever.